Tuesday, June 14, 2011
kicked in the nuts.. but still standing.
so im 11 weeks pregnant today. no more puking. Thank god. but things are pretty not so great. i have outstanding loans. i missed a lot of work due to insanity. made my pay check suck which just backed me up that much more. soo now my car has been repo'd yesterday right before lunch.. oh joy. i was only one payment late because i changed my due date to the 15th.. only the dumb bitch that was handling it never finished the process and i....i was supposed to check up and make sure it got done? so anyways cant afford to get it out of the impound now. going to be over a thousand to get it out. and my loan was only 2500.. oh and to get my posses ions out of my car is now at $50.. had my house keys in there. camping tents, movies i had to return, all my makeup and a bunch of tools. oh joy huh. a bunch of other creditors threatening this and that. well they can all suck it. i understand i put myself in this mess.. not blaming them for that.. just for them being blood hungry aholes! trying to bleed me out of what i dont got using intimidation to get it. i wonder how they all sleep at night? because of all this stress yes that i brought on myself... my work performance has been a roller coaster. that i have to fix like last week i NEED this job! so all of this is the smaller of my problems. i cant live with my bf anymore. or he cant live with me anymore. unless i duct tape his mouth and stick him in the closet when he gets out of hand! does anyone remember the show alley mcbeal.. how she use to have these vivid images of stuff she would see in her head.. ya i get that i keep seeing myself hovering over him with a pillow. thats when its going ok.. when its not its more like jumping on his back and stabbing him many many many times. i dont know if its hormonal.. god knows im clinically insane with this nutty pregnancy.. but its hitting me VERY very hard. im making light of the situation but its really bad. only two ppl in my life know about this.. i used to be a cutter. i know, i know it sounds like a crazy thing to do but well i guess only a cutter would understand. ok so this is how it was for me.. started with my daughters dad.. major major after school lifetime movie kind of a relationship. just about everything horrible you can think of happened between us. so i was only 15 when i started dating him got preg got married. i never learned any coping skills. (oh yeah came from a pretty messed up home to begin with) so yeah i didnt know how to cope with anything really... he was physically abusive. later so was i. so after many years of this i was in my early 20s' actually it started in my late teens.. one time after a huge fight dont remember what had broken in the process of the fight... i was what seemed like hyperventilating.. couldn't breathe then was crying uncontrollably but some how my arm got cut.. i dont remember feeling it hurt or anything but i remember seeing it happen like in slow motion... i saw my skin split in two.. seen the blood rise out of my skin i saw how it filled the cracks of my skin like little branches then over flood like a little puddle then a bigger puddle. i dont know how long i was sitting there watching all this.. but after a while i noticed how calm i was and how beautiful the whole process had been. like this puddle had just released all this pain and suffering i was feeling. i sat there for a long time after feeling so at peace. i felt soothed. relaxed. i dont remember the first time i did it on purpose. not sure why i would think that would stick out in my memory.. but anyways every time it got insane at home.. and heres something i just thought about it wasnt when we physically fought it was when we would talk yell shout what ever.. when i would get frustrated! ive never been great at correctly expressing what im feeling and it boggles me when ppl dont get it. so for years when i got hysterical i would lock myself up in the bathroom mostly.. id break anything breakable find the sharpest edge and make a smallish slash on my arm. i started with bigger slashed but it all went too fast to watch so i made smaller ones and loved each one. like little friends performing beautiful art to take me out of where i was. so that is how i became a cutter. why am i spilling my guts now.. well that all stopped after i split from my husband. i have no idea why i still had very big problems come up.. but none that needed me to cut myself. i cant really explain that either something i guess i should think about more. buttttttt years and years after the last time i did i feel myself doing it again.. ive had to resort to other destructive things in order to not cut myself. .. im pregnant so i cant go have a drink or smoke or go have sex with a random person. lightbulb.. all things i first replaced cutting myself with. anyways i was doing good before i got preg. i was going to the gym a lot. and i felt great. cant really hit the gym hard being preg and since ive had a miscarriage i have to be very careful. so remember that bf i told you about the one i have vivid images of stabbing multiple times?. ya i dont want to lay the full blame on him.. i have control over what i do.. but well ya he pisses me off.. BEYOND frustration... theres no talking to him. i try soooo HARD to keep my cool.. i walk away i tell him please lets take a break. even try to just ignore him.. but he pushes and pushes and pushes.. i never ever want to get physical with him or anyone else for that matter. i used to be a cool cucumber could take enormous amounts of crap from anyone with out me even giving a damn.. but well i dont know if its him? me getting older? the situation of everything else around me? all the stress? me being pregnant? i have no idea but i feel like a time bomb. last night i locked myself up in the bathroom.. was really bad.. but it freaks me out so bad to flip out like i did because i know that this baby in me can feel everything im feeling. i dont want to be the reason i loose this baby. i dont want to hurt it. i tried breathing. that didnt work. i dug my nails in to my hand that didnt work. i paced that didnt work. was crying uncontrollably... i started to punch my legs that didnt work so i sat on the floor and opened the cabinet doors.. popped the mirror out of a make up kit under the sink wrapped it in toilet paper and broke it. (crap seven years bad luck)i fought this immense urge with everything i had. i tried calling mental health on the back of my insurance card.. they were no help. well i did kinda lie and tell them i was ok cuz i freaked out didnt want them to send cops over to my house. then tried my church lady to see if she could tell me who i could call but that didnt work either.. after all this tho i found some kinda rational thinking start to poke through. i sat there for a while talking to umm im not sure.. then i apologized to my baby.. texted my daughter told her i loved her and was sorry for the crappy life ive given her. and i got up went to my bed. ate some food my bf had bought me and i was over it. of course then he had to say some dumb shit again that made me dig my nails into my arm but i shook that one off pretty quick n just fell asleep. h yeah ok so im exposing myself right now.. because if its not a secret i cant hide it. im ashamed of it. i feel im weak because of it. i DONT want to hurt myself. i have an appointment with a counselor on thursday. i dont know what to expect ive never been. but i want to learn healthy ways of coping with lifes kicks in the balls. :) till next time. wish me luck!