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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

late night trip to walmart

sigh.. so i know i have been single for a while now but it just dont get easier. tonight i went to walmart to go get some stuff for the house. and i was good till i seen this couple loading stuff into their car together then i turn the other way and theres another couple just making out by their car. sigggggh. stupid but i miss all the little things. think it just got worse having anthony here all that time. and i kinda knew it wasnt real when i tried to kiss him more then just the pecks he was giving me.. but i wanted it to be real so bad i just ignored it. how depressing to know theres no one that loves me anymore. well no guy i guess not the kinda love i want. and theres no guy i love back. im not sure what this feeling is. its almost anger? but no one to really be mad at? stupid.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


i wish i had something super great to write about. basically was just another stupid bar night. i hate staying home but at the same time... this whole going out every weekend with the same result.. is just sooooooo fucking old.... im tooo fucking old for this shit... really i mean im like the oldest one.. like really what the fuck am i supposed to do tho.. stay home and twiddle my thumbs? i hate every boy i meet. and not like anthony is ever going to change... hes just agh i dunno. so almmmmmost perfect but just not quite.. i cant get over some of his shit. anddddd so jumpy bout the old shit.. fuck if im ever going to be put down like he puts me down.. i have NO clue how to meet anyone new.. anyone REAL.. really why they fuk dont ppl ask anyone out? how did i miss all this growing up? oh yeah cashed in all my chips at 15.. boy did i miss out on a lot of schoolage! welp im here now.. what to do what to do.. i work at home.. no contact with the outside world unless i go out? im not going to meet mr right at the grocery store.. or walmart.. thats about all i got. websites suck just as much as the bar does.. am i just supposed to be single forever? i dont know how bitches do it.. bf after bf... dude this last one almost made me flip to the other team.. ack.. na never.. ok fuk how sad huh. everyone thinks i like being single.. and not having another kid.. so sick of ppl telling to have another kid.. fuck all you fuckers for reminding me! agh hate everyone right now!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

weekend in.

so i been single for over 5 months now. i was going out every single weekend.. sometimes during the week. this was my first weekend just staying home. last weekend i blacked out. figured it was time to slow down. yesterday i was home alone. i got a little antsy and almost just threw some clothes on to go get a beer at garys.. really just wanted to see the teddy bear. but i stayed home. of couse i did leave just to see the kid for a while. was pretty worth it. he frustrates the fuck outta me tho. hes pretty lame-ish except for making me feel great. hes not the best conversationalist but great kisser. agh A.. keeps saying he loves me. i dont know if i really have moved on or just to scared of his crazy ass. i miss him so much sometimes it makes me sick. like i just want him to be next to me so bad it makes me sad. that one full day we hung out was pretty fantastic. um well except for him examining my "facial expressions" so lame. like common really why not just live your life and not worry so much. and of course he examined the wrong fucking thoughts. said something about a look of disgust.? like agh i dunno dont even want to think about it.. either way he thought i was checking shaggy out.. god.. if he only knew what a dumb azz shaggy is.. hes a totall cheating pig. mando just called.. lame i dont answer booty calls! not that i ever gave him any .. but im so bored tempted to call him back.. agh fuk it.. imma just smoke :)omg i just remembered.. asshold anthony is talking to his ex.. the chick he said he didnt ever want to have shit to do with her cuz she was crazy.. ya the fuckin asshole "accidently" replied to me what he was trying to reply to her.. he said blah blah blah ur beautiful! i wish i wasnt so ugly. .. it took a second but my blood just boiled over... i was sooooo beyond pissed. i tried not to be like i didnt want to give a fuk.. but i do. did. not that im worried hes fucking her.. cuz really he can fuck who ever he wants to. but he made me feel like such a piece of shit for thinking it was ok to be friends with ex's then hes sitting there telling me he loves me all the while texting this bitch! he said he just meant shes a beautiful person. wtf ever.. he saids shes gross. wtf ever. she did give off a looser vibe from her myspace. wish i knew what the stupid bitch looks like. oh i only have hate for her cuz of that stupid little comment she made on anthonys myspace about him being single. cunt! haha wow now ariel is calling.. eff that.. agh i did want to hang out with someone.. but so tired of these stupid boys. my fault i guess. i dont know how to make relationships out of nothing. all it ever is, is sex. theres my prob no one ever wants to "date" they want to fuck. take teacher. i fresh out of a real relationship.. that left me very broken hearted. me and teacher talked for a long while never ever talking about sex... i thought he was awesome. asked if i wanted to smoke sometime. sure why the heck not.. i even showed up in sweats.. thought this is a cool guy friend. nope soon as we were high.. he tried to be all rico suave.. failed... i freaked. we kissed and that was it. i bailed. of course i went back for more later but thats besides the point. i mean really no guys just want to be cool friends? why would they i guess when they have eachother for friendship. pretty sad. ok so how else do i meet a guy and keep it in line for potential bf? like ok bars are fun and u meet some cool ppl.. obviously u cant take them home and fuk them and still think they are bf material. so then whereeeeee????!!!?!?!?!?!?! online same thing. mostly 99.9%of the time they just want to fuck too. i mean shit i do to. i love to fuck.. but im so tired of this almost pointless fucking. god i need to smoke. sad sad sad how fucking retarded men are.. and even more retarded how all us girls want one to keep for ever and ever. we are social beings. we need ppl. if only we were sane.

Friday, July 10, 2009

the kid/man

This guy is driving me nuts! i want to never see him again.. untill i do get to see him and kiss him and feel him. then i leave walking on clouds a big stupid grin on my face dying for the next moment i get to see him again. i can see trouble i see all the red flags and simply dont give a fuck. im sure i will come back to this blog later and kick my own ass. what ever.


had to share.
Current mood: adored
Category: Life
" I was to old to call it love at first sight, but i had all the symptoms. People have died for love, they have lied and cheated and parted from those who loved them in turn. Love has slammed doors on fortunes, made bad men from heroes and heroes from libertines. Love has corrupted, cured, depraved and perverted. It is the remedy, the melody, the poison and the pain. The appetite, the antidote, the fever and the flavour. Love kills. Love cures. Love is a bloody menace. Oh but its fun while it lasts. The world faltered on its axis, then resumed its customary gyration, a place of improved possibilities."

The cutting room
-Louise Welsh

Sunday, June 28, 2009


why? why are they so difficult?! why isnt there any good ones? ok so i get i have a patteren of finding the really wrong ones.. but aghhhhhh how they heck do u find the good ones? this is so frustrating. i keep hearing stop looking.. ok i stopped still run into the wrong ones! im stuck. i need a change.. big change in my life... dont mean just my love life.. i feel like ive been on pause. time to get off my ass and do something good for myself.

Monday, June 22, 2009

oh forgot pics of my 30th!

been so long

since ive blogged. i really need to get back into this.. felt good to get all my feelings out. but lately ive just been so blah.. news.. my brother got married.. wedding was awesome even though i dont remember much of the end.. wine makes my brain fuzzy~! Anthony has started texting me a lot more.. all this love stuff.. to confusing to even think about right now. i have to try and keep someone kinda focus on me and bee.. have to better my self! agh i just miss so much about him. of course theres all the shit i will never miss..and am so glad to be away from.

Monday, May 18, 2009

4days till 30!

and bee found my second grey hair!
i couldnt sleep last night. tossed and turned till almost 4am. stupid. just wish he wouldnt text me crap thats hes doing. thats prob the hardest wondering who hes doing all this stuff with.. when it was supposed to of been us two. agh stupid stupid stupid.

