Thursday, December 30, 2010
So much happened in 2010. a lot of great stuff. and a lot of horrible stuff. Glad to say i made it through all of it in one piece...(mostly).Im always learning. mistake after mistake i try and remember the lesson. im hanging out with Anthony again. Scared crapless but it just feels soo good. i feel like me around him. just me. i dont get to feel that very often. this year my toughest challenge was being a mom. so many times i wished i could just quit. or take a longgg vacation from being mom. but then again i dont even know who i would be if i wasnt mom, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, gf. for the coming year i want to find a little more of me. what makes me happy. i want to have a healthy relationship with all around me. mostly my teen. i reallllly hope she grows out of this rocky phase asap. 2011....cant wait to meet you. :)
Monday, November 15, 2010
So i had my first semi stay at home all weekend.. in months and months. was good too just stay home.. didnt feel tired and inna rush.. i just vegged.. but come sunday night i started to get a little antsy.. sooo i brought back my old puff n paint..
Sunday, November 14, 2010
ive been sitting here for hrs doing tons of nothing. 10yrs of nothing. all i wanted was a cup of normal hot coffee. i get sucked in to nothing, cant remember where i was going. scars that show where ive been. can i get a cup of normal. hot coffee?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
so im 31yrs old. when i was 12ish i thought 31 was super old.. grown up age. fuck i was so wrong. im scared to death that im never going to get it. never going to figure out my money. never going to figure out this being a mother thing. never going to figure out this whole relationships thing. but you know what scares me the fuking most.. this whole boys thing. i dont get it. millions of couples out there. i just dont fucking get it. agh brain is mush. mas manana..
Monday, March 1, 2010
So last year i lost the love of my life and my best friend.(they didnt die just not a part of my life anymore)I vowed to be a better me but all i did was just get stuck. I feel like all im doing is just flowing. not growing not progressing .. im just letting time drag me along. for a while i was so focused on just having fun.. and ive def had fun but i think im pretty over it. im burning out. im not enjoying it as much as i used to. i want to focus on bettering my life. paying more attention to Bee and moving out and upward with life. idealy id like to have my man by my side but ive learned i cant force that.. just wait for it to happen. so my thought today is to get on the ball. i need to find a way to get unstuck. try and stay away from the bar little by little. start sewing again. spend more time with my family.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
cash money... the pain and joy of ppls lives! ... ive been stress free for a while and now im in a crunch. count down for Bees Vegas cheep competion... hopefully i will get something back from my taxes. Vday is on its stupid way. Anthony asked what i was doing a while back.. just not a good thing for us to even try. i have court couple days after. omfggg what if i have to serve time like my dad did.. omg i cant handle that! and its days before bees comp!.. ok so 2010 isnt going as smoothly as id like it too.. gotta find stuff to stay positive about.
Monday, January 11, 2010
so i didnt go out all weekend.. friday night i had a game night at my house... and it was pretty fucking fun. we played a dare jenga.. hella fun... very surprised by the crafty steady hands of my fellow playmates... (carlos was a damn animal.. scary lucky mo fo..) had to get up early for Bees cheer comp on sat. my baby is so pretty so cute and adorable on the cheer squad. i can never tell her though shes to bad ass for that. but they didnt win.. which is ok.. they are learning the ropes.. Grandma and me were about to burst with pride.. my baby girl. then i came home and passed the fuck out. was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sleepy. n sunday was ok but bee had a little hissy fit.. cant even remeber for what but she told me she hated me. what ev. went to shira-soni for dinne. michells surprise bday. that was intresting. simpsons 20th anniversary.. damn right i watched it. then hit the bar with my fav dirty Dee... intresting night. good fckuingign times. :) gooood nigters.. :)
Friday, January 8, 2010
came home last night. when i seen him instantly my whole mood changed. im becoming more and more aware of my anger towards him. this cant be healthy. and im sure he feels it too. i know what to do about it, but i just dont want to do the work or to get over it(it=my childhood). im sooooooo very thankful hes with that lady again.. keeps him away from here for now. i didnt go to the gym last night. i fell asleep watching where the wild things are. creepy btw. Game night tonight! hope it goes well!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
lets play catchup... so im still single. still employed. still at my dads. the goods.. i joined the gym end of nov and i feel fantastic. Zumba is My new obsession! pretty healthy obsession to have.. ok now for the bads.. i was arrested on new years for a DUI. i wasnt even close to being drunk but i guess i blew more then the legal limit .08.. lame but being overweight might actually help me out of this. i have court feb 16.. fingers crossed major praying time. last month i realized how major last year was. big big changes for me. the guy who i thought was the love of my life broke up with me. id never been broken up with totally thought i was going to die.(im very much alive and doing just fine now) i turned 30.. not as big of a deal as i thought it would be (but im very glad to be 30) im back at my dads house and its pretty convenient for the now but i think it might be time to move out on my own again very soon. i lost my best friend. my only really true friend. this was very major. i went through most of my life with out a true best friend.. i thought she would be in my life forever. i missed her 30th bday (i was completely broke, but had planned to make it up bigtime..but before i even got the chance to tell her all about it she broke up with me) she stopped talking to me. at first she was just short on words.. then stopped texting me back. my last text to her was "are you ever going to talk to me" didnt hear back from her for 3 months. then last week she just wrote "i miss you janice". what am i supposed to do with that? i didnt write back i cant. that was more painful then when Anthony broke up with me. me and him had problems very obvious problems.. but me and her i thought were bonded forever... i guess i was wrong. cest le vie. now that we are up to date im going to make it a point to write every day.. till tomorrow..