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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

omg just let go already!

ok so texting is not helping at all! i need to just completely let go! and myspace might have to go too... agh.

Your horoscope for March 31, 2009 You might find that something or someone is purposefully trying to make things difficult for you today, Janice. It might seem as if you are trying to get a handle on the issues but somehow, things are slipping through your fingers like butter. Don't force yourself to make any major decisions and certainly don't try to herd people into corners. Let others have their freedom and consider simply riding out the storm.

Monday, March 30, 2009

lonely weekend.

friday was well would have been our one year anniversary. i wanted to ask him if we could hang out that day but he beat me to it.. asked if it would be cool if we hung out. said only if we could keep it about that day and not fight. well when the day came he sounded hesitant so i said prob not a good idea. he said well let me know if u change ur mind. i was so scared so i thought if we go to the movies that left little room to talk and would be less of a chance to fight.. but when i asked if he wanted to go to the movies he had already made plans. (he had called my from that whore bag of a friends phone) so im guessing he had plans with them. i was crushed. but didnt let it get to me. so later that night he texted me i love you. i replied ditto. and he accused me of being drunk.? wtf.. just told him hurts to keep saying it. like im being strung along. so he said he was sorry and he wouldnt say it anymore. sigh.. was long long long night.. had to work over time the next day. and also had to get ready to go to santa cruz! took bee and two friends. to the mystery spot. was cool but man do i need to make some cool single friends! bee of course took off with her friends so i was mostly by myself. usually im pretty ok with being alone.. but since this break up.. man i just miss him so much .. we would of had such a great time! .. :( but it sucked. i sat on the beach by myself.. tried reading my book but agh was so not into it.. i could see all the stupid lovey dovey couples walking around. anyways i survied. sunday was pretty non productive.. had so much i wanted to do.. but sleeping just felt so much better. i did however make bee her curtains.. look so cute!

Your horoscope for March 30, 2009 The key to being successful for you today, Janice, is to maintain an air of stability and grounding. If others see you as being too flighty and off the wall, they will be hesitant about putting their trust in you. Make sure you do things in your power that will help boost your clout. You will need this support from others later on. Creating a solid base from which to build on is key.

Friday, March 27, 2009

bees room

so yes we have tons of projects going on here at home. this house really sucks and im trying to make it more of a home.. so far i got carpet and already is 100xs better! so lots of cleaning up and throwing out junk. bees room has a theme now that we are working with.. we painted her dresser and last night i went and got fabric and paint for her room! its aqua green and brown.. looks good together. and poka dots!

one year ago today... .

we met in the middle of the night.. after talking to anthony since the december before. something id done a few times before.. i never knew that night would change my life.. so much has happend.. so much is about to happen. i dont know which way life going to go but i know not to worry about it.. just letting god guide me..

i committed to volunteer 100hrs today!i cant wait to hear from them and find out what new adventures i will embark on helping ppl on the way!

Your horoscope for March 27, 2009 Today is apt to be quite favorable for you, Janice, and you should keep the lines of communication open so that you can spread your knowledge out to others, and likewise receive the incredibly important information that is due to come your way. Your energy might come in erratic, yet powerful bursts at this time, and you should find that your overall ego and powerful emotions are quite strong.

Your lovescope for March 27, 2009 Sometimes it happens that as one door closes, another one opens. This could indeed be the scenario, with today's planetary alignment. Where a relationship or one chapter in a certain relationship may have ended, another new one may be about to begin. An event today brings you a great feeling of warmth and cheer, and opens your heart to the possibility of a better future.

Thursday, March 26, 2009


takes wayyyyy longer to build up then to drain out of my bank account! But feels good to not stress over bills!
my sister said that i get to baby sit nessa! and get PAID for it! man that would be soooooo good.. to have extra money coming in.. i really want my own place to live! of course getting to baby sit nessa is awesome too.. i LOVE that kid soooo much!

so i know what im addicted to.. men. i want one so bad. i feel so i dont know incomplete with out one. sounds horrible .. i dont even care which one it is sometimes.?! im a relationship junkie! thats what makes me stick around so long? and i learned why i pick broken men! cuz of my damn dad! my dad is so messed up in the head but i dont hate him.. i dont like him but i dont hate him.. agh man i so have to go to that counselor at work. man i just need someone to help me sort through all this crap! small group is great.. im learning a lot more about myself talking to these ladies whom if it wasnt for church id never have any kind of relationship with women like this. but they rock.

