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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

good bye 2008!

this year has been a year of big changes. A year of progress. A year a learning. A year of getting to know and understand myself. A year of love. A year of real beginings.. although there were many lows there were just as many high's (haha). id never had such a great birthday. the best reno trip of my life. halloween was the best. my nights were warm and snuggly. my days were full of i loves yous. my daughter is growing and begining to understand more but just the same she doesnt.. but its what we all go through as teens.. but shes healthy and has enough and im thankful shes mine. My sister had a beautiful very health baby girl and is learning about life. My brother had an adorable baby boy and loves and provides for his family. My little brother is learning what its like to be a grown man with responsibilities and seems like hes got it under control.. my mom suffered a huge loss when my grandma died but shes no longer in pain and is in a much better place. my dad well hes still just the same old guy. but seems like hes found a family i guess.. i hope hes ok. good bye 2008. thank you for everything you brought me. thank you for all that i learned. and i welcome 2009 with open arms!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


i just am. not for good. just for now. when does the fight end? does it ever end? get easier? funny how life is huh. just when u think uve found perfect.. it hides behind a hurt/ful wall... it could be so good i was so close i can taste it.. maybe its not meant for me.? we went to bed with i love you's and woke up with i love you's.. how did it turn to what it did?
it sucks to start over. but no point to hang on to something thats never going to be. i will remember only the good.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Angry words mean....

Angry words mean nothing. let them go! let them go right through you.. dont give them a second thought. The only one that can make you happy is yourself. be happy. be patient and understanding. take your own steps to make your self a better you. keep faith and hope that he will follow. love yourself. especially when others cant.

Patience is the greatest of all virtues.

Patience (ˈpā-shənz) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.

Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.
-Brian Adams

monday.. 3days till xmas.

bee is staying at my moms for xmas break. I feel completely.... different. not bad but not good either, i feel almost lost. I've been "mom" for most my life. since bees gone I'm not really on 24/7 mom duty now I'm just Anthony's girlfriend but hes not completely here most the time..

....if the ppl around me define who i am, who am i when they are gone?

I'm reading this book.. this girl grew up to meet every ones expectations. Married her boyfriend(future doctor) because it was the next step to take according to these "expectations". she was a 21yr old teacher at a high school.. teaching kids just a few yrs younger then her.. she hated who she was so she quit being a teacher and went to work at a bar...she got a taste of a totally different life.. so after being married for a few weeks she just cant take staying between the lines and well basically runs away to find out who she really wanted to be.

Anthony has talked about this very thing.. he just wants to take off and .. I'm not sure.. be free? free of responsibilities..? my own fate is already to be a mom. i love bee and i will never regret her. but i do have fantasy's of just taking off.. i wish i could of gone away to college and gotten to experience more of that life.. so I'm well aware that my fantasy will never come true like i used to dream about..but I'm sure i can still live parts of what is plausible? buttttt will that be me? i cant change being the mom janice or any of the other janice's ..? but can i still find me? is there more of me? i like me. i like being mom,sister,daughter,girlfriend,cousin.. ok so i know im me. i think what im missing is just giving myself time for myself...? i give myself to everyone. i think i will just start to take some time for myself., just do janice things. also im hold back because of what others my think or feel about me. for example i want to just do my hair all crazy. but i dont because im afraid of what ppl might thing. so i do safe things. sometimes i want to wear certain things that i dont because i feel ive put myself in this box i have to abide by? i know i cant blame ppl for me not doing what i want.. its my own hang up. i think Anthony taught me that.. but i dont want to do things like he does i still care about ppl and dont want to hurt ppl in any way. but i will start to just do more of what i like.

my new years resolution starting TODAY. Be more ME.. think for myself not go by what i think others want or will think of me. balance myself for me and myself for others. no need to be selfish but no need to forget about janice either.

oh and wipe the slate clean. erase anything i hold against him..i know i cant make him do anything.. but i will wipe the slate clean and start over with Anthony. will try and have more patience. love requires a lot of work.. but the rewards are so worth it.

and with bee.. well thats even more work. and thats a never ending story. but i will change things. i will keep her on a better path. i will be a parent not a friend no matter how hard it is. she is my main purpose in life.
i really want to try church.

