dear god..

i dont know anymore who to believe in... but i want to believe so bad that u are the best thing to believe in... please help me through this.. my heart is soooo full of hate at the moment.. guide me through this.. dont let me do something stupid... please direct my anger to something positive.. please dont let me cause harm. please god please i dont want to be the person i used to be.. please dont let me cause harm.. please help me... make me better.... dont let me do what i want to do.. please god i just want to be better please direct my thoughts .... im so tired of going backwards... let me grow.. help me grow... i want to hurt her so bad... i know she is not worth all this hate... but god i cant help but want to cause her the pain that i feel right now... i want to wish so much bad on her right now.. i dont want to be that person... help me please... help me deal with this... calm down.. breathe.. stop... this is wrong. shes a small person.. she hates herself. why does he have to hang on? letting go i know is so hard. personal experience. its scary to let go of what youve always know.. its hard to grow.. she is his pacifier. she is not going to let him grow... she is an ancor. she is his safety net. fuk ok i know its hard for him... and god im trying not to take this personal... but i cant let it be. what do i do.. ? stand by.. ? one thing is for her to be fucking with me.. that i can let go.. but him not having my back on this i cant let go of. if alissa did something like that to mess with us that would make her a bad friend and yes if she apologized maybe i might forgive her... but its not the first time she has done this? .. that is not a friend. its up to him. i love him and will stand by his side always. but i cant let him just think it ok to when he is in the wrong. im scared of losing him because of the way he overreacts but i have to let him know when hes in the wrong too. and if i loose him because of it then he never loved me enough. theres still pain.. but not anger or confusion.. thank you.