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Wednesday, November 26, 2008


ive been such a fuckin fool. i want us so bad that i swallowed my pride and dignity. i apologized, i begged, i pleaded.. i cried till i couldnt cry anymore. its time i accepted it and let go. i will love him for a long time.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


all i can do is give him time . the thought of loosing him for ever makes me the saddest ive been in a long time. the thought of him being sad makes me even sadder. i know that there is nothing i can do. this battle is his. i know im not a bad person for what i did. i made a mistake a bad judgement call. ive learned and im taking a lot from this relationship. but i really hope he really loves me enough to over come this. he once said we will be together through thick and thin. well this is his test. i really love him. i tried.

Monday, November 24, 2008


so if we don't hate each other and we want to be with each other but there are things in the way that keep us from being with each other what do we do? what is keeping us from each other.?
1. trust.
he has no trust for me. well he never really did. he never gave up the search to find something to validate his mistrust. he made it very hard to enjoy each other more.

i did not make it easy for him to trust me. i lied about something that i shouldn't have had to lie about. i lied because i didn't know what else to do. what i thought was no big deal for me was huge to him. i understand i didn't make it any better. he thinks if i lied about that what else did i lie about. i know how wrong he is to think that because if anything i was most loyal to him. but having been in his shoes before i wouldn't be able to believe me either. hes very focused on the negative. theres really nothing i can do because he looks at the world with completely different eyes then i or most ppl do. so i can apologize till the cows come home and it wont matter until he can forgive me for making a mistake and accept that i didn't do it intentionally to hurt him. i want the world with him. he has the potential to just be my everything. I'm i lacking to much for him? what am i missing? am i seeing things threw eyes that are too rosey?

this split keeps changing on me. its very up and down. my emotions are all over the place. i think that's what his head is like all the time. is leaving as damaging as staying?

absolutely out of my mind

OK something is definitely wrong with me. why why why wont this hope just disappear? why did i almost agree to live under his extremely unrealistic circumstances!? why when EVERYTHING screams for me to go and move on do i keep hoping for an unreasonable miracle? why doesn't my heart get what my brain knows? stupid heart even in pain it wont just Let go.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

i asked for to much..

thats it. i dont care about money big houses or fancy things. this, this right here is all i wanted.


if i had one wish right now it would be to just disappear. i know i cant fight something thats already been decided so i cant wish for that. i want to disappear and come back a year from now. i want to spare my heart, my sanity, my pride this pain. i wish i could hate him. i wish i had a hole to crawl into where nothing reminded me of him. i wish i could erase everything i feel for him, everything we were supposed to be, oh god my heart feels like a heavy lump in my chest. ive been through this before so i know it wont kill be but god does it feel like it. god i changed my mind. i dont want to disappear. i want this to be a really bad dream. i want to wake up in his arms on a saturday morning and lay in bed for hrs just holding eachother talking about nothing. god please make it stop.

Friday, November 21, 2008


if only i can go to sleep and wake up when the pain is over. if only i could erase the last 8 months. if only i could forget everything that i wanted with him. please make it stop. god please make it stop hurting. why why do we have to feel this need. why the fuck do we need to love? why cant i have it? what am i doing so wrong.. i cant stand this. i wish we were different ppl and we could just have what every other couple has. i want us so bad. why why why the fuck couldnt i make it work. i dont want to be alone. i dont want to do this. at least im good at burying emotions. just more to lock up deep down.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

just rip it off..

i didn't want to rip the band aid off fast. i think the pain will be unbearable but the pain of staying longer when i know its over seems too confusing. one min im very aware that i have to go im planning to be alone..... next he touches me, looks at me, talks to me... and i just want to hold on to him and never ever let go. i wish i didnt see him in my future. i wish i hadnt made so many hopeful plans. god i love him.

the end

one week shy of 8 months. its a trip how need and want will make u do things you thought you'd never do. i want us more then anything and i was even willing to put up with all this crap just to be close to what i always wanted. but its just not the right thing for me for him and even for bee. it hurts like a bitch and i dont want to rip the band aid off but even just knowing whats happened has knocked the wind out of me. all i want to do is sleep. wake me when its over.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

oh so crafty!

twistedwebs! spiders.
i made a new bag last night and it looks Great! its inspired me to keep on the creative track! just want to hunt down some awesome fabrics. agh i hate that work interferes with the creative flow!

