a sense of identity

dont loose yourself.. have a sense of identity... be more you for you.. and not you for everyone else.

think before you speak. pick your moments. speak your mind.

Your horoscope for February 25, 2009 Here you go again, philosophizing about what personal expression, creation and authenticity is all about. Have you noticed that you have some problems expressing issues that don't fall into the "norm", Janice? Your strong will and desire to be appreciated gets in your way a bit. It isn't easy to express yourself authentically when you're trying hard to make an impression on others.

god is good

yesterday was wonderful! what a beautiful day! wish i had my camera! id forgoten how beautiful my surroundings are sometimes! small group was great.. good food.. great ppl. and great growth!
today is a little different then yesterday. internet was down. tech had to come fix it. and of course no more cable tv.. sigh. and my short lived love filled guy has left the building.. it was soooooooo great while it lasted. i was in it. he was in it. but im learning things are just out of my hands and i have to let it be.. what ever the outcome maybe i know im doing my best. all in all.. im ok. think i will go for a walk its so pretty outside!

Monday.. :)

been a pretty good weekend.. and today is just dandy.! i dont know what tomorrow will bring but today.. im glad today is today!

if only

we had magic powers.. i make us speak the same language. id make us be able to understand eachother. whyyyyy... can it feel so perfect and so frustrating at the same time? why can one moment feel like the end of the world and the next a beautiful new start? shouldnt life be getting a little bit easier as we go? i guess not if we are not learning what we are supposed to from our mistakes.. well im really trying to be the best flawed person i can be.

hope/faith?

Your horoscope for February 17, 2009
You have a wonderful combination of optimism and spirituality, Janice. Of course you believe in miracles, as well as angels, Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. We support your attitude wholeheartedly! Today something may happen that only further solidifies your beliefs. Perhaps you are saved from stepping out in front of a bus by the whisperings of your guardian angel. Or you may receive a telepathic message that stops you from making a bad career mistake

i survived

a weekend i was sure i would just die from. all the pain, doubts, fears, love and hate are still there. But im alive!..which only means this isnt the end of my world. what i learned is that when in pain isolation is prob the worst thing to do.

my insanity

is growing. I'm so restless but i cant seem to get the fuck out of here! i keep fantasizing about all these reconcilement scenarios... or of these eye opening declarations.. of..my biggest fear! infidelity?!. the unknown. oh god why is it so scary. i want to just hate him and move on. no i want to love him and move on. fuck. alone with my insanity.

it stopped

my heart. i think it stopped this morning. i feel like a hollow shell. just moving by brain comands. i cant even cry about it. i just feel dead. he is single and free!!!!!?? last logged on was the first? thought we were still together then? im so confused. i never thought something like this would happen to me. this is a heart ache like no other that ive ever felt. maybe im makeing to much of this? maybe im not makeing enough of it? love coupons? god i have so many questions and not sure i want the answers. i wish, i pray this will come to a conclusion as soon as possible. god help me.

how am i?

how the fuck do u think i am? how was my day?!!!!! how the fuck do u think my day ways!!! im misreable! i cant stop crying! everything makes me think of U!!!! how am i?!!!!! how the fuck can u even ask that!!?!!??!?!?!!!!!! i FEEL LIKE SHIT! I FEEL LIKE MY WORLD IS CAVING IN ON ME! THE ONE GUY THAT I HAVE GOTTEN TO LOVE AFTER I NEVER THOUGHT ID LOVE AGAIN DONT WANT ME!!!! NOT ENOUGHT TO FUCKING CHANGE EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS HOW FUCKED UP HE IS! TO MAKE SHIT WORSE TOMORROW IS VDAY.. WAS GOING TO BE OUR FIRST VDAY. THE FIRST ONE REALLY FILLED WITH LOVE. AND U WANT TO KNOW HOW AM I?!!!!!! I AM IN FUCKING PAIN!!!! I HAVE TO PREPARE MYSELF TO NOT CRUMBLE TOMORROW! AND EVERYDAY AFTER THAT.. AND JUST HOPE IT DONT TAKE ME TO LONG TO HEAL FROM YOU REVIVING MY HEART THENNNNNN RIPPING IT OUT AND STOMPING ALL OVER IT!!! THATS HOW THE FUCK I AM?! THATS WHAT MY DAY WAS LIKE!

good byes?

from Anthony
just gotta say thank u baby. dnt settle. go 4 what u want! Its reachable! U deserve so much now just go get it! Im so sry im not the 1. i really wanted 2b. I thought u were it. But u have taught me so much. i hope 2b more like u. i love u so much. so sad 2 let this go but Happy 2 knw ur on ur way 2 a better live. i know ur going 2b happy.thank u 4 loving me like NO other has! U opend my eyes. i love u.

to Anthony:
Thanks but all that did was hurt. please stop. i dont want to hear about "US" talked enough. this is what u want. not me. but im powerless over this so please no more talk.

from anthony. well then thank u 4 letting me make my mistake.


i keep wanting to just.. i dont know.. scream. die? runaway. oh god. my heart. hurts.

oh my heart.

feels like its beeing ripped out of my chest. god i need to find some strength! i want to crawl into bed pull the covers over and wait out the storm. dont want to hear from or see anyone on sat. this hurts soooo bad.

be responsible!

dont let the money burn a hole in your pockets!!!!!!!! gonna take a big old chunk of money to move out. be smart and dont spend! get in as much OT as they offer!