Friday, December 19, 2008


today seems ruined. today seems pointless. turn it around. take your time out. i can only take so much.. take a breather and regroup. love openly. be patient. stay calm and build instead of distruct.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

First christmas

This is our first christmas tree together. Has been a bit of a struggle to get to this but they say anything worth having is worth the work. I believe it with all my heart.

tuesday... take two..

Today will be a great day! i will love and be patient! i am human and its ok to make mistakes. apologize. listen. and try to do better.

Monday, December 15, 2008


It was a great/rough weekend. Had some great moments that i will remember for ever and other moments that i will erase. Today im not going to plan for tomorrow. Today im taking just today. Today i will be patient. Today I will just love. No matter what i will have a good day..

Christmas is less then two weeks away. We have a Beautiful tree up. Our stockings are hung.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

self control

hang tight... go forward not backwards.. dont get baited in... dont let anger distruct . let go of anger... grow. self control. self control self control. dont blow up. be constructive. self control self control self control self control self control. i still hate her. shes nothing. nothing to me. let go. she is no one. let go.. self control. she cant harm me. let go. she is nothing. self control. die.. sorry no let go. self control. release anger in a constructive manner. what do i do. go wash ur clothes. get your mind clear. walk. self control.

dear god..

i dont know anymore who to believe in... but i want to believe so bad that u are the best thing to believe in... please help me through this.. my heart is soooo full of hate at the moment.. guide me through this.. dont let me do something stupid... please direct my anger to something positive.. please dont let me cause harm. please god please i dont want to be the person i used to be.. please dont let me cause harm.. please help me... make me better.... dont let me do what i want to do.. please god i just want to be better please direct my thoughts .... im so tired of going backwards... let me grow.. help me grow... i want to hurt her so bad... i know she is not worth all this hate... but god i cant help but want to cause her the pain that i feel right now... i want to wish so much bad on her right now.. i dont want to be that person... help me please... help me deal with this... calm down.. breathe.. stop... this is wrong. shes a small person.. she hates herself. why does he have to hang on? letting go i know is so hard. personal experience. its scary to let go of what youve always know.. its hard to grow.. she is his pacifier. she is not going to let him grow... she is an ancor. she is his safety net. fuk ok i know its hard for him... and god im trying not to take this personal... but i cant let it be. what do i do.. ? stand by.. ? one thing is for her to be fucking with me.. that i can let go.. but him not having my back on this i cant let go of. if alissa did something like that to mess with us that would make her a bad friend and yes if she apologized maybe i might forgive her... but its not the first time she has done this? .. that is not a friend. its up to him. i love him and will stand by his side always. but i cant let him just think it ok to when he is in the wrong. im scared of losing him because of the way he overreacts but i have to let him know when hes in the wrong too. and if i loose him because of it then he never loved me enough. theres still pain.. but not anger or confusion.. thank you.

Monday, December 8, 2008


his text this morning made me feel great!..

i was going to put our pics back up on myspace.. (i took them down cuz they made me cry to see them) and i was going to comment him when i seen three comments from some girl... flirty comments.. my heart sank.. my body tensed.. im so scared now. i wasnt this scared before all the crap went down.. its like i feel damaged now. like he will toss me aside anytime he wants to.. he said to me before... he was always looking for the next best... but he didnt feel like that with me.. fuk theres always going to be someone better.. we are going to take lots of work.. what if he gives up? what if im putting all my everything into this and he gives up? what if some "better" chick crosses his path .. what will he do? i love him. i want the world for us. im going to do everything to be the best person i can be.. for us to build a strong strong foundation. we are so great when we are good.. we deserve eachother.