Your horoscope for May 18, 2009 You may need to use your charm and wit to ease a tense situation, Janice. More than likely, there is a gridlock forming that is making you feel uncomfortable. Your solution to the problem is to put on a happy face and take attention away from the difficulty by pulling a few good jokes out of your pocket. Realize that this technique may delay your having to face a particular situation for a while, but it will certainly not keep you from having to deal with it eventually

Friday, May 15, 2009

count down to the big 30!

i have 7days left till im 30! then two more days till my big birthday bash! im excited i hope everything turns out GREAT! having a bit of a conflict on a "date" for the night.. He asked if he was invited.. told him sorry i just couldnt handle it. i wouldnt even know how to act around him now. then i have a guy friend that i dont want to really invite cuz i dont really know him super well to feel comfortable to bring him around my family. then theres another guy i thought would be a good potential "date" but now im not to sure. agh either way im having fun!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

fingers crossed!

hahaha i love these things sometimes! going to church tonight! fingers crosesd! haha

Your horoscope for May 7, 2009 Be sure to be open and receptive to any invitations that come your way today or any new people that enter your life. Change is in the air for you, Janice, and you need only be receptive in order for it to come about. You may even meet someone at a social event who winds up being your partner for life. Explore all your interests and trust your intuition, for it will be a most reliable guide.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

im so done sitting around

not that i havnt been meeting ppl or that ive really stayed home at all but ive just been holding back hoping for a miracle thats never gonna come.. hes right.. i deserve someone awesome.

Your horoscope for May 6, 2009 The doldrums are over and its time to pick up the pace, Janice. Come out of your nest in full regalia today, and be proud of what you have to offer to the world. Be courageous in your dealings with others, and take the time to express yourself fully in a creative manner. The bigger the smile you wear, the farther you will go in just about every situation you encounter.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

i told him i hated him

he texted me last thursday from bradleys... it was his brothers bday and he reminded me it was a year ago from that day we were at that bar together.. said he couldnt stop thinking about me.. he hadnt texted me all day. then i started crying after that text. i told him i hated him for telling me that. and that it had been a good day and now i was just sitting there crying. he hasnt texted me since that night. i was cool all weekend. was cool yesterday dont know why i keep thinking about it today. i just keep crying. why? i thought i was over it and tears just keep coming. im soooo tempted to text him. i want to so bad. but fucking damnit i know better then that.. i just want to so bad.

Monday, April 27, 2009

dragging it out.

04/26/09 9:35am
all this time uve had no faith. u keep sayn u have these feelings of hate. u just found sum 1 new u wanna date thats what all ur lonely talk is about. ur not fooln
9:36am: evn not together u kant be honest about u. me waiting 4 u is just wasting my time isnt it?
9:43am: and if u got sum1 2b mad at blame urslf and all the poor choices u made and felt u had 2 inform ur bf about then try 2 kp them as friends o and the best part lie 2 me about them! Thanks! u love sum1 so much u lie 2 them then blame me like it was my fault.
11:47am im sorry 4 that. im no better either.
4:19pm I love you baby!
i didnt text him back at all this day.

4/26/09 5:56am Good morning love. Have a good day
9:32am so ur really done with me. ok. so much 4 hope and love. Thank u 4 all the gr8 memories and the gr8 thngs u brought 2 my life. i love u janice. buts n nolts 4ever.
12:33pm txt me back plz. tell me the mean and hurtfull stuff. make it easier on me.

i texted back
i hate u for breaking my heart. i hate you for letting me go. i hate you for being so fucked up. i FUCKING hate loving you. i HATE YOU. U FUCKED ME UP SO FUCKING BAD. I HATE THAT EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF YOU OF US. MAKES ME ACHE FOR YOU. i hate that u just keep me dangling from a string and still have balls to try and make me feel bad. i still get all the bad shit w out anymore of ur love. fuck you. i dont want to love you anymore. i want to forget you. you wont love me back.

12:49pm. thank you.

and here i sit balling my eyes out trying to get all of that out.

Friday, April 24, 2009

are we all just hurting eachother?

so i pretty much prob messed up my ex husband then he messed me up even more. then my ex bf pretty much re-messed me up. and of course my parents were the first to mess me up. alllll of this hurting was so unintentional i know but so when does it stop? why cant anyone of us get it right? i wonder how much ive messed up bee. i hope not as much as me. does anyone ever try to actually fix themselves? is anyone really "healthy"? i know i dont know anyone that isnt dyfuntional in one way or an other.

i remember when ignorance was bliss!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

i burnt...

my BOOB! ya! i fricken burnt my boob.. was making burgers and i flipped a patty and dang grease splashed on my boob.. no i was not cooking top less.. splashed on my shirt and burnt my boob.. ok so it was a small burn but still! looks like i have a hickey right now. (i wish!) hope it dont hella scar. i made a crock pot roast last night.. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! it was a hit! so im slowly talking to ppl of course now is when he wants to talk to me the most. said hes gonna marry me.. ya i wont hold my breathe. did that with bees dad and he only got worse. any ways im thinking single sucks! but so much better then fighting allllllll the time over the lamest shit!

btw.. was fun hanging with my cousins.. but i so need more friends!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

so fucking unfair!

ya whys it have to be so hard.. ! i been trying to stick with the whole church thing.. trying to believe that god has a plan for me.. but im so pissed! its so unfair why give me a taste of what i want to then take it away! how fucking cruel. im so fucking restless. im have that same almost desperate feeling i had before. ok so i know there has to be major issues that make me feel this way but fucking damnit i just want to have my someone. someone to hold me at the end of the day. so fucking stupid why do we have to feel incomplete without a stupid man! i hate wanting him. i hate not having him.

Your horoscope for April 21, 2009 Recent spiritual breakthroughs might have you feeling both exhilarated and downcast, Janice. The sensitive side of you tells you that this is a definite step forward on your spiritual path, but the logical side of you might be causing you to doubt the reality of it. Take comfort in the fact that reality is relative, and that what you are sensing is at least very valid for you. Then keep moving ahead!

Friday, April 10, 2009

ohh oh and..

i have started having fun with my friends again!

of course this is what i will alllllllways miss!

a new life.

im about to turn 30. the BIG 30! life has just been on overdrive. so much just keeps changing and im trying to catch up. on my mind lately besides the obvious is my cafe. a house. a car. my credit. i just need to get off my butt and start putting things in motion before i let to much time pass again. im in a good position to make this happen right now. so GET OFF YOUR BUTT JANICE!

Your horoscope for April 10, 2009 You are not the kind of woman who likes to lead a perfectly ordinary life. You are not afraid by the unknown. On the contrary, you like to open up to new worlds and cultures. You are sometimes willing to change your entire life. Today, Janice, to your greatest satisfaction, you will probably find unusual directions which could lead your life to new horizons.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

my path?

why do i want to just scream!?! im so conflicted. i need to stop thinking about him!

Your horoscope for April 7, 2009 You may be feeling a little hesitant today, Janice, and not really sure quite why. Just when you thought you had it all figured out, another aspect of the issue comes up and offers a completely different perspective. It may be hard for you to stick with one path and stay with it. Keep in mind that your unique path may incorporate many different side-paths. That's fine! In fact, this is one of your many gifts.

Friday, April 3, 2009

anxious friday!

its friday and im dying to go cause a ruckus somewhere..
1. i need to work over time tomorrow and cant do it all hung over.
2. i dont want to go spend money right now
3. i dont want to run into the wrong ppl (horny guys)!
4. i have so much more to work on.
5. i dont have anyone around me right now id want to hang out with(prob a very good thing!)

Your horoscope for April 3, 2009 Today is an excellent day for you, Janice, in which you will discover many opportunities in your daily routine. You would do well working with others by tuning into your sensitive nature and chiming in to the energy of the group. Your grounding and stability is exactly what is needed to give order to the fluctuating and indecisive minds that you are working with.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

so mixed up.

agh he.. omg so tired of talking about him!

Your horoscope for April 2, 2009 Slow down your pace a bit today, Janice. This is more of a day to sit back and observe. Soak things in and contemplate. Your mind may be going in a hundred different directions today, and you may not be sure which route to take. Try to quiet the buzzing chatter within. Be receptive to the loving and sensitive forces all around you. Try not to disturb the flow by bringing up unrelated issues and hurtful gossip.


before and after...


why does it still have to hurt so much. just when i think things are going to be ok he texts and its like salt over an open wound. i wish i could just forget him. no i dont want to forget him forever just until it don't hurt to think about him anymore. god i miss him so much. i don't want things to go back how they were before but i can feel myself growing restless.. like i just want something to happen already. i don't know what but i hate not knowing what life is going to bring. god please just guide me to make good decisions. help me through this pain.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

omg just let go already!

ok so texting is not helping at all! i need to just completely let go! and myspace might have to go too... agh.

