omg just let go already!

ok so texting is not helping at all! i need to just completely let go! and myspace might have to go too... agh.

Your horoscope for March 31, 2009 You might find that something or someone is purposefully trying to make things difficult for you today, Janice. It might seem as if you are trying to get a handle on the issues but somehow, things are slipping through your fingers like butter. Don't force yourself to make any major decisions and certainly don't try to herd people into corners. Let others have their freedom and consider simply riding out the storm.

lonely weekend.

friday was well would have been our one year anniversary. i wanted to ask him if we could hang out that day but he beat me to it.. asked if it would be cool if we hung out. said only if we could keep it about that day and not fight. well when the day came he sounded hesitant so i said prob not a good idea. he said well let me know if u change ur mind. i was so scared so i thought if we go to the movies that left little room to talk and would be less of a chance to fight.. but when i asked if he wanted to go to the movies he had already made plans. (he had called my from that whore bag of a friends phone) so im guessing he had plans with them. i was crushed. but didnt let it get to me. so later that night he texted me i love you. i replied ditto. and he accused me of being drunk.? wtf.. just told him hurts to keep saying it. like im being strung along. so he said he was sorry and he wouldnt say it anymore. sigh.. was long long long night.. had to work over time the next day. and also had to get ready to go to santa cruz! took bee and two friends. to the mystery spot. was cool but man do i need to make some cool single friends! bee of course took off with her friends so i was mostly by myself. usually im pretty ok with being alone.. but since this break up.. man i just miss him so much .. we would of had such a great time! .. :( but it sucked. i sat on the beach by myself.. tried reading my book but agh was so not into it.. i could see all the stupid lovey dovey couples walking around. anyways i survied. sunday was pretty non productive.. had so much i wanted to do.. but sleeping just felt so much better. i did however make bee her curtains.. look so cute!

Your horoscope for March 30, 2009 The key to being successful for you today, Janice, is to maintain an air of stability and grounding. If others see you as being too flighty and off the wall, they will be hesitant about putting their trust in you. Make sure you do things in your power that will help boost your clout. You will need this support from others later on. Creating a solid base from which to build on is key.

bees room

so yes we have tons of projects going on here at home. this house really sucks and im trying to make it more of a home.. so far i got carpet and already is 100xs better! so lots of cleaning up and throwing out junk. bees room has a theme now that we are working with.. we painted her dresser and last night i went and got fabric and paint for her room! its aqua green and brown.. looks good together. and poka dots!

one year ago today... .

we met in the middle of the night.. after talking to anthony since the december before. something id done a few times before.. i never knew that night would change my life.. so much has happend.. so much is about to happen. i dont know which way life going to go but i know not to worry about it.. just letting god guide me..

i committed to volunteer 100hrs today!i cant wait to hear from them and find out what new adventures i will embark on helping ppl on the way!




Your horoscope for March 27, 2009 Today is apt to be quite favorable for you, Janice, and you should keep the lines of communication open so that you can spread your knowledge out to others, and likewise receive the incredibly important information that is due to come your way. Your energy might come in erratic, yet powerful bursts at this time, and you should find that your overall ego and powerful emotions are quite strong.


Your lovescope for March 27, 2009 Sometimes it happens that as one door closes, another one opens. This could indeed be the scenario, with today's planetary alignment. Where a relationship or one chapter in a certain relationship may have ended, another new one may be about to begin. An event today brings you a great feeling of warmth and cheer, and opens your heart to the possibility of a better future.

money

takes wayyyyy longer to build up then to drain out of my bank account! But feels good to not stress over bills!
my sister said that i get to baby sit nessa! and get PAID for it! man that would be soooooo good.. to have extra money coming in.. i really want my own place to live! of course getting to baby sit nessa is awesome too.. i LOVE that kid soooo much!

so i know what im addicted to.. men. i want one so bad. i feel so i dont know incomplete with out one. sounds horrible .. i dont even care which one it is sometimes.?! im a relationship junkie! thats what makes me stick around so long? and i learned why i pick broken men! cuz of my damn dad! my dad is so messed up in the head but i dont hate him.. i dont like him but i dont hate him.. agh man i so have to go to that counselor at work. man i just need someone to help me sort through all this crap! small group is great.. im learning a lot more about myself talking to these ladies whom if it wasnt for church id never have any kind of relationship with women like this. but they rock.

anthony.. oh dear anthony.. we are broken up yet im still on a rollercoaster ride with him.. actually not really.. i think now im mostly just watching him on the rollercoaster ride. im able to just watch now.. but i do hate seeing him like this. he has this rage that.. wow... just nuts.. i feel really bad for him. and i miss the good him.. but ohhh so glad we broke up and i dont have to be around the bad him!

oh man oh man...

what a CRAZY day yesterday was! Bees dad called.. i felt such a sense of relief when i heard his voice. sooooo soooooooo glad hes alive. what a horrible feeling not knowing if he was dead of alive. i was so pissed i missed the call.. damn phone.. stupid texting. wish bee could of talked to him. i think they both need eachother. wish he knew how worried he made us all. but thank god hes alive. now everyone can sleep a little better. i hope he calls back soon.
and the biggest crazy news! my best friend.. who was straight when i first met her.. yesterday omfg... she got... married..... to a ...... chick! well became domestic partners.. but they are doing like a wedding thing on 090909!!!! ack! omg i was so blown away all day yesterday couldnt believe my eyes! but she really did it. man oh man!
last night bee and me painted her dresser.. came out great! its like a aqua green. i bought that dresser when she was like 3yrs old.. 10yrs ive been wanting to sand and paint that thing.. always waited for her dad to do it then i just lagged.. but finally got it done! and we are planning a trip to the mystery spot.! this weekend. didnt even think about doing something for spring break.. till all her friends were going places.. so now im already feeling bad that i wont have my man on this trip. :( so stupid. why do i have to feel that way.?

damn these are good!

Your horoscope for March 24, 2009 Janice, it could be that you have recently been building up fanciful scenarios in your head regarding how you think things should be, either in a romantic situation, a business situation, or a family situation. More than likely, these images will come into conflict with reality as you discover that you need to take a much more grounded and analytical approach to what you have going.


ok so i guess we were texting back and forth yesterday. got a little deep at times. the jist of it is he still wants us to one day work. not that im opposed to it.. but realistically i dont think hes down to put in the work.. and even if he was.. i dont know that it would be enough for me. like honestly the man i want by my side for the rest of my life wouldnt do any of the things he does. well like the whole money and possesions thing.. i agree that i was bad with my money and shouldnt be so careless with it but he i guess like i at times was too had a double standard.. it was ok for him to spend endless amounts of money on his "hobbies" and i guess he didnt say much about me spending it on myself but would always have something to say if i ever spent money on others.. even on bee.. sorry but it thats what i want to do why shouldnt i? and he always had something to say about my family.. ok i did cater to them at times.. but they are my family and sometimes its ok.. and the whole respect thing.. i was so sad when it was lost. i was very contious of when it first happend the first time he cursed at me. agh he's not a bad guy.. but the respect thing is huge. the trust thing is huge! its not going to happen with out it. how the heck do u even work on that? man ok grounded i am. no more fluttering... sigh. i just wish this was easier. wish i knew exactly what was right to do.