dragging it out.

04/26/09 9:35am
all this time uve had no faith. u keep sayn u have these feelings of hate. u just found sum 1 new u wanna date thats what all ur lonely talk is about. ur not fooln
ne1.
9:36am: evn not together u kant be honest about u. me waiting 4 u is just wasting my time isnt it?
9:43am: and if u got sum1 2b mad at blame urslf and all the poor choices u made and felt u had 2 inform ur bf about then try 2 kp them as friends o and the best part lie 2 me about them! Thanks! u love sum1 so much u lie 2 them then blame me like it was my fault.
11:47am im sorry 4 that. im no better either.
4:19pm I love you baby!
i didnt text him back at all this day.

4/26/09 5:56am Good morning love. Have a good day
9:32am so ur really done with me. ok. so much 4 hope and love. Thank u 4 all the gr8 memories and the gr8 thngs u brought 2 my life. i love u janice. buts n nolts 4ever.
12:33pm txt me back plz. tell me the mean and hurtfull stuff. make it easier on me.

i texted back
i hate u for breaking my heart. i hate you for letting me go. i hate you for being so fucked up. i FUCKING hate loving you. i HATE YOU. U FUCKED ME UP SO FUCKING BAD. I HATE THAT EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF YOU OF US. MAKES ME ACHE FOR YOU. i hate that u just keep me dangling from a string and still have balls to try and make me feel bad. i still get all the bad shit w out anymore of ur love. fuck you. i dont want to love you anymore. i want to forget you. you wont love me back.


12:49pm. thank you.

and here i sit balling my eyes out trying to get all of that out.

are we all just hurting eachother?

so i pretty much prob messed up my ex husband then he messed me up even more. then my ex bf pretty much re-messed me up. and of course my parents were the first to mess me up. alllll of this hurting was so unintentional i know but so when does it stop? why cant anyone of us get it right? i wonder how much ive messed up bee. i hope not as much as me. does anyone ever try to actually fix themselves? is anyone really "healthy"? i know i dont know anyone that isnt dyfuntional in one way or an other.


i remember when ignorance was bliss!

i burnt...

my BOOB! ya! i fricken burnt my boob.. was making burgers and i flipped a patty and dang grease splashed on my boob.. no i was not cooking top less.. splashed on my shirt and burnt my boob.. ok so it was a small burn but still! looks like i have a hickey right now. (i wish!) hope it dont hella scar. i made a crock pot roast last night.. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! it was a hit! so im slowly talking to ppl of course now is when he wants to talk to me the most. said hes gonna marry me.. ya i wont hold my breathe. did that with bees dad and he only got worse. any ways im thinking single sucks! but so much better then fighting allllllll the time over the lamest shit!

btw.. was fun hanging with my cousins.. but i so need more friends!

so fucking unfair!

ya whys it have to be so hard.. ! i been trying to stick with the whole church thing.. trying to believe that god has a plan for me.. but im so pissed! its so unfair why give me a taste of what i want to then take it away! how fucking cruel. im so fucking restless. im have that same almost desperate feeling i had before. ok so i know there has to be major issues that make me feel this way but fucking damnit i just want to have my someone. someone to hold me at the end of the day. so fucking stupid why do we have to feel incomplete without a stupid man! i hate wanting him. i hate not having him.



Your horoscope for April 21, 2009 Recent spiritual breakthroughs might have you feeling both exhilarated and downcast, Janice. The sensitive side of you tells you that this is a definite step forward on your spiritual path, but the logical side of you might be causing you to doubt the reality of it. Take comfort in the fact that reality is relative, and that what you are sensing is at least very valid for you. Then keep moving ahead!

ohh oh and..

i have started having fun with my friends again!







of course this is what i will alllllllways miss!

a new life.

im about to turn 30. the BIG 30! life has just been on overdrive. so much just keeps changing and im trying to catch up. on my mind lately besides the obvious is my cafe. a house. a car. my credit. i just need to get off my butt and start putting things in motion before i let to much time pass again. im in a good position to make this happen right now. so GET OFF YOUR BUTT JANICE!


Your horoscope for April 10, 2009 You are not the kind of woman who likes to lead a perfectly ordinary life. You are not afraid by the unknown. On the contrary, you like to open up to new worlds and cultures. You are sometimes willing to change your entire life. Today, Janice, to your greatest satisfaction, you will probably find unusual directions which could lead your life to new horizons.

my path?

why do i want to just scream!?! im so conflicted. i need to stop thinking about him!

Your horoscope for April 7, 2009 You may be feeling a little hesitant today, Janice, and not really sure quite why. Just when you thought you had it all figured out, another aspect of the issue comes up and offers a completely different perspective. It may be hard for you to stick with one path and stay with it. Keep in mind that your unique path may incorporate many different side-paths. That's fine! In fact, this is one of your many gifts.

anxious friday!

its friday and im dying to go cause a ruckus somewhere..
1. i need to work over time tomorrow and cant do it all hung over.
2. i dont want to go spend money right now
3. i dont want to run into the wrong ppl (horny guys)!
4. i have so much more to work on.
5. i dont have anyone around me right now id want to hang out with(prob a very good thing!)


Your horoscope for April 3, 2009 Today is an excellent day for you, Janice, in which you will discover many opportunities in your daily routine. You would do well working with others by tuning into your sensitive nature and chiming in to the energy of the group. Your grounding and stability is exactly what is needed to give order to the fluctuating and indecisive minds that you are working with.

so mixed up.

agh he.. omg so tired of talking about him!


Your horoscope for April 2, 2009 Slow down your pace a bit today, Janice. This is more of a day to sit back and observe. Soak things in and contemplate. Your mind may be going in a hundred different directions today, and you may not be sure which route to take. Try to quiet the buzzing chatter within. Be receptive to the loving and sensitive forces all around you. Try not to disturb the flow by bringing up unrelated issues and hurtful gossip.

curtains..

before and after...

salt

god.
why does it still have to hurt so much. just when i think things are going to be ok he texts and its like salt over an open wound. i wish i could just forget him. no i dont want to forget him forever just until it don't hurt to think about him anymore. god i miss him so much. i don't want things to go back how they were before but i can feel myself growing restless.. like i just want something to happen already. i don't know what but i hate not knowing what life is going to bring. god please just guide me to make good decisions. help me through this pain.