Your horoscope for March 31, 2009 You might find that something or someone is purposefully trying to make things difficult for you today, Janice. It might seem as if you are trying to get a handle on the issues but somehow, things are slipping through your fingers like butter. Don't force yourself to make any major decisions and certainly don't try to herd people into corners. Let others have their freedom and consider simply riding out the storm.

Monday, March 30, 2009

lonely weekend.

friday was well would have been our one year anniversary. i wanted to ask him if we could hang out that day but he beat me to it.. asked if it would be cool if we hung out. said only if we could keep it about that day and not fight. well when the day came he sounded hesitant so i said prob not a good idea. he said well let me know if u change ur mind. i was so scared so i thought if we go to the movies that left little room to talk and would be less of a chance to fight.. but when i asked if he wanted to go to the movies he had already made plans. (he had called my from that whore bag of a friends phone) so im guessing he had plans with them. i was crushed. but didnt let it get to me. so later that night he texted me i love you. i replied ditto. and he accused me of being drunk.? wtf.. just told him hurts to keep saying it. like im being strung along. so he said he was sorry and he wouldnt say it anymore. sigh.. was long long long night.. had to work over time the next day. and also had to get ready to go to santa cruz! took bee and two friends. to the mystery spot. was cool but man do i need to make some cool single friends! bee of course took off with her friends so i was mostly by myself. usually im pretty ok with being alone.. but since this break up.. man i just miss him so much .. we would of had such a great time! .. :( but it sucked. i sat on the beach by myself.. tried reading my book but agh was so not into it.. i could see all the stupid lovey dovey couples walking around. anyways i survied. sunday was pretty non productive.. had so much i wanted to do.. but sleeping just felt so much better. i did however make bee her curtains.. look so cute!

Your horoscope for March 30, 2009 The key to being successful for you today, Janice, is to maintain an air of stability and grounding. If others see you as being too flighty and off the wall, they will be hesitant about putting their trust in you. Make sure you do things in your power that will help boost your clout. You will need this support from others later on. Creating a solid base from which to build on is key.

Friday, March 27, 2009

bees room

so yes we have tons of projects going on here at home. this house really sucks and im trying to make it more of a home.. so far i got carpet and already is 100xs better! so lots of cleaning up and throwing out junk. bees room has a theme now that we are working with.. we painted her dresser and last night i went and got fabric and paint for her room! its aqua green and brown.. looks good together. and poka dots!

one year ago today... .

we met in the middle of the night.. after talking to anthony since the december before. something id done a few times before.. i never knew that night would change my life.. so much has happend.. so much is about to happen. i dont know which way life going to go but i know not to worry about it.. just letting god guide me..

i committed to volunteer 100hrs today!i cant wait to hear from them and find out what new adventures i will embark on helping ppl on the way!

Your horoscope for March 27, 2009 Today is apt to be quite favorable for you, Janice, and you should keep the lines of communication open so that you can spread your knowledge out to others, and likewise receive the incredibly important information that is due to come your way. Your energy might come in erratic, yet powerful bursts at this time, and you should find that your overall ego and powerful emotions are quite strong.

Your lovescope for March 27, 2009 Sometimes it happens that as one door closes, another one opens. This could indeed be the scenario, with today's planetary alignment. Where a relationship or one chapter in a certain relationship may have ended, another new one may be about to begin. An event today brings you a great feeling of warmth and cheer, and opens your heart to the possibility of a better future.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


takes wayyyyy longer to build up then to drain out of my bank account! But feels good to not stress over bills!
my sister said that i get to baby sit nessa! and get PAID for it! man that would be soooooo good.. to have extra money coming in.. i really want my own place to live! of course getting to baby sit nessa is awesome too.. i LOVE that kid soooo much!

so i know what im addicted to.. men. i want one so bad. i feel so i dont know incomplete with out one. sounds horrible .. i dont even care which one it is sometimes.?! im a relationship junkie! thats what makes me stick around so long? and i learned why i pick broken men! cuz of my damn dad! my dad is so messed up in the head but i dont hate him.. i dont like him but i dont hate him.. agh man i so have to go to that counselor at work. man i just need someone to help me sort through all this crap! small group is great.. im learning a lot more about myself talking to these ladies whom if it wasnt for church id never have any kind of relationship with women like this. but they rock.

anthony.. oh dear anthony.. we are broken up yet im still on a rollercoaster ride with him.. actually not really.. i think now im mostly just watching him on the rollercoaster ride. im able to just watch now.. but i do hate seeing him like this. he has this rage that.. wow... just nuts.. i feel really bad for him. and i miss the good him.. but ohhh so glad we broke up and i dont have to be around the bad him!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

oh man oh man...

what a CRAZY day yesterday was! Bees dad called.. i felt such a sense of relief when i heard his voice. sooooo soooooooo glad hes alive. what a horrible feeling not knowing if he was dead of alive. i was so pissed i missed the call.. damn phone.. stupid texting. wish bee could of talked to him. i think they both need eachother. wish he knew how worried he made us all. but thank god hes alive. now everyone can sleep a little better. i hope he calls back soon.
and the biggest crazy news! my best friend.. who was straight when i first met her.. yesterday omfg... she got... married..... to a ...... chick! well became domestic partners.. but they are doing like a wedding thing on 090909!!!! ack! omg i was so blown away all day yesterday couldnt believe my eyes! but she really did it. man oh man!
last night bee and me painted her dresser.. came out great! its like a aqua green. i bought that dresser when she was like 3yrs old.. 10yrs ive been wanting to sand and paint that thing.. always waited for her dad to do it then i just lagged.. but finally got it done! and we are planning a trip to the mystery spot.! this weekend. didnt even think about doing something for spring break.. till all her friends were going places.. so now im already feeling bad that i wont have my man on this trip. :( so stupid. why do i have to feel that way.?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

damn these are good!

Your horoscope for March 24, 2009 Janice, it could be that you have recently been building up fanciful scenarios in your head regarding how you think things should be, either in a romantic situation, a business situation, or a family situation. More than likely, these images will come into conflict with reality as you discover that you need to take a much more grounded and analytical approach to what you have going.

ok so i guess we were texting back and forth yesterday. got a little deep at times. the jist of it is he still wants us to one day work. not that im opposed to it.. but realistically i dont think hes down to put in the work.. and even if he was.. i dont know that it would be enough for me. like honestly the man i want by my side for the rest of my life wouldnt do any of the things he does. well like the whole money and possesions thing.. i agree that i was bad with my money and shouldnt be so careless with it but he i guess like i at times was too had a double standard.. it was ok for him to spend endless amounts of money on his "hobbies" and i guess he didnt say much about me spending it on myself but would always have something to say if i ever spent money on others.. even on bee.. sorry but it thats what i want to do why shouldnt i? and he always had something to say about my family.. ok i did cater to them at times.. but they are my family and sometimes its ok.. and the whole respect thing.. i was so sad when it was lost. i was very contious of when it first happend the first time he cursed at me. agh he's not a bad guy.. but the respect thing is huge. the trust thing is huge! its not going to happen with out it. how the heck do u even work on that? man ok grounded i am. no more fluttering... sigh. i just wish this was easier. wish i knew exactly what was right to do.

Monday, March 23, 2009

week 2

well the house is on its way.. got carpet in my room and the livingroom.. alexis room is next. we got a really nice entertainment center for the livingroom too but i think they are trying to bring harveys tv here which means no need for the nice entertainment center.. agh anddddddd i got new matresses! so big i love them! :( but so wish anthony was next to me cuddled up sleeping. i might of messed up i agreed to go out with him on what would of been our 1yr anniversary. i had been thinking it too.. but now im not sure how good of an idea that is. i told him only if we can keep it about that day.. no old issues no fighting. and now hes texting asking questions. i have that feeling like i dont want him to know shit.. but thats just because of how i felt when he was fishing for info.. i know hes just asking.. i have to learn to figure out when to talk and when its none of anyone buisness! anyways theres no way getting back together is gonna happen right now. hes still nuts! and im still hurting.

Your horoscope for March 23, 2009 You're radiant today, Janice, and glowing with happiness! This is a refreshing change, after the gloom and doom of the past few weeks. Apparently, the decisions you made worked out for the best. Or, even better, perhaps you're in love? In any case, it will be even easier than usual for you to communicate with others and share your joy. Let the good times roll!

