vote for ACE !!!

http://photos.parents.com/category/vote/photo/1420891

im sick of being fat!

so ive been fat for a long time now and for the most part i was ok with it. i had a lot of confidence.. false confidence or not i had it. well now its pretty much all gone. stuff in my life has been going on that well makes me want to puch someone in the face then myself because well its my own desisions that have got me where im at today. blah..

the war at home

first things first... i had a baby! my litle love Ace.. born on dec 27th 2011.. the love of my life.. i could talk all day about him.. but whats really on my mind right now is the war at home. my daughter B and my bf A... are at eachothers necks.. and lucky ol me gets to be stuck right smack dab in the middle. she is 16 and not too bad of a kid. she has a mouth on her and thats what gets her in trouble. but my 32 yr old bf is the one that is really driving me nuts. he acts just like her.. and worse! does things on purpose to piss ppl off.. agh.. its just such a huge mess at home.. i dont know how to deal with any of it.. so i just slip into my own little world. i know it doesnt help matters but i guess it help keep me calm and not blow up... but i have to find some help. because my little world is slowly slipping away! some one is going to get hurt!

20 weeks preg!

its the 1st of the month

and he wont leave. i dont know what to do. he wont pay half the bills and rent. i cant stand listening to his shit everyday. never has anything good to say.. just how wrong i do everything. how reluctant i am to change? who fucking says i want to change to his needs? no passion. no financial support even for himself. putting me down all day. what the fuck do i do.? stupid stupid day.. n now i get to go home to a 3 day weekend with him. going to try and burry myself in my own work. tune his fucked up words as much as i can.

today has been a sucky day

it started out sucky.. bus lady fucked up.. got to work all sweaty and late. floor meeting was half interesting. heard some good gossip. got to see an old friend. then my bf opened his stupid fucking mouth. honestly its time to bounce. cant do it with the way we both think.. maybe in his world shit goes the way he wants it to but not in my world. dunno if either is right.. but its def not right for me. tomorrow is friday.. only thing great about that is i dont have to wake up at the butt crack on sat for work. oh joy.

stress-- learning to deal.

still no car. thank god for my cousin Dee she has been picking me up in the am for work and picking me up after work. i have a bunch of errands i have to run today going to have to figure something out. luckily she will be able to drop me off at my dr's appt today. yeah i finally did it.. made an appt with a counselor.. many times in my life ive been overwhelmed with stress and just kept trucking.. but its gotten to the point where well its too much and i just cant deal. i know one session isnt going to fix me but i really hope she can give me some kind of pointers on how to not blow up.. do something stupid. i think the only reason i think im finally doing it now is because of this baby inside me. when things get really bad i keep thinking fuck this baby is feeling everything im feeling. after a crazy episode im so exhausted and my body aches for days.. can only imagine what its doing to my little growing peanut..
i been trying to figure out the bus schedual to get around and do what i have to do. getting to work is going to be a breeze.. getting home is another story. errands, i still have no idea what im going to do to get them done.. but i been thinking ppl go their whole lives with out ever having a car and they still get things done.. im in a tiny town im sure i will manage somehow.
my relationship with anthony.. i dont even know what to say. im so confuzzled.. and im not. so clear what has to happen then it gets all muddy and i have no idea what is the right thing to do. one thing i know for sure is im scared shitless either way it goes.
My Bee. i feel like such a looser mom.