Working towords a new life.....

im 29 years old. ive lived life the best that ive known how. ive made many many mistakes. ive tried to make the best of what i have of what is. ive lived strong and gaurded around so many fears. fears that have held me back. ive always felt like there is so much more to me. ive gone about life so wrong because of fear. i fear not being liked not being loved. i fear being judged. i fear being alone. i fear being ridiculed. i fear shame. i fear indifferance. i fear being hurt. i fear being toyed with. i fear lack of progression. i fear disappointment. i fear failure. im not always scared.. there have been times in my life when i feel so positive and alive and all my fears mean nothing.. i think it was mostly when i was actually trying to do something positive with my life. when i was in school. when i was being active. when i was healthier. thats it. ive been in the dumps for to long. i want to be a good person. i want to do good things. i want to love fully and be loved fully. i want to be a great mother. a great sister. a great daughter. a great friend. i want to be able to feel free to openly express myself. i want to create. i want to make things. i want to be fun and goofy. i want to enjoy life. ive lied to myself for to long. my life is not a waste. im not here just to pass time. im here to leave a mark. im here to live this only life i get. ive always felt like because of where i come from means im never going to make it more then what it was.. ive been ashamed and so ive never tried. ive judged myself. i beat myself up with out a cause. but how do i turn everything ive known for the past 29 years around and make it better? im guessing slowly..take real initiative to make changes in my day to day life... maybe make a plan? commit myself to bettering my life. bees life. my hopeful life with anthony.. anthony. hmm i know i myself cant change anyone.. but hes inspired me to be someone better someone ive always wanted to be.. i want to inspire him. he is a great person when he wants to be. he has so many fears.. but i just hope hes ready for change as much as i am. this blog is all over the place.. but i just feel like im on the brink of something great.. my mind is all over the place. so much is just unraveling yet falling into place.. i have hope. im being honest with myself. im going to bring more to my life.