Friday, March 20, 2009

day five.. Friday!

so its friday i have a pocket full of cash and i want to go have fun! but i know i have to do it all responsibly.. no back tracking!

Your horoscope for March 20, 2009 It may be hard for you to maintain your self-discipline, Janice. Your child-like nature wants to come out and play. Emotionally, you are anxious to let loose and follow your most basic playful and instinctual nature, yet your sense of duty and responsibility is holding you back. This difficult internal tension may be the cause of irritation in many different areas of your life. Do your best to come to a place of balance and equilibrium.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

day four

he texted me a few times yesterday mostly mean things. i didnt text him back once. funny how in such a short time im able to already look back and see how much he fucked with my head. and is still trying to. i got a text a little bit ago from him our song. "listen up cuz i love you lady we go back like 1980. lord knows your the one to save me u love me cuz im so crazy.you'll see it'll be u and me allllwayys!!" god how i miss that side of him! but i cant let him get to me.

on the home front. i got some awesome carpet for the house yesterday! i think its enough for the living room my room and alexis' room! even got some for bees room but i think im going to buy her a cute rug instead. i wasnt able to get as much done yesterday i lost most my energy after picking up the carpet. but i did put a lot away. today i have church but i think my dad is gonna get more stuff done today so fingers crossed i will be able to get more done today!

Your horoscope for March 19, 2009 The past few weeks may have seemed like an earthquake, Janice. You may still be trembling slightly as you embark on the weeks ahead. Fortunately, the current astral configuration promises calmer, although not necessarily less intense energy. You will be able to apply decisions you recently made regarding your domestic life and settle important matters once and for all...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

day three

i miss lots of stuff about him, how he played with my hair, how good it felt to hug him how comfortable i was laying in his arms how safe it felt, how much i loved going everywhere with him holding his hands. his hands were my favorite part. they were perfect. so much that i miss. but theres a lot of stuff i am so happy to be away from too. i wonder how long it will take to forget him. to stop wanting him.. im getting excited to live a new drama free life! im excited to get the house looking nice again. excited to hang with friends. i hope loneliness stays away.

Your horoscope for March 18, 2009 This could be a highly productive day for you, if you approach it in the right way. You will find that you have an added burst of energy that could help you conquer just about any task you set your mind to, Janice. You may feel more aggressive than usual, so use this to your advantage by delegating tasks and moving forward on projects that you would like to see get accomplished at this time.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

day two

yesterday was ok i was in the office and pretty content. then after work i had small group. it was pretty intense. we had a question about fathers. pretty heavy stuff. then the shit hit the fan, He reminded me why breaking up is the best thing for ME! he cried about the cans, garbage bags and movies?!then called me petty? i didnt take shit from him.. then he sent me a pretty nasty text after i left. i cried so hard on the way home i couldnt even see past my glasses. got to my dads and sat in the van for a while crying my heart out begging god to take the pain away. i have a million and one horrible things to throw in his face and all i could do was text him back that i loved him and that he'd always have a spot in my heart. bye. we went back and forth a little him just going back and forth from sorry to hurtful. back in the office today. pretty great here. love the cafeteria! love seeing my friends here. tonight im going to the movies with nichole. she said something about a tattoo special tonight so we'll see. He texted me on his break said he missed me. i said me too. he said he wanted to hold me i replied it was going to take a long time for that feeling to go away for me. then just told him to have a good day. i love him no doubt. but i dont like all the hurtful things he is.

Your lovescope for March 17, 2009 The current aspect gives you the ability to laugh where you may have recently wanted to cry. Whatever the situation that tormented you, you will be able to see it in a new light after today. But then, you may also get some help from a person whom you know well, but have not considered in a romantic sense. They will help you see the light.

Monday, March 16, 2009

day one

in the office today. this weekend was so rough. i cried at the most random moments. i miss him so much. all i wanted was to see him so bad. i wanted to hug him. lay in bed with him and fall asleep for days. hold his big hands. but i didnt even get to hear his voice. texts were all i got. im so greatful for my family. i dont think i would of made it if it werent for them. god at one point i wanted to beg and plead! how pathetic. but now that im out of there feel just a little better. i dont have to sit there and hope he comes home. stupid stupid stupid hope.

Your horoscope for March 16, 2009 If by chance you have to speak in public these days, Janice, trust that people will enjoy listening. Words come to you effortlessly, and you exude confidence and willingly accept the compliments of others. Your energy level is high and you will be unstoppable. This is only fair, after all the work you have put in these last few months!

Sunday, March 15, 2009


oh so many things tell me to keep looking within myself for the answers to the whys.. i feel like im on the verge of something so so sooooo scary yet pretty exciting. like things will just become so clear and its all just the obvious. but im growing impatient. i dont want to go through this hurt to get the answers. i dont want the long road.

i want my man to always feel safe and secure. hmm obviously not finacially but that would be nice for a change. but just my big man to hold me when times are rough and to say it will be all right baby. to feel his big strong hands comforting me. i know i have to let go but he was almost my everything.. anyways im sleep deprived and probably not making much sense. good night. i love you anthony.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


i been moping around here for days. i know its going to be fine. i know its for the better. i just have this feeling of not understanding. which is pretty hilarious because thats what we talked about at celebrate on thursday. we want so bad to understand things when somethings we never going to understand. its just the way god wants it to be. so all this pain.. all this heartache is for a reason? why does it have to hurt so much.? what is in store for me next? any why are we so afraid of the unknown. im going to try to not let it get me down today. have a lot to do and need to just pick myself up and do it.

Your horoscope for March 14, 2009 The universe is inviting you magnify your vision, Janice. It's time to see the bigger, the better, the more advanced side of things. Remember that life is a mirror; you are highly unlikely to receive more than you hope for. So dream big, hope big, imagine yourself in the stars. Don't sell yourself short - it's a misuse of humility and modesty.

Monday, March 9, 2009

sissy bitch

i feel like such a sissy little bitch.. crying all weekend.. boo hoo my poor feelings are hurt. god knock it off.. i hate all this feelings crap. and talking about them.. yeah that don't help! just leaves me feeling more vulnerable and i cry some fucking more!! i feel like i hate the world right now. i hate everyone who has a loving man. hate everyone who is having sex! i hate myself for wanting attention. for wanting to feel desired. i hate myself for wanting to feel that connection that comes with the intimacy of our bodies connecting. today i hate. of course i will be "just fine" but really i just fucking HATE!

Your horoscope for March 9, 2009 Unsettling news from far away could have you feeling somewhat upset and a little depressed. The temptation to withdraw into yourself and brood might seem too strong to resist, but this may not be the best course of action. Getting things done is likely to be the best therapy in emotional situations like this, Janice, so if there is a new project you've been considering taking on, this is the day to do it.

Friday, March 6, 2009


did laundry.. felt good outside. cookie laid around around outside in the sun. had tacos from the taco truck at lunch and seen they keep the bottle caps.! so i asked what they did with them and they said they just throw them away so i asked if i could have them. and he said yes! so i got a crafty itch! been digging in my pics to see what i can cut up and put in the caps. got a few started. after work i touched up my hair bleached the roots of my streak. went to walmart with Anthony to go get his niece a bday present. got her this cute little cheerleader doll that sings in English and Spanish! to cute. i like his cousins.. Richard and Dora Marie. especially Richard.. hes very talkative and made me feel welcome and part of the fam. we left cuz i had church. on the way home we were talking about his brothers kids and his cousin Joe how they always used to be over his (and her) apt. i think he really misses that. i don't know why he stopped but can help but feel its my fault.. i know better of course but still. then he started to cry and said he wanted to hang out with her kid for his bday. i know he didn't mean to hurt me but the way ive been feeling lately i just wanted to disappear. ive been asking him what he wants to do and he cant think of anything. i know im wrong but i keep thinking he cant think of anything to do with me. then im so fucking jealous of all the stupid bitches(i dont mean bitches really im sure they are nice chicks)at his work cuz they get to have the happy Anthony all fucking day. seems like any time hes happy is when hes there or talking about them. i know im prob just more focused on it cuz im feeling very neglected but common. so they are making a big deal for his bday today. and thats fine im glad for him.. i know how great that feels but only makes me more jealous. like i cant even compete with them agh or her kid. well i guess thats how i make him feel sometimes too. so what is it? why are we so disconnected? why do i feel so far away from him? i guess i dont make him feel very wanted sometimes too. omg i just dont want to get hurt. hes very hurtful. says very mean things. or says things that just come out sounding very mean. hes very sensitive to his feelings.. VERY sensitive.. but when it comes to the feelings of others hes not so sensitive. thinks that just because hes being "honest" and up front he can bulldozer around leveling ppl. because he so smart. he knows how everything should "be". what ppl are feeling and how they need to act. he does have alot of things to say but his delivery is where i just stop listening. hes very overwhelming almost controling. to much to take in large EVERYDAY doses. fuck especially first thing in the morning. god nothing worse then being scolded even before u get to step out of bed. i love him very much but all the songs fucking lie.. love is not all u need.