anthony.. oh dear anthony.. we are broken up yet im still on a rollercoaster ride with him.. actually not really.. i think now im mostly just watching him on the rollercoaster ride. im able to just watch now.. but i do hate seeing him like this. he has this rage that.. wow... just nuts.. i feel really bad for him. and i miss the good him.. but ohhh so glad we broke up and i dont have to be around the bad him!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

oh man oh man...

what a CRAZY day yesterday was! Bees dad called.. i felt such a sense of relief when i heard his voice. sooooo soooooooo glad hes alive. what a horrible feeling not knowing if he was dead of alive. i was so pissed i missed the call.. damn phone.. stupid texting. wish bee could of talked to him. i think they both need eachother. wish he knew how worried he made us all. but thank god hes alive. now everyone can sleep a little better. i hope he calls back soon.
and the biggest crazy news! my best friend.. who was straight when i first met her.. yesterday omfg... she got... married..... to a ...... chick! well became domestic partners.. but they are doing like a wedding thing on 090909!!!! ack! omg i was so blown away all day yesterday couldnt believe my eyes! but she really did it. man oh man!
last night bee and me painted her dresser.. came out great! its like a aqua green. i bought that dresser when she was like 3yrs old.. 10yrs ive been wanting to sand and paint that thing.. always waited for her dad to do it then i just lagged.. but finally got it done! and we are planning a trip to the mystery spot.! this weekend. didnt even think about doing something for spring break.. till all her friends were going places.. so now im already feeling bad that i wont have my man on this trip. :( so stupid. why do i have to feel that way.?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

damn these are good!

Your horoscope for March 24, 2009 Janice, it could be that you have recently been building up fanciful scenarios in your head regarding how you think things should be, either in a romantic situation, a business situation, or a family situation. More than likely, these images will come into conflict with reality as you discover that you need to take a much more grounded and analytical approach to what you have going.

ok so i guess we were texting back and forth yesterday. got a little deep at times. the jist of it is he still wants us to one day work. not that im opposed to it.. but realistically i dont think hes down to put in the work.. and even if he was.. i dont know that it would be enough for me. like honestly the man i want by my side for the rest of my life wouldnt do any of the things he does. well like the whole money and possesions thing.. i agree that i was bad with my money and shouldnt be so careless with it but he i guess like i at times was too had a double standard.. it was ok for him to spend endless amounts of money on his "hobbies" and i guess he didnt say much about me spending it on myself but would always have something to say if i ever spent money on others.. even on bee.. sorry but it thats what i want to do why shouldnt i? and he always had something to say about my family.. ok i did cater to them at times.. but they are my family and sometimes its ok.. and the whole respect thing.. i was so sad when it was lost. i was very contious of when it first happend the first time he cursed at me. agh he's not a bad guy.. but the respect thing is huge. the trust thing is huge! its not going to happen with out it. how the heck do u even work on that? man ok grounded i am. no more fluttering... sigh. i just wish this was easier. wish i knew exactly what was right to do.

Monday, March 23, 2009

week 2

well the house is on its way.. got carpet in my room and the livingroom.. alexis room is next. we got a really nice entertainment center for the livingroom too but i think they are trying to bring harveys tv here which means no need for the nice entertainment center.. agh anddddddd i got new matresses! so big i love them! :( but so wish anthony was next to me cuddled up sleeping. i might of messed up i agreed to go out with him on what would of been our 1yr anniversary. i had been thinking it too.. but now im not sure how good of an idea that is. i told him only if we can keep it about that day.. no old issues no fighting. and now hes texting asking questions. i have that feeling like i dont want him to know shit.. but thats just because of how i felt when he was fishing for info.. i know hes just asking.. i have to learn to figure out when to talk and when its none of anyone buisness! anyways theres no way getting back together is gonna happen right now. hes still nuts! and im still hurting.

Your horoscope for March 23, 2009 You're radiant today, Janice, and glowing with happiness! This is a refreshing change, after the gloom and doom of the past few weeks. Apparently, the decisions you made worked out for the best. Or, even better, perhaps you're in love? In any case, it will be even easier than usual for you to communicate with others and share your joy. Let the good times roll!

Friday, March 20, 2009

day five.. Friday!

so its friday i have a pocket full of cash and i want to go have fun! but i know i have to do it all responsibly.. no back tracking!

