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Monday, December 22, 2008

monday.. 3days till xmas.




bee is staying at my moms for xmas break. I feel completely.... different. not bad but not good either, i feel almost lost. I've been "mom" for most my life. since bees gone I'm not really on 24/7 mom duty now I'm just Anthony's girlfriend but hes not completely here most the time..


....if the ppl around me define who i am, who am i when they are gone?




I'm reading this book.. this girl grew up to meet every ones expectations. Married her boyfriend(future doctor) because it was the next step to take according to these "expectations". she was a 21yr old teacher at a high school.. teaching kids just a few yrs younger then her.. she hated who she was so she quit being a teacher and went to work at a bar...she got a taste of a totally different life.. so after being married for a few weeks she just cant take staying between the lines and well basically runs away to find out who she really wanted to be.




Anthony has talked about this very thing.. he just wants to take off and .. I'm not sure.. be free? free of responsibilities..? my own fate is already to be a mom. i love bee and i will never regret her. but i do have fantasy's of just taking off.. i wish i could of gone away to college and gotten to experience more of that life.. so I'm well aware that my fantasy will never come true like i used to dream about..but I'm sure i can still live parts of what is plausible? buttttt will that be me? i cant change being the mom janice or any of the other janice's ..? but can i still find me? is there more of me? i like me. i like being mom,sister,daughter,girlfriend,cousin.. ok so i know im me. i think what im missing is just giving myself time for myself...? i give myself to everyone. i think i will just start to take some time for myself., just do janice things. also im hold back because of what others my think or feel about me. for example i want to just do my hair all crazy. but i dont because im afraid of what ppl might thing. so i do safe things. sometimes i want to wear certain things that i dont because i feel ive put myself in this box i have to abide by? i know i cant blame ppl for me not doing what i want.. its my own hang up. i think Anthony taught me that.. but i dont want to do things like he does i still care about ppl and dont want to hurt ppl in any way. but i will start to just do more of what i like.




my new years resolution starting TODAY. Be more ME.. think for myself not go by what i think others want or will think of me. balance myself for me and myself for others. no need to be selfish but no need to forget about janice either.


oh and wipe the slate clean. erase anything i hold against him..i know i cant make him do anything.. but i will wipe the slate clean and start over with Anthony. will try and have more patience. love requires a lot of work.. but the rewards are so worth it.


and with bee.. well thats even more work. and thats a never ending story. but i will change things. i will keep her on a better path. i will be a parent not a friend no matter how hard it is. she is my main purpose in life.
i really want to try church.


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