i was weary about going to church last night. because of how down ive been feeling. but im glad i did. i didnt get to share but thats ok i just listened and thats something im really trying hard to do. listen and learn. i realllly really love the music! that road to recovery song is just awesome! think it also has to do with how riled up everyone gets! so great. anyways im glad i went.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


Your lovescope for March 5, 2009 The position of the planets brings with it the opportunity to show someone that you are quite a high-class deal. If you have a choice of social events this evening, then you may like to choose the one that brings you into association with those whom you hold in the highest esteem. Someone in particular will stand out, and will be equally impressed by all you have to offer.

fuck me

love me
unattended wails
wont u hear me?
worlds never ending
other lifes wonderment
what if's
if only
fuck you
fuck me
im here
unattended wails!

a new day

do not beg for it! and dont take it personally.

Your horoscope for March 5, 2009 This is a great day for you to strut your stuff, Janice. You are on top of the world, so enjoy yourself, your family, and the people around you. You are right on top of the action and you don't miss a beat, regardless of the conversation that is buzzing around you. You are able to whip out facts, dates, and people's birthdays at the drop of a hat. Don't let anyone bring you down or talk you out of the good mood you are in

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Happy Humpday!

or at least happy wednessday.. :(

Your horoscope for March 4, 2009 You may find yourself in intense arguments that explode into verbal wars that you are not happy about, Janice. Your nature is expansive and generous, but you find that if this good nature is taken advantage of, your mood quickly turns to anger and detachment. Conflict is often a natural part of a relationship. Use it as a learning experience instead of blowing it out of proportion and turning it into a larger issue than it needs to be.

was talking about forgivness to alissa yesterday.. talking bout our dads.. she told her step mom that as for as she was concerned she didnt have a father... wow...through everything i still dont think i could ever say that. but i had been thinking about forgiving my dad and just letting go of everything.. i feel stunted.. like i cant keep growing if i dont let go of all the crap from growing up.. and even after i left home. but i guess all that is easier said then done. i do wish it was better between us though.. sometimes i do miss him.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

dont run?

Your horoscope for March 3, 2009 When faced with an emotionally intense situation, you are likely to flee, Janice. You would rather skirt the issue and quickly change the subject to something much more lighthearted and palatable. Keep in mind that this form of escapism is going to do nothing to solve the problem that is crying out for attention. In fact, by avoiding the emotional topic and moving into your own fantasyland, you are only creating more friction than if you just approached the problem head-on.

creepy how dead on these things are some days. ok fuk stop running already? and do what? talk to him? face the problems how?!!!!!! we cant talk. i mean we can.. and it feels ok for the moment but then just goes right back to usual?! i am trying my fucking hardest. but it unreasonable what he wants from me? to put him first in EVERY single aspect of my life? no im sorry but i cant. different situations require me to prioritize. hes my number one guy.. my number one love. just like bee is my number one kid. just like my sister is my number one sister. theres no way i can treat them all the same.. when they all mean different things to me. he hates my relationship with alissa.. because she is my best friend. she allows me to be me. holds nothing against me. tells me when and how ive hurt her.. allows me to apologize then move on. he gives me absolutly no room to be human.. to be flawed. he lives in such an absolute world. if ive lied once or 10times he says EVERYTHING ive ever said is a lie? no thats not right. yes i know how bad it is to lie and im doing really good.. with it. but ive only lied out of fear. that he wont get me that he will just think bad of me.. that he will have more to throw in my face. like last night when he was asking about small group. i didnt want to tell him.. for fear of him doing what he usually does.. puts it down. i guess what we all do.. put down what we dont know.. or wish we had.. out of fear?.. agh i want to tell him everything.. i want to share everything with him. but i cant. he keeps telling me to tell him things then i do and he laughs or puts it down or holds it against me?. im sure i prob do it too but god im trying.. im not always strong to his actions. his words. especially when they are true. god im just kidding myself. I CANT CHANGE HIM!!!! i want something hes not able to give me right now.. maybe never. the good i seen in him is all hes able to give right now. and its not enough for me. and i guess its not fair to him to expect what he cant give.. i cant wait around and HOPE while getting hurt all the time. but how the fuck do i stop loving him? how do i loose this hope? how do i walk away from this not thinking im not good enough? that i wasnt enough AGAIN for someone to love me enough to fight for me with every bit that i fight for them.? its so hard when i can see it.. i can feel it.. we were so fucking close. i got to touch my dream. we could of made eachother so happy. now everything just seems to be spinning out of control.. all i can do is just hide. "IM THE ONLY ONE IN IT". hurt more then a fist to the face!

Monday, March 2, 2009

stupid babies

its so sad to hear him talk. i want a baby sooooo bad. i know right now is not a good time. i know that our relationship is not even close to be strong enough to even think about being parents.. but that does not make me want a baby any less. i love him so much and he would be so good to a baby.. just his thinking is so bad. i know i cant change him and i know the risks of investing all this time with him.. but i just cant stop loving him .. i think about the good in him and that just gives me this stupid hope.. like i can see past his thick layer of bad.. if only he could let go of all that hate for the world.. his hate for life. god hes missing out on so much good.. so much warmth.. so much love around him.


service was great this week! i wish so bad that he was there with me. better together. i love going.. makes me want to just be the best person i can be! gives me hope when i feel its all gone.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

a sense of identity

dont loose yourself.. have a sense of identity... be more you for you.. and not you for everyone else.

think before you speak. pick your moments. speak your mind.

Your horoscope for February 25, 2009 Here you go again, philosophizing about what personal expression, creation and authenticity is all about. Have you noticed that you have some problems expressing issues that don't fall into the "norm", Janice? Your strong will and desire to be appreciated gets in your way a bit. It isn't easy to express yourself authentically when you're trying hard to make an impression on others.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

god is good

yesterday was wonderful! what a beautiful day! wish i had my camera! id forgoten how beautiful my surroundings are sometimes! small group was great.. good food.. great ppl. and great growth!
today is a little different then yesterday. internet was down. tech had to come fix it. and of course no more cable tv.. sigh. and my short lived love filled guy has left the building.. it was soooooooo great while it lasted. i was in it. he was in it. but im learning things are just out of my hands and i have to let it be.. what ever the outcome maybe i know im doing my best. all in all.. im ok. think i will go for a walk its so pretty outside!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday.. :)

been a pretty good weekend.. and today is just dandy.! i dont know what tomorrow will bring but today.. im glad today is today!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

if only

we had magic powers.. i make us speak the same language. id make us be able to understand eachother. whyyyyy... can it feel so perfect and so frustrating at the same time? why can one moment feel like the end of the world and the next a beautiful new start? shouldnt life be getting a little bit easier as we go? i guess not if we are not learning what we are supposed to from our mistakes.. well im really trying to be the best flawed person i can be.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Your horoscope for February 17, 2009
You have a wonderful combination of optimism and spirituality, Janice. Of course you believe in miracles, as well as angels, Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. We support your attitude wholeheartedly! Today something may happen that only further solidifies your beliefs. Perhaps you are saved from stepping out in front of a bus by the whisperings of your guardian angel. Or you may receive a telepathic message that stops you from making a bad career mistake

i survived

a weekend i was sure i would just die from. all the pain, doubts, fears, love and hate are still there. But im alive!..which only means this isnt the end of my world. what i learned is that when in pain isolation is prob the worst thing to do.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

my insanity

is growing. I'm so restless but i cant seem to get the fuck out of here! i keep fantasizing about all these reconcilement scenarios... or of these eye opening declarations.. of..my biggest fear! infidelity?!. the unknown. oh god why is it so scary. i want to just hate him and move on. no i want to love him and move on. fuck. alone with my insanity.

it stopped

my heart. i think it stopped this morning. i feel like a hollow shell. just moving by brain comands. i cant even cry about it. i just feel dead. he is single and free!!!!!?? last logged on was the first? thought we were still together then? im so confused. i never thought something like this would happen to me. this is a heart ache like no other that ive ever felt. maybe im makeing to much of this? maybe im not makeing enough of it? love coupons? god i have so many questions and not sure i want the answers. i wish, i pray this will come to a conclusion as soon as possible. god help me.

