day three

i miss lots of stuff about him, how he played with my hair, how good it felt to hug him how comfortable i was laying in his arms how safe it felt, how much i loved going everywhere with him holding his hands. his hands were my favorite part. they were perfect. so much that i miss. but theres a lot of stuff i am so happy to be away from too. i wonder how long it will take to forget him. to stop wanting him.. im getting excited to live a new drama free life! im excited to get the house looking nice again. excited to hang with friends. i hope loneliness stays away.





Your horoscope for March 18, 2009 This could be a highly productive day for you, if you approach it in the right way. You will find that you have an added burst of energy that could help you conquer just about any task you set your mind to, Janice. You may feel more aggressive than usual, so use this to your advantage by delegating tasks and moving forward on projects that you would like to see get accomplished at this time.

day two

yesterday was ok i was in the office and pretty content. then after work i had small group. it was pretty intense. we had a question about fathers. pretty heavy stuff. then the shit hit the fan, He reminded me why breaking up is the best thing for ME! he cried about the cans, garbage bags and movies?!then called me petty? i didnt take shit from him.. then he sent me a pretty nasty text after i left. i cried so hard on the way home i couldnt even see past my glasses. got to my dads and sat in the van for a while crying my heart out begging god to take the pain away. i have a million and one horrible things to throw in his face and all i could do was text him back that i loved him and that he'd always have a spot in my heart. bye. we went back and forth a little him just going back and forth from sorry to hurtful. back in the office today. pretty great here. love the cafeteria! love seeing my friends here. tonight im going to the movies with nichole. she said something about a tattoo special tonight so we'll see. He texted me on his break said he missed me. i said me too. he said he wanted to hold me i replied it was going to take a long time for that feeling to go away for me. then just told him to have a good day. i love him no doubt. but i dont like all the hurtful things he is.




Your lovescope for March 17, 2009 The current aspect gives you the ability to laugh where you may have recently wanted to cry. Whatever the situation that tormented you, you will be able to see it in a new light after today. But then, you may also get some help from a person whom you know well, but have not considered in a romantic sense. They will help you see the light.

day one

in the office today. this weekend was so rough. i cried at the most random moments. i miss him so much. all i wanted was to see him so bad. i wanted to hug him. lay in bed with him and fall asleep for days. hold his big hands. but i didnt even get to hear his voice. texts were all i got. im so greatful for my family. i dont think i would of made it if it werent for them. god at one point i wanted to beg and plead! how pathetic. but now that im out of there feel just a little better. i dont have to sit there and hope he comes home. stupid stupid stupid hope.




Your horoscope for March 16, 2009 If by chance you have to speak in public these days, Janice, trust that people will enjoy listening. Words come to you effortlessly, and you exude confidence and willingly accept the compliments of others. Your energy level is high and you will be unstoppable. This is only fair, after all the work you have put in these last few months!

introspection

oh so many things tell me to keep looking within myself for the answers to the whys.. i feel like im on the verge of something so so sooooo scary yet pretty exciting. like things will just become so clear and its all just the obvious. but im growing impatient. i dont want to go through this hurt to get the answers. i dont want the long road.

i want my man to always feel safe and secure. hmm obviously not finacially but that would be nice for a change. but just my big man to hold me when times are rough and to say it will be all right baby. to feel his big strong hands comforting me. i know i have to let go but he was almost my everything.. anyways im sleep deprived and probably not making much sense. good night. i love you anthony.

saturday

i been moping around here for days. i know its going to be fine. i know its for the better. i just have this feeling of not understanding. which is pretty hilarious because thats what we talked about at celebrate on thursday. we want so bad to understand things when somethings we never going to understand. its just the way god wants it to be. so all this pain.. all this heartache is for a reason? why does it have to hurt so much.? what is in store for me next? any why are we so afraid of the unknown. im going to try to not let it get me down today. have a lot to do and need to just pick myself up and do it.


Your horoscope for March 14, 2009 The universe is inviting you magnify your vision, Janice. It's time to see the bigger, the better, the more advanced side of things. Remember that life is a mirror; you are highly unlikely to receive more than you hope for. So dream big, hope big, imagine yourself in the stars. Don't sell yourself short - it's a misuse of humility and modesty.

sissy bitch

i feel like such a sissy little bitch.. crying all weekend.. boo hoo my poor feelings are hurt. god knock it off.. i hate all this feelings crap. and talking about them.. yeah that don't help! just leaves me feeling more vulnerable and i cry some fucking more!! i feel like i hate the world right now. i hate everyone who has a loving man. hate everyone who is having sex! i hate myself for wanting attention. for wanting to feel desired. i hate myself for wanting to feel that connection that comes with the intimacy of our bodies connecting. today i hate. of course i will be "just fine" but really i just fucking HATE!






Your horoscope for March 9, 2009 Unsettling news from far away could have you feeling somewhat upset and a little depressed. The temptation to withdraw into yourself and brood might seem too strong to resist, but this may not be the best course of action. Getting things done is likely to be the best therapy in emotional situations like this, Janice, so if there is a new project you've been considering taking on, this is the day to do it.

yesterday

did laundry.. felt good outside. cookie laid around around outside in the sun. had tacos from the taco truck at lunch and seen they keep the bottle caps.! so i asked what they did with them and they said they just throw them away so i asked if i could have them. and he said yes! so i got a crafty itch! been digging in my pics to see what i can cut up and put in the caps. got a few started. after work i touched up my hair bleached the roots of my streak. went to walmart with Anthony to go get his niece a bday present. got her this cute little cheerleader doll that sings in English and Spanish! to cute. i like his cousins.. Richard and Dora Marie. especially Richard.. hes very talkative and made me feel welcome and part of the fam. we left cuz i had church. on the way home we were talking about his brothers kids and his cousin Joe how they always used to be over his (and her) apt. i think he really misses that. i don't know why he stopped but can help but feel its my fault.. i know better of course but still. then he started to cry and said he wanted to hang out with her kid for his bday. i know he didn't mean to hurt me but the way ive been feeling lately i just wanted to disappear. ive been asking him what he wants to do and he cant think of anything. i know im wrong but i keep thinking he cant think of anything to do with me. then im so fucking jealous of all the stupid bitches(i dont mean bitches really im sure they are nice chicks)at his work cuz they get to have the happy Anthony all fucking day. seems like any time hes happy is when hes there or talking about them. i know im prob just more focused on it cuz im feeling very neglected but common. so they are making a big deal for his bday today. and thats fine im glad for him.. i know how great that feels but only makes me more jealous. like i cant even compete with them agh or her kid. well i guess thats how i make him feel sometimes too. so what is it? why are we so disconnected? why do i feel so far away from him? i guess i dont make him feel very wanted sometimes too. omg i just dont want to get hurt. hes very hurtful. says very mean things. or says things that just come out sounding very mean. hes very sensitive to his feelings.. VERY sensitive.. but when it comes to the feelings of others hes not so sensitive. thinks that just because hes being "honest" and up front he can bulldozer around leveling ppl. because he so smart. he knows how everything should "be". what ppl are feeling and how they need to act. he does have alot of things to say but his delivery is where i just stop listening. hes very overwhelming almost controling. to much to take in large EVERYDAY doses. fuck especially first thing in the morning. god nothing worse then being scolded even before u get to step out of bed. i love him very much but all the songs fucking lie.. love is not all u need.


i was weary about going to church last night. because of how down ive been feeling. but im glad i did. i didnt get to share but thats ok i just listened and thats something im really trying hard to do. listen and learn. i realllly really love the music! that road to recovery song is just awesome! think it also has to do with how riled up everyone gets! so great. anyways im glad i went.