Your horoscope for March 20, 2009 It may be hard for you to maintain your self-discipline, Janice. Your child-like nature wants to come out and play. Emotionally, you are anxious to let loose and follow your most basic playful and instinctual nature, yet your sense of duty and responsibility is holding you back. This difficult internal tension may be the cause of irritation in many different areas of your life. Do your best to come to a place of balance and equilibrium.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

day four

he texted me a few times yesterday mostly mean things. i didnt text him back once. funny how in such a short time im able to already look back and see how much he fucked with my head. and is still trying to. i got a text a little bit ago from him our song. "listen up cuz i love you lady we go back like 1980. lord knows your the one to save me u love me cuz im so crazy.you'll see it'll be u and me allllwayys!!" god how i miss that side of him! but i cant let him get to me.

on the home front. i got some awesome carpet for the house yesterday! i think its enough for the living room my room and alexis' room! even got some for bees room but i think im going to buy her a cute rug instead. i wasnt able to get as much done yesterday i lost most my energy after picking up the carpet. but i did put a lot away. today i have church but i think my dad is gonna get more stuff done today so fingers crossed i will be able to get more done today!

Your horoscope for March 19, 2009 The past few weeks may have seemed like an earthquake, Janice. You may still be trembling slightly as you embark on the weeks ahead. Fortunately, the current astral configuration promises calmer, although not necessarily less intense energy. You will be able to apply decisions you recently made regarding your domestic life and settle important matters once and for all...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

day three

i miss lots of stuff about him, how he played with my hair, how good it felt to hug him how comfortable i was laying in his arms how safe it felt, how much i loved going everywhere with him holding his hands. his hands were my favorite part. they were perfect. so much that i miss. but theres a lot of stuff i am so happy to be away from too. i wonder how long it will take to forget him. to stop wanting him.. im getting excited to live a new drama free life! im excited to get the house looking nice again. excited to hang with friends. i hope loneliness stays away.

Your horoscope for March 18, 2009 This could be a highly productive day for you, if you approach it in the right way. You will find that you have an added burst of energy that could help you conquer just about any task you set your mind to, Janice. You may feel more aggressive than usual, so use this to your advantage by delegating tasks and moving forward on projects that you would like to see get accomplished at this time.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

day two

yesterday was ok i was in the office and pretty content. then after work i had small group. it was pretty intense. we had a question about fathers. pretty heavy stuff. then the shit hit the fan, He reminded me why breaking up is the best thing for ME! he cried about the cans, garbage bags and movies?!then called me petty? i didnt take shit from him.. then he sent me a pretty nasty text after i left. i cried so hard on the way home i couldnt even see past my glasses. got to my dads and sat in the van for a while crying my heart out begging god to take the pain away. i have a million and one horrible things to throw in his face and all i could do was text him back that i loved him and that he'd always have a spot in my heart. bye. we went back and forth a little him just going back and forth from sorry to hurtful. back in the office today. pretty great here. love the cafeteria! love seeing my friends here. tonight im going to the movies with nichole. she said something about a tattoo special tonight so we'll see. He texted me on his break said he missed me. i said me too. he said he wanted to hold me i replied it was going to take a long time for that feeling to go away for me. then just told him to have a good day. i love him no doubt. but i dont like all the hurtful things he is.

Your lovescope for March 17, 2009 The current aspect gives you the ability to laugh where you may have recently wanted to cry. Whatever the situation that tormented you, you will be able to see it in a new light after today. But then, you may also get some help from a person whom you know well, but have not considered in a romantic sense. They will help you see the light.

Monday, March 16, 2009

day one

in the office today. this weekend was so rough. i cried at the most random moments. i miss him so much. all i wanted was to see him so bad. i wanted to hug him. lay in bed with him and fall asleep for days. hold his big hands. but i didnt even get to hear his voice. texts were all i got. im so greatful for my family. i dont think i would of made it if it werent for them. god at one point i wanted to beg and plead! how pathetic. but now that im out of there feel just a little better. i dont have to sit there and hope he comes home. stupid stupid stupid hope.

Your horoscope for March 16, 2009 If by chance you have to speak in public these days, Janice, trust that people will enjoy listening. Words come to you effortlessly, and you exude confidence and willingly accept the compliments of others. Your energy level is high and you will be unstoppable. This is only fair, after all the work you have put in these last few months!

Sunday, March 15, 2009


oh so many things tell me to keep looking within myself for the answers to the whys.. i feel like im on the verge of something so so sooooo scary yet pretty exciting. like things will just become so clear and its all just the obvious. but im growing impatient. i dont want to go through this hurt to get the answers. i dont want the long road.

i want my man to always feel safe and secure. hmm obviously not finacially but that would be nice for a change. but just my big man to hold me when times are rough and to say it will be all right baby. to feel his big strong hands comforting me. i know i have to let go but he was almost my everything.. anyways im sleep deprived and probably not making much sense. good night. i love you anthony.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


i been moping around here for days. i know its going to be fine. i know its for the better. i just have this feeling of not understanding. which is pretty hilarious because thats what we talked about at celebrate on thursday. we want so bad to understand things when somethings we never going to understand. its just the way god wants it to be. so all this pain.. all this heartache is for a reason? why does it have to hurt so much.? what is in store for me next? any why are we so afraid of the unknown. im going to try to not let it get me down today. have a lot to do and need to just pick myself up and do it.