Friday, February 13, 2009

how am i?


good byes?

from Anthony
just gotta say thank u baby. dnt settle. go 4 what u want! Its reachable! U deserve so much now just go get it! Im so sry im not the 1. i really wanted 2b. I thought u were it. But u have taught me so much. i hope 2b more like u. i love u so much. so sad 2 let this go but Happy 2 knw ur on ur way 2 a better live. i know ur going 2b happy.thank u 4 loving me like NO other has! U opend my eyes. i love u.

to Anthony:
Thanks but all that did was hurt. please stop. i dont want to hear about "US" talked enough. this is what u want. not me. but im powerless over this so please no more talk.

from anthony. well then thank u 4 letting me make my mistake.

i keep wanting to just.. i dont know.. scream. die? runaway. oh god. my heart. hurts.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

oh my heart.

feels like its beeing ripped out of my chest. god i need to find some strength! i want to crawl into bed pull the covers over and wait out the storm. dont want to hear from or see anyone on sat. this hurts soooo bad.

be responsible!

dont let the money burn a hole in your pockets!!!!!!!! gonna take a big old chunk of money to move out. be smart and dont spend! get in as much OT as they offer!

Your horoscope for February 12, 2009 Take care not to try and do everything all at once today, Janice. Your social life is heating up and you may find yourself in a frenzy of preparation for all of the invitations you've been receiving. All this, on top of your regular workload, could send you into a tailspin. Pace yourself, and be sure to get your work done first before you allow your thoughts to turn to planning your social life. Just think, if you're unemployed, you'll be unable to continue having fun going out!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

find strength

so i have faith. but i need more. i need things to occupy my time. i need to do more. i need positive ways to keep my mind busy!
1. bee. invest more time in her!
2. sewing makes me happy!
3. school<-- is always a benefit!
4. friends- keep them close
5. books.
6. keep learning.
7. explore more!


i told him that the hot and cold up and downs make me very unhappy. told him that im just gonna let go. if im not the girl for him then im not. hard to not take it personally but i have to just accept it and go. he was not going to budge on bettering himself. i want better all the way around and well not healthy for me to be around him. so C'est la Vie! not scared at all.. sad.. very sad yes. my wish.. that most likely not come true is that he would get off his ass and step up. :( if only wishes came true. but this is prob for the best.

Your horoscope for February 11, 2009 A temporary separation from a romantic partner might have you feeling in the depths of despair today, Janice. You might find your imagination conjuring up all sorts of dreadful scenarios, such as your beloved finding someone else. Don't do this to yourself. Your friend probably misses you just as much. Keep yourself busy so that the days pass quickly until your friend comes back and you're together again. Be patient!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.


A young and successful
executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,
going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was
watching for kids darting out from between parked
cars and slowed down when he thought he saw
something. As his car passed, no children appeared.
Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!
He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to
the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry
driver then jumped out of the
car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up
against the parked car shouting,
'What was that all about and who are you? Just what
the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that
brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why
did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic.
'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't
know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the
brick because no one else would stop...' With tears
dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth
pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my
brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell
out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him
up.'Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help
me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and
he's too heavy for me.'Moved beyond words,
the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling
lump in his throat.. He hurriedly lifted the
handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took
out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh
scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything
was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless
you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too
shook up for words, the man simply watch ed the boy!
push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk
toward their home. It was a long, slow
walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very
noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair
the dented side door. He kept the dent there to
remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life
so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to
get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and
speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have
time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's
our choice to listen or not.

God didn't promise
days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun
without rain, but He did promise strength for the
day, comfort for the tears, and light for the

If God brings you to
it, He will bring you through

my bff

i miss my friend. but now that the bar scene is outta the picture i dont want to just go and sit there and drink. and shes all inna broke funk so i dont to see her like that. i know it sounds bad but i kinda just wanna wait till shes back on her feet and not so down. its just so contagious to be around down ppl. and im already down myself most of the time..would just add to it. but i do miss my friend.

Your horoscope for February 10, 2009 A rather spacey friend or acquaintance from far away could ring you up today, Janice, perhaps proposing a visit. This might not be too convenient right now, and thus could put you into a quandary as to whether or not to go for it. Your decision, of course, eventually gets down to how much you care for this person and how badly you want to see them again. Think about it carefully before saying yea or nay.

Monday, February 9, 2009

V-day countdown!

we still havnt made plans yet.. but keep talking about going away for the weekend.. it will be so great to get away for a few days! butttt also wish we could go to musink withouttttt fighting. man i swear i wish he could read minds.. so he could see how wrong he is. god just thinking about it infuriates me!!!! agh but well nothing i can do except for walk around with a blindfold... sigh.. i hope this can change soon. so much fun for us to have!

Your horoscope for February 9, 2009 Are you contemplating taking a trip, Janice, perhaps to a place you've always dreamed of visiting? Take your pick - Mexico, Peru, Australia, Thailand, Europe. If you're in doubt as to whether or not you'll be able to do it, sit down, work out your budget, and you might be surprised. Invite a friend or romantic partner to accompany you. Such a trip could boost your personal growth like nothing you've ever tried before. Think about it!

Friday, February 6, 2009

lighter days

can still be felt even through the crap. its very hard not to get sucked into his fears and anger. im learning to maintain my patience and trying to work threw this.
i was sad and angry by bees mess up. going to take a lot of work with her too. even though not so great stuff happend.. it was such a great day.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

some days

are easier then others.. some of his comments are easier to dodge then others.. but sometimessssss..... i want to fucking scream! sometimes.. i just dont want to take the higher road.. sometimes i want to just fight back! fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk. NOTHING is going to stop me from bettering myself. His hang ups are his! He needs to take responsibility for his fears and actions. I'm trying to take care of mine.!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

can i get off this fucking ride already?!

Your horoscope for February 3, 2009 A romantic relationship, whether new or long-term, could be advanced today to the next level of commitment, Janice. The chemistry between the two of you is very strong, and you're compatible on more than one level. And today you'll experience passion like never before! Some intense but honest and very positive discussion about the future of the relationship is likely to take place today - followed by an intimate encounter.

Monday, February 2, 2009

I have to do better

for my self. why keep beating the unwilling.? i have been keeping at it for the sake of love. i keep thinking hes going to see what i see. i keep my heart open for him i keep my will for us strong. but what if its all for nothing? i know this is a chance i took and it seems so worth it. i felt the warmth of his love i peered into the future of us. and now its burried so deep in issues.. i cant help but to feel like a looser having lost it. but somewhere i know its not just my fault. im hurting so much right now. his words sting worse then ever. its so hard to keep my cool. its so hard to not hurt him back. its so hard to keep trying. so hard to see past all his pain. so hard to see the anthony im fighting for. i have to make sure not to loose myself before all of this is done. what ever the outcome is.. i have to stay true to myself. no more of this passive agressive shit.. i have to let my feelings be known even if it means conflict.

my heart

hurts sooooo much... i cant handle much more. hes crushing me. hes going to do everything he can to just finish off my heart. i told his mom i would be strong for him but i dont know what im going to do. everything he says hurts me so much everything he does just kills me. how do i stay so strong for someone who does not want me around? god he hates me. i hate crying. but i cant stop. all these thoughts keep popping into my head. i want them gone. i want him back. what happened. why cant i just have love? all i want to do is love him.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

getting things done

another somewhat productive night. tonight is recovery group. i HAVE to go.