Friday, December 5, 2008

thoughts v's feelings

yesterday i was feeling really good.. i was thinking very positive. i wanted to look as good as i felt.. i wanted anthony to be proud of his gf.. i wasnt expecting tons of compliments just i guess the acknoledgment that i made an effort to look good for him.. but i guess he takes it inna wrong way. like im doing it to impress other guys? maybe he even thought i was going to see someone else? i dont know.. it made me really sad that my good intentions are taken the wrong way.. i just want to look good walking next to him holding his hand.. so i felt really dumb for having gotten all done up.. but it was a reation to his reaction, i see it from his side and its just because his thoughts were wrong.. he didnt mean to hurt me. but it was hard to shake the gloom. i think i just get really scared that hes gonna flip again. hes very hard to bring back after going onna negative track. everytime he grasps on to something meaningless and runs with it. hes so set on me hurting him that he makes up his own reasons for something that dont mean anything? i know hes not a trusting person and i know i lied and it only made things worse. buy why? why would someone WANT to push? make the bad things in their head come true. ? like i have my doubts about him.. i get scared when he leaves to his friends house.. but only cuz of how he used to come see me when he was still with her... but i dont want to believe that he would do that to me.. not now? not yet? i know we have our rough times but he loves me right? why would he cheat on me now.. he loves me.. why cant he just think that way? i love him.. i really do.. i want all the stuff we talk about.. all the stuff we dream about. with him by my side.. life feels so good.. its so frustrating that he dont get it. but sometimes i do get it. he knows how he is but he dont know how i am.. he just goes by what hes seen. but i know everything hes seen isnt bad? why dont he focus on whats good about me then whats been bad? he said hes always had a gut feeling about me. that kills me. a gut feeling that im going to hurt him. thats how i come across? i feel hopeless today. i cant stay on the rollercoaster hes on. i have to maybe try to stay off? but how do i do that and keep him? i dont want to let him down. i dont want to loose him. i dont want to loose us. can i stay by his side and help and not loose myself? this up and down with him isnt right. like my mood.. my happiness depends on how it goes with him... it shouldnt be like that right? i want him to depend on me and me to depend on him.. but there has to be a line to where we each can stand on our own? god sometimes it feels like a winable fight.. othertimes im so scared that it wont matter how much of a fight i put up.. i love him.. i will fight for us.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Working towords a new life.....

im 29 years old. ive lived life the best that ive known how. ive made many many mistakes. ive tried to make the best of what i have of what is. ive lived strong and gaurded around so many fears. fears that have held me back. ive always felt like there is so much more to me. ive gone about life so wrong because of fear. i fear not being liked not being loved. i fear being judged. i fear being alone. i fear being ridiculed. i fear shame. i fear indifferance. i fear being hurt. i fear being toyed with. i fear lack of progression. i fear disappointment. i fear failure. im not always scared.. there have been times in my life when i feel so positive and alive and all my fears mean nothing.. i think it was mostly when i was actually trying to do something positive with my life. when i was in school. when i was being active. when i was healthier. thats it. ive been in the dumps for to long. i want to be a good person. i want to do good things. i want to love fully and be loved fully. i want to be a great mother. a great sister. a great daughter. a great friend. i want to be able to feel free to openly express myself. i want to create. i want to make things. i want to be fun and goofy. i want to enjoy life. ive lied to myself for to long. my life is not a waste. im not here just to pass time. im here to leave a mark. im here to live this only life i get. ive always felt like because of where i come from means im never going to make it more then what it was.. ive been ashamed and so ive never tried. ive judged myself. i beat myself up with out a cause. but how do i turn everything ive known for the past 29 years around and make it better? im guessing slowly..take real initiative to make changes in my day to day life... maybe make a plan? commit myself to bettering my life. bees life. my hopeful life with anthony.. anthony. hmm i know i myself cant change anyone.. but hes inspired me to be someone better someone ive always wanted to be.. i want to inspire him. he is a great person when he wants to be. he has so many fears.. but i just hope hes ready for change as much as i am. this blog is all over the place.. but i just feel like im on the brink of something great.. my mind is all over the place. so much is just unraveling yet falling into place.. i have hope. im being honest with myself. im going to bring more to my life.