Your horoscope for March 14, 2009 The universe is inviting you magnify your vision, Janice. It's time to see the bigger, the better, the more advanced side of things. Remember that life is a mirror; you are highly unlikely to receive more than you hope for. So dream big, hope big, imagine yourself in the stars. Don't sell yourself short - it's a misuse of humility and modesty.

Monday, March 9, 2009

sissy bitch

i feel like such a sissy little bitch.. crying all weekend.. boo hoo my poor feelings are hurt. god knock it off.. i hate all this feelings crap. and talking about them.. yeah that don't help! just leaves me feeling more vulnerable and i cry some fucking more!! i feel like i hate the world right now. i hate everyone who has a loving man. hate everyone who is having sex! i hate myself for wanting attention. for wanting to feel desired. i hate myself for wanting to feel that connection that comes with the intimacy of our bodies connecting. today i hate. of course i will be "just fine" but really i just fucking HATE!

Your horoscope for March 9, 2009 Unsettling news from far away could have you feeling somewhat upset and a little depressed. The temptation to withdraw into yourself and brood might seem too strong to resist, but this may not be the best course of action. Getting things done is likely to be the best therapy in emotional situations like this, Janice, so if there is a new project you've been considering taking on, this is the day to do it.

Friday, March 6, 2009


did laundry.. felt good outside. cookie laid around around outside in the sun. had tacos from the taco truck at lunch and seen they keep the bottle caps.! so i asked what they did with them and they said they just throw them away so i asked if i could have them. and he said yes! so i got a crafty itch! been digging in my pics to see what i can cut up and put in the caps. got a few started. after work i touched up my hair bleached the roots of my streak. went to walmart with Anthony to go get his niece a bday present. got her this cute little cheerleader doll that sings in English and Spanish! to cute. i like his cousins.. Richard and Dora Marie. especially Richard.. hes very talkative and made me feel welcome and part of the fam. we left cuz i had church. on the way home we were talking about his brothers kids and his cousin Joe how they always used to be over his (and her) apt. i think he really misses that. i don't know why he stopped but can help but feel its my fault.. i know better of course but still. then he started to cry and said he wanted to hang out with her kid for his bday. i know he didn't mean to hurt me but the way ive been feeling lately i just wanted to disappear. ive been asking him what he wants to do and he cant think of anything. i know im wrong but i keep thinking he cant think of anything to do with me. then im so fucking jealous of all the stupid bitches(i dont mean bitches really im sure they are nice chicks)at his work cuz they get to have the happy Anthony all fucking day. seems like any time hes happy is when hes there or talking about them. i know im prob just more focused on it cuz im feeling very neglected but common. so they are making a big deal for his bday today. and thats fine im glad for him.. i know how great that feels but only makes me more jealous. like i cant even compete with them agh or her kid. well i guess thats how i make him feel sometimes too. so what is it? why are we so disconnected? why do i feel so far away from him? i guess i dont make him feel very wanted sometimes too. omg i just dont want to get hurt. hes very hurtful. says very mean things. or says things that just come out sounding very mean. hes very sensitive to his feelings.. VERY sensitive.. but when it comes to the feelings of others hes not so sensitive. thinks that just because hes being "honest" and up front he can bulldozer around leveling ppl. because he so smart. he knows how everything should "be". what ppl are feeling and how they need to act. he does have alot of things to say but his delivery is where i just stop listening. hes very overwhelming almost controling. to much to take in large EVERYDAY doses. fuck especially first thing in the morning. god nothing worse then being scolded even before u get to step out of bed. i love him very much but all the songs fucking lie.. love is not all u need.

i was weary about going to church last night. because of how down ive been feeling. but im glad i did. i didnt get to share but thats ok i just listened and thats something im really trying hard to do. listen and learn. i realllly really love the music! that road to recovery song is just awesome! think it also has to do with how riled up everyone gets! so great. anyways im glad i went.

Thursday, March 5, 2009


Your lovescope for March 5, 2009 The position of the planets brings with it the opportunity to show someone that you are quite a high-class deal. If you have a choice of social events this evening, then you may like to choose the one that brings you into association with those whom you hold in the highest esteem. Someone in particular will stand out, and will be equally impressed by all you have to offer.

fuck me

love me
unattended wails
wont u hear me?
worlds never ending
other lifes wonderment
what if's
if only
fuck you
fuck me
im here
unattended wails!

a new day

do not beg for it! and dont take it personally.