Your horoscope for January 29, 2009
Get yourself grounded today, Janice. Lay a solid foundation for the future. This is a very critical time in which you must think realistically about your future success. Realize that you must incorporate an element of restriction in your life before your dreams can be actualized. Today is one of those days in which you can fuse together a powerful combination of fantasy and reality in order to build success.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

last night

was pretty.. emotional buffet-ish!. sooooo much going on with both of us. both dealing with things in our own ways.. mostly getting it wrong.. the out come will always be unknown.. but sometimes leans to the lighterside of life..walls down, fingers crossed, hearts exposed.

Your lovescope for January 28, 2009
Don't waste a minute hanging onto regrets, as they will only weigh you down unnecessarily. The planetary constellation encourages you to let go of anything that is holding you back, and to take a positive step forward. You will attract a far better relationship if you can leave old emotional baggage out of the picture and focus instead on what you do want.

show me what im looking for

wait, i'm wrong should've done better than this please, i'll be strong i'm finding it hard to resist so show me what i'm looking for save me, i'm lost oh lord i've been waiting for you i'll pay any cost save me from being confused show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for oh lord don't let go i've wanted this far too long mistakes become regrets i've learned to love abuse please show me what i'm looking for save me, im lost oh lord i've been waiting for you i'll pay any cost save me from being confused show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for oh lord show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for save me, im lost oh lord i've been waiting for you i'll pay any cost to save me from being confused wait, i'm wrong i can't do better than this i'll pay any cost save me from being confused show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for oh lord

-carolina liar.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

because i laughed

that's what triggered him? but he was going off before i laughed? i laughed in part yes to make him mad (my bad for resorting to such childish behavior but I'm at a loss with him) but also because i was outraged.. stunned.. i couldn't believe that's what he was mad about. me and bee shower to long? had he never had to pay a bill? does he not know about bills? the water was only 30bucks.?

OK he says i put all off on him and that makes him angry. OK how do i take on my part? what do i need to say? do? i shouldn't of laughed.. yes i know. it was a bad reaction. what now? he keeps saying these things these reasons why i should just go but they are his reasons not mine. says that's how i make him feel. is that how I'm coming off? or is it his perception? is his perception skewed? or am i really that bad to him?

money. i cant just let it go. i think its not fair. but its a very touchy subject. i dont know what takes precedence right now. but it angers me so much that i got fucked over.


i need help.! how can i turn my back on someone i love?? i dont even know if i can help him.. but i cant stand the thought of not trying.

damn him

damn me. i miss him so much. just stupid little things. i just want to rip my fucking heart out. i don't want to feel. if yesterday is really him i don't want to be around him. keep me strong. i deserve something better.


crazy dreams! i love sleep! better i love my crazy dreams! i wish i hadnt woken up! i remember some of it but as soon as i wanted to remember the rest it was gone.. but man was it crazy! car chases tattoos hawaii! crazy crazy crazy!

Your horoscope for January 27, 2009
Being married to someone for fifty years takes work, Janice, and no one said it was going to be easy. Hollywood seems to be the one exception to the rule. These people promote a fantasyland that makes our own lives look pathetic, drab and boring. Realize that your life can be just as good and interesting, if not better. Today is a good day to prepare for future growth.
:( dunno bout all that.. future right now well at least the future of my love looks bleak. :(

Monday, January 26, 2009


fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anger Vs. Rage


angry fury; violent anger.
a fit of violent anger.
fury or violence of wind, waves, fire, disease, etc.
violence of feeling, desire, or appetite: the rage of thirst.
a violent desire or passion.
ardor; fervor; enthusiasm: poetic rage.
the object of widespread enthusiasm, as for being popular or fashionable: Raccoon coats were the rage on campus.
insanity. –verb (used without object)
to act or speak with fury; show or feel violent anger; fulminate.
to move, rush, dash, or surge furiously.
to proceed, continue, or prevail with great violence: The battle raged ten days.
(of feelings, opinions, etc.) to hold sway with unabated violence.

im beyond angry. i have so much horrible in me right now. so much evil right under the surface its not going to take much to get me to burst. best thing for me to do is stay away.. we cant both be destructive. its over fine. wants to be petty like that fine. its over because of the "water bill" FINE! why the fuck am i tormenting me self? trying not to give up on him.. trying to be strong enough for him.. fuck it.. i need to be strong enough for myself! hes right he is a pleague, and i need to get out before i become just like him. i love him but i have to love myself more. sooo fucking funny its over again just before what would have been our anniversary! fuck him fuck all of this shit!


church... was pretty great..ran into my tia mary! tonight is small group. i really want to go.

Your horoscope for January 26, 2009
Feel free to be quick to point out when an injustice has been made, Janice. If someone says something that is offensive or untrue, do not sit back and let it slide. By doing so, you are just as much at fault as the person who offended in the first place. When you know you are right, say so. It is important that others listen to and respect you. Your honest nature and good sense of morals are extremely important qualities, and should be recognized accordingly

Saturday, January 24, 2009

power of love..

sounds as corny as it can get but i had an overwhelming feeling of it last night. im not sure exactly how it came about but i think what triggered it was when he said hey we did it on those couches.. something about it.. like almost felt like remember all that first fresh love...? then we were just us again. i wasnt mad and he was nice and tender. then we came home and it just felt great i wanted to hold him and not let go. he said something dont remember what but had it been anyother day i would have been infuriated.. but i didnt even flinch i just wanted to love him regardless. it felt really good. i wish i could find that feeling when things get rough... it softens me. keeps me nice and tame. allows me patience.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

to much fucking work

no amount of love is worth all this turmoil! i used to think as long as we love each other all the other shit will just fall into place! i was good to him i was faithful... nothing changed it only gets worse and worse. now im just mean and hateful just like him. love.. fuck love.. love shouldn't be like this. at this point im ready to go. just have to get my ducks in order and not let him lead me away from my goal. don't spend money that u don't have to! no fast food. no $40 trips to the movies! no more pot! fuck this shit! agh all this being said god if only a miracle would change him id take it all back for a chance to just love him.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

my happiness

depends on me and me only. i cant fix anyone and no one can fix me. cant force happiness.. just hope it happens. im a great person and deserve the best. dont become what you hate. dont stoop down to unhappy ppls level. love life. let go of hate. :)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

For gods sake hold your tongue

it took enormous amouts of strength to keep the hate from spewing out this would be wonderful morning.. i wanted to be up early to get my day started. i wanted to get stuff done. i wanted to get chores done meals planned laundry washed just get things done. of course if ideas are not run by him first then anything out of the "normal routine" is some kind of deception. one thing is to shit on me.. but to bring my daughter into it is soooo far over the line. i know ive been direspectful to him when heated.. but i use empty words. theres things i can say that i know would hurt.. things i know would match the shit he calls me.. and i dont use them, i wouldnt.. it would be too fucked up and hurtful things that can never be taken back things that are unexcusable. just like the things he says to me. hes getting worse. if i put up with this now he will just keep pushing. most of the time i can forgive his words but i will never forget them. what he said this morning is unforgivable. if there is one thing you never fuck with is a mothers child. i will not resort to use hate. Hate is a reaction to Fear. Hurting is a reaction to Pain.

The following are common traits hurt people display in their interactions with others.
I. Hurt people often transfer their inner anger onto their family and close friends

* • Often those around them become the recipients of harsh tones and fits of rage because they have unknowingly become the vicarious recipients of transferred rage.

II. Hurt people interpret every word spoken to them through the prism of their pain

* • Because of their pain, ordinary words are often misinterpreted to mean something negative towards them. * • Because of this, they are extremely sensitive and act out of pain instead of reality.

III. Hurt people interpret every action through the prism of their pain

* • Their emotional pain causes them to suspect wrong motives or evil intent behind other people’s actions towards them.

IV. Hurt people often portray themselves as victims and carry a “victim spirit”

* • Often hurt people can cry “racism,” “sexism,” “homophobia,” or often use the words “unjust” or “unfair” to describe the way they are being treated, even if there is no truth to this. (That is not to say that sometimes there really is racism or sexism in some instances; this is just used as an example.)

* • Hurt people have a hard time entering into a trusting relationship.