Your horoscope for February 12, 2009 Take care not to try and do everything all at once today, Janice. Your social life is heating up and you may find yourself in a frenzy of preparation for all of the invitations you've been receiving. All this, on top of your regular workload, could send you into a tailspin. Pace yourself, and be sure to get your work done first before you allow your thoughts to turn to planning your social life. Just think, if you're unemployed, you'll be unable to continue having fun going out!

find strength

so i have faith. but i need more. i need things to occupy my time. i need to do more. i need positive ways to keep my mind busy!
1. bee. invest more time in her!
2. sewing makes me happy!
3. school<-- is always a benefit!
4. friends- keep them close
5. books.
6. keep learning.
7. explore more!

today

i told him that the hot and cold up and downs make me very unhappy. told him that im just gonna let go. if im not the girl for him then im not. hard to not take it personally but i have to just accept it and go. he was not going to budge on bettering himself. i want better all the way around and well not healthy for me to be around him. so C'est la Vie! not scared at all.. sad.. very sad yes. my wish.. that most likely not come true is that he would get off his ass and step up. :( if only wishes came true. but this is prob for the best.



Your horoscope for February 11, 2009 A temporary separation from a romantic partner might have you feeling in the depths of despair today, Janice. You might find your imagination conjuring up all sorts of dreadful scenarios, such as your beloved finding someone else. Don't do this to yourself. Your friend probably misses you just as much. Keep yourself busy so that the days pass quickly until your friend comes back and you're together again. Be patient!

if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

THE
BRICK

A young and successful
executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,
going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was
watching for kids darting out from between parked
cars and slowed down when he thought he saw
something. As his car passed, no children appeared.
Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!
He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to
the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry
driver then jumped out of the
car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up
against the parked car shouting,
'What was that all about and who are you? Just what
the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that
brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why
did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic.
'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't
know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the
brick because no one else would stop...' With tears
dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth
pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my
brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell
out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him
up.'Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help
me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and
he's too heavy for me.'Moved beyond words,
the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling
lump in his throat.. He hurriedly lifted the
handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took
out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh
scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything
was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless
you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too
shook up for words, the man simply watch ed the boy!
push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk
toward their home. It was a long, slow
walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very
noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair
the dented side door. He kept the dent there to
remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life
so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to
get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and
speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have
time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's
our choice to listen or not.




God didn't promise
days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun
without rain, but He did promise strength for the
day, comfort for the tears, and light for the
way.

If God brings you to
it, He will bring you through
it..

my bff

i miss my friend. but now that the bar scene is outta the picture i dont want to just go and sit there and drink. and shes all inna broke funk so i dont to see her like that. i know it sounds bad but i kinda just wanna wait till shes back on her feet and not so down. its just so contagious to be around down ppl. and im already down myself most of the time..would just add to it. but i do miss my friend.

Your horoscope for February 10, 2009 A rather spacey friend or acquaintance from far away could ring you up today, Janice, perhaps proposing a visit. This might not be too convenient right now, and thus could put you into a quandary as to whether or not to go for it. Your decision, of course, eventually gets down to how much you care for this person and how badly you want to see them again. Think about it carefully before saying yea or nay.

V-day countdown!

we still havnt made plans yet.. but keep talking about going away for the weekend.. it will be so great to get away for a few days! butttt also wish we could go to musink withouttttt fighting. man i swear i wish he could read minds.. so he could see how wrong he is. god just thinking about it infuriates me!!!! agh but well nothing i can do except for walk around with a blindfold... sigh.. i hope this can change soon. so much fun for us to have!


Your horoscope for February 9, 2009 Are you contemplating taking a trip, Janice, perhaps to a place you've always dreamed of visiting? Take your pick - Mexico, Peru, Australia, Thailand, Europe. If you're in doubt as to whether or not you'll be able to do it, sit down, work out your budget, and you might be surprised. Invite a friend or romantic partner to accompany you. Such a trip could boost your personal growth like nothing you've ever tried before. Think about it!

lighter days

can still be felt even through the crap. its very hard not to get sucked into his fears and anger. im learning to maintain my patience and trying to work threw this.
i was sad and angry by bees mess up. going to take a lot of work with her too. even though not so great stuff happend.. it was such a great day.

some days

are easier then others.. some of his comments are easier to dodge then others.. but sometimessssss..... i want to fucking scream! sometimes.. i just dont want to take the higher road.. sometimes i want to just fight back! fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk. NOTHING is going to stop me from bettering myself. His hang ups are his! He needs to take responsibility for his fears and actions. I'm trying to take care of mine.!

can i get off this fucking ride already?!

Your horoscope for February 3, 2009 A romantic relationship, whether new or long-term, could be advanced today to the next level of commitment, Janice. The chemistry between the two of you is very strong, and you're compatible on more than one level. And today you'll experience passion like never before! Some intense but honest and very positive discussion about the future of the relationship is likely to take place today - followed by an intimate encounter.

I have to do better

for my self. why keep beating the unwilling.? i have been keeping at it for the sake of love. i keep thinking hes going to see what i see. i keep my heart open for him i keep my will for us strong. but what if its all for nothing? i know this is a chance i took and it seems so worth it. i felt the warmth of his love i peered into the future of us. and now its burried so deep in issues.. i cant help but to feel like a looser having lost it. but somewhere i know its not just my fault. im hurting so much right now. his words sting worse then ever. its so hard to keep my cool. its so hard to not hurt him back. its so hard to keep trying. so hard to see past all his pain. so hard to see the anthony im fighting for. i have to make sure not to loose myself before all of this is done. what ever the outcome is.. i have to stay true to myself. no more of this passive agressive shit.. i have to let my feelings be known even if it means conflict.

my heart

hurts sooooo much... i cant handle much more. hes crushing me. hes going to do everything he can to just finish off my heart. i told his mom i would be strong for him but i dont know what im going to do. everything he says hurts me so much everything he does just kills me. how do i stay so strong for someone who does not want me around? god he hates me. i hate crying. but i cant stop. all these thoughts keep popping into my head. i want them gone. i want him back. what happened. why cant i just have love? all i want to do is love him.