Your horoscope for March 5, 2009 This is a great day for you to strut your stuff, Janice. You are on top of the world, so enjoy yourself, your family, and the people around you. You are right on top of the action and you don't miss a beat, regardless of the conversation that is buzzing around you. You are able to whip out facts, dates, and people's birthdays at the drop of a hat. Don't let anyone bring you down or talk you out of the good mood you are in

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Happy Humpday!

or at least happy wednessday.. :(

Your horoscope for March 4, 2009 You may find yourself in intense arguments that explode into verbal wars that you are not happy about, Janice. Your nature is expansive and generous, but you find that if this good nature is taken advantage of, your mood quickly turns to anger and detachment. Conflict is often a natural part of a relationship. Use it as a learning experience instead of blowing it out of proportion and turning it into a larger issue than it needs to be.

was talking about forgivness to alissa yesterday.. talking bout our dads.. she told her step mom that as for as she was concerned she didnt have a father... wow...through everything i still dont think i could ever say that. but i had been thinking about forgiving my dad and just letting go of everything.. i feel stunted.. like i cant keep growing if i dont let go of all the crap from growing up.. and even after i left home. but i guess all that is easier said then done. i do wish it was better between us though.. sometimes i do miss him.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

dont run?

Your horoscope for March 3, 2009 When faced with an emotionally intense situation, you are likely to flee, Janice. You would rather skirt the issue and quickly change the subject to something much more lighthearted and palatable. Keep in mind that this form of escapism is going to do nothing to solve the problem that is crying out for attention. In fact, by avoiding the emotional topic and moving into your own fantasyland, you are only creating more friction than if you just approached the problem head-on.

creepy how dead on these things are some days. ok fuk stop running already? and do what? talk to him? face the problems how?!!!!!! we cant talk. i mean we can.. and it feels ok for the moment but then just goes right back to usual?! i am trying my fucking hardest. but it unreasonable what he wants from me? to put him first in EVERY single aspect of my life? no im sorry but i cant. different situations require me to prioritize. hes my number one guy.. my number one love. just like bee is my number one kid. just like my sister is my number one sister. theres no way i can treat them all the same.. when they all mean different things to me. he hates my relationship with alissa.. because she is my best friend. she allows me to be me. holds nothing against me. tells me when and how ive hurt her.. allows me to apologize then move on. he gives me absolutly no room to be human.. to be flawed. he lives in such an absolute world. if ive lied once or 10times he says EVERYTHING ive ever said is a lie? no thats not right. yes i know how bad it is to lie and im doing really good.. with it. but ive only lied out of fear. that he wont get me that he will just think bad of me.. that he will have more to throw in my face. like last night when he was asking about small group. i didnt want to tell him.. for fear of him doing what he usually does.. puts it down. i guess what we all do.. put down what we dont know.. or wish we had.. out of fear?.. agh i want to tell him everything.. i want to share everything with him. but i cant. he keeps telling me to tell him things then i do and he laughs or puts it down or holds it against me?. im sure i prob do it too but god im trying.. im not always strong to his actions. his words. especially when they are true. god im just kidding myself. I CANT CHANGE HIM!!!! i want something hes not able to give me right now.. maybe never. the good i seen in him is all hes able to give right now. and its not enough for me. and i guess its not fair to him to expect what he cant give.. i cant wait around and HOPE while getting hurt all the time. but how the fuck do i stop loving him? how do i loose this hope? how do i walk away from this not thinking im not good enough? that i wasnt enough AGAIN for someone to love me enough to fight for me with every bit that i fight for them.? its so hard when i can see it.. i can feel it.. we were so fucking close. i got to touch my dream. we could of made eachother so happy. now everything just seems to be spinning out of control.. all i can do is just hide. "IM THE ONLY ONE IN IT". hurt more then a fist to the face!

Monday, March 2, 2009

stupid babies

its so sad to hear him talk. i want a baby sooooo bad. i know right now is not a good time. i know that our relationship is not even close to be strong enough to even think about being parents.. but that does not make me want a baby any less. i love him so much and he would be so good to a baby.. just his thinking is so bad. i know i cant change him and i know the risks of investing all this time with him.. but i just cant stop loving him .. i think about the good in him and that just gives me this stupid hope.. like i can see past his thick layer of bad.. if only he could let go of all that hate for the world.. his hate for life. god hes missing out on so much good.. so much warmth.. so much love around him.


service was great this week! i wish so bad that he was there with me. better together. i love going.. makes me want to just be the best person i can be! gives me hope when i feel its all gone.