* • Hurt people often carry around a suspicious spirit.

V. Hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them

* • They often continually hurt the ones they love and need the most with their self-destructive behavior.

VI. Hurt people have the emotional maturity of the age they received their (un-dealt with) hurt

* • For example, if a girl was raped by a man when she was 12 years old, unless she forgives that man and allows Christ to heal her heart and allay her fears, in that particular area of her life (sexuality with a man) her emotional growth will stop; even when she reaches her later years she may still have the emotional maturity of a 12 year-old.

VII. Hurt people are often frustrated and depressed because past pain continually spills over into their present consciousness

* • In many instances, they may not even be aware of why they are continually frustrated or depressed because they have coped with pain by compartmentalizing it or layering it over with other things over time.

VIII. Hurt people often erupt with inappropriate emotion because particular words, actions, or circumstances “touch” and “trigger” past woundedness

* • I have been in situations with people in which there was a gross overreaction to a word I spoke or an action that was taken. Although I was shocked and thought this reaction came “out of left field” it was really the person responding to an accumulation of years of hurt and pain that could not help but spill over in various situations.

* • I myself have been in situations where I felt hurt, troubled, or overreacted to something because it touched a nerve with what I was still dealing with because of a wound I received in the past. In these situations I have attempted to reason through the situation as objectively as I can with much prayer and introspection so I would not say or do anything damaging to another person or myself.

IX. Hurt people often occupy themselves with busyness, work, performance, and/or accomplishments as a way of compensating for low self-esteem

X. Hurt people often attempt to medicate themselves with excessive entertainment, drugs, alcohol, pornography, sexual relationships, or hobbies as a way to forget their pain and run from reality

XI. Hurt people have learned to accommodate their private “false self” or “dark side” which causes them to be duplicitous and lack integrity

* • Often their private life is different from their public life, which causes hypocrisy and compounds feelings of guilt, condemnation, and depression.

XII. Hurt people are often self-absorbed with their own pain and are unaware that they are hurting other people

* • They are often insensitive to other people because their emotional pain limits their capacity for empathy and their capacity for self-awareness.

* • I have been in numerous situations when someone hurt me and kept on going in the relationship without ever apologizing because they had no clue what they were doing.

XIV. God often purposely surfaces pain so hurt people can face reality
* • Whether it is because of a marriage problem, or continual personal conflicts on the job, God often allows conflict and spillover because he wants the infection to stop spreading and the person to be healed.

* • I have noticed that these periods of surfacing woundedness often take place when people transition into the mid-life years of their upper thirties and later. Perhaps this is because by then they are old enough to understand by experience that there is something wrong and also that it is not too late to redeem their pain and restore relationships and maximize their purpose. Rarely is a person able or even willing to deal with and face pain when they hit their senior years (in their sixties or older). Most at this age have already become cynical, hard-hearted, and/or become so depressed they have become hopeless even though God is able to help them at any age.

XV. Hurt people need to forgive to be released and restored to freedom
* • The Gospel of St. John 20:23 says that we have to release the sins of others if we are going to be released. This means that if we do not forgive others then the very thing we have become victimized with will become a part of our life. For example, alcoholic fathers breed alcoholic sons if their sons do not forgive and release their fathers.

* • The good news is that, through the efficacious blood of Christ, we can all be healed and set free from all past hurts so we can comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4).
Truly our mess can become our message!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

tra la la my day :)

man.. i tra la la my day huh... boy if he only knew the torment my days can be if i let them... fuk sorry i don't cry about EVERY SINGLE thing 90% of the fucking time..... ok i might be exaggerating but it sure fucking feels like it! he wants to be honest and he dont want keep nothing in.. thats his bad to dwell on it... and yeah my fault for not telling him my "fucking feelings " alllllll the fucking time... but not so easy to let someone so destructive, in! laugh all you want... i know you. i was you. manipulative and so full of fear.. you think being cold and rude helps you gaurd your feelings your self.. but u only hate yourself more. ... i know what your questions mean i know what your looks mean i know what your anger means i know why its so easy for you to hate.. i know why its so easy for you to direct your hate towards me... i could so easily match you.. i could so easily truely hurt.. but thats not me any more.. thats not my goal.. all i want to fucking do is freely love. i dont want to hurt or cheat or destruct.. all i want to do is fucking love....

trust. i trust hes not fucking anyone. i trust that if im not giving him a reason to fuck around then he wont fuck around.
trust. with out it... not gonna work
understanding. im trying. god knows im trying.
the home. we both work we both have to eaqually pitch in.! whats in the home while we are together is "ours". both share equal responsibily for the house and everything in it.!
possesions: we both bring things to the table.> anything we individually bring become ours unless there is a break-up. we leave with what we came in with. if anything was bought together with BOTH our monies.. it belongs to both and needs to be settled upon.
monies. we both work we both pitch in with common expenses but also both are allowed to have our OWN money. allowed to buy what ever we need what ever we WANT to so long as the "house needs" are being met. must not dwell on the petty shit!
family. means everything to me. issues and all. i opened my family to him.. but not to be criticized! im learning to not let them get me down. im learning i cant try to make them all happy at my ex pence.
family. something went down in his. something I'm scared to find out. makes me feel hopeless for him.. i wish they were better together
friends. i dont really have true friends anymore except for Alissa. i wish i was a better friend. i wish i wasn't so selfish.
friends. i don't know about him.
social life. im ok not partying all the time. having guy friends mean nothing to me. only one that was worth keeping around ive pretty much said good bye too..but i wish i could hang out with alissa more. i don't so i wont cause drama between him and i(distance keeps me away too though) or even to be able to go out with my sister shopping to the movies what ever with out getting grilled/accused about everything. feel like i have to come home and report to my dad. a girls night would be so great every once inna while. i wish we could have ppl over more often. his friends n family, my friends family, what ever just be more social. i wish we could of joined the bowling team like we had talked about. or just go out and do more together. i wish we could of gone to school together.
social life. seems like theres to much risk for him. ? i dont know.
respect. there is VERY little left. we crossed the line long time ago. we cuss.. we are very disrespectful to each other.
definitions. words have very different meanings to us. actions have very different meanings to us. especially since we are both up in arms.
my daughter. ive done so much wrong with her and im truly trying to change it. consistency is hard. but im trying. bee is all mine and will always be my first priority. pushing the issues with me is being counter active. i would never expect him to "support" her in any kind of way. but if roles were turned around i would do for his kid as if he were my own.
his son. makes me so sad and scared. its sooo beyond anything i can ever do. i feel VERY powerless. i wish she could just grow up. theres things i dont understand things i dont even dare to ask. this is his and only his decision. all i can do is try to be more supportive.
communication. used to be much better. we wanted to make things work and we cooperated..


was good... felt like when we first started going out.. he couldnt wait to see me.. and i wanted to see him too.. but then i felt on the edge.. i guess just like he explained how he felt good but felt like he was holding a door closed.. and if a pebble stumbled him the door would open and everything would come flooding out.. god how does someone live like that? i know exactly how he feels though and i dont want to put it all off on him but my worries are nothing... they are things id rather just move on from.. am i trying to stay in the dark because id doubt hes really done anything horrible or do i stay in the dark cuz i dont want to have to act on the truth of what hes done? i have to believe he hasnt done anything horrible. if i believe otherwise i will drive myself nuts before its definately over. i dont think i would ever put up with him cheating. fuk that life is way to short to waste more time on someone who could do that to me.

money is going to become an issue.. just because i make more of it does not mean i should carry the bigger load. i dont want to be a tight ass with money but shit i want to get out of debt too.. i want to be able to buy the stuff that i want too.. we both need to get on the same page cuz theres no way this is going to be fair.

Friday, January 9, 2009

so excited!

my red rose and skull purse is getting great reviews!!!! im so excited all i want to do is sew!!! this has me so pumped up! this makes me very happy!

Sun Sign: Gemini
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Your horoscope for January 9, 2009
You are at a creative high point right now, so make sure to nurture this side of your being, Janice. It could be, however, that you are in danger of running into a stumbling block. Try not to get discouraged. Instead, it may be best for you to reflect on what you have done in the past. Enjoy emotional stability today instead of letting your emotions jump around from one thing to the next.