Monday, November 17, 2008

my challenge

Ive decided to make this relationship my make or break test. I'm not sure if its just because its been so long since i was in a real relationship or if its really always been this hard. but Ive decided to make it my challenge. i want so much for it to work out. Ive always given up when i see its not going my way. i run. running hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm putting up a good fight. this is what i want. I'm going to do everything i can till i have no more kick left in me. i love him.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Rollercoaster ride

i forgot how much of a rollercoaster relationships are... so glad today was a good day. love can sometimes make ur heart soar!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


what the fuck do i do...? im so fucked now. fuk i dont want to miss him. i dont want to think of everything im missing out on from him. i dont want to remember. i dont want to go anywhere that holds him. i dont want to ache. i dont want to answers ppls questions about what happened.
seen this onna other blog .. they say so much of what i feel.

No one can go back and change a bad beginning,but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
Easy is to judge the mistakes of others.Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes.

If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it.If a problem cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

well my blogging days have been short. already a problem. why do some ppl need to know EVERYTHING? whats so wrong with just letting things be? ok let me put myself in his shoes. if he had a journal would i be offended that he wrote in it? no. . he has the right to have his own person feelings. writeing helps me. i know hes not a trusting person but i dont think i should have to pay for his mistrust if i havnt done anything.? i did shit that he didnt like at the begining. i didnt see it as such a bad thing. i wasnt looking at it from his view point. i stopped. and am still paying for it. for how long? hes done plenty for me to hold against him. he says that i do it in other ways. guess i should pay attention to that.. see what i can do. but i dont bagger him everyday. i dont bring things up EVERYDAY. im forcing it with him, i can see it now. he ready for it to be over. i just need to go. i knew from the begining how bad this was all going to be. was a bad start and i thought we could make something good out of it. he had so much of what i want.
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk all of this. fuck it all..... to much
so wasnt so bad. he really didnt want to fight. still didnt change my frustration. and still didnt change anything.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Oh the fucking Monday blues. i want nothing but to climb back in bed and just sleep. wake up and the house is clean, rent and bills are paid . i wish i hadn't messed up my kid as much as i have. wish i was brave enough to talk about it. wish he wasn't so.. so.? not sure what the word is. just fuck let go of shit. I'm not fucking perfect. I'm going to say fucked up things.. just like he does. i just choose to forget them and move on... is that wrong? maybe it is.? maybe i shouldn't be so easy to forget all the hurtful shit he says? its almost lunch. unless he don't come home its not going to be a good lunch. OK so why am i still trying to hide? is it so bad to love sex? is it so bad to have a good imagination when it comes to sex? is it bad that when I'm happy with him i just want it? why is it so hard to think that someone who loves sex so much can be happy with just one guy? i been there done that.. was not satisfying as having my one love... i love having him to come home to or him come home to me. i love having couple things to do. i love saying my man. i love thinking of all that we can become.. but it just fucks with me. like he dangles it in front of me then pulls it away. i want it so bad i can taste it. I'm broken i know. but i don't think it cripples me. I'm realizing more and more how much i affect ppl around me too with the way i am. and well I'm working on it. but I'm not sure this challenge is something that we are ready for? hes helped me.. been very harsh but at least I'm trying to acknowledge my self. and he seems to know exactly what hes doing but not doing a damn thing about it. we are just stuck. are we just causing each other more damage? blah think hes coming home for lunch. better go put my gloves on he fights dirty.

Friday, November 7, 2008

hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away

i remember growing up like is was only yesterday,
mom and daddy tried their best to guide me on my way.
but the hard times and the liquor drove the easy love away,
and the only love i knew about was the hard love.

it was hard love, every hour of the day
when christmas to my birthday was a million years away,
and the fear that came between them drove the tears into my play
there was love in daddys house, but it was hard love.

and i recall the gentle coutesy you gave me as i tried
to dissemble in the politness all the love felt inside.
and for every song of laughter was another song that cried,
this aint no easy weekend, this is hard love.

it was hard love, every step of the way,
hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away,
and when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved today,
there was nothing left to sing about but hard love.

so i loved you for your courage and your gentle sense of shame,
and i loved you for your laughter and your language and you name,
and i knew it was impossible, but i loved you just the same,
though the only love i gave to you was hard love.

it was hard love, it was hard on you i know,
when the only love i gave to you was love i couldnt show.
you forgave the heart that loved you as your lover turned to go,
leaving nothing but the memory of hard love.

so im standing in this phone booth with a dollar and a dime,
wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind,
for the lord's cross might redeem us, but our own just wastes out time,
and to tell the two apart is always hard, love.

so i'll tell you that i love you even though im far away,
and i'll tell you how you change me as i live from day to day,
how you help me to accept myself and i wont forget to say,
love is never wasted, even when it's hard love.

yes its hard love, but its love all the same,
not the stuff of fantasy but more then just a game.
and the only kind of miracle thats worthy of the name,
for the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love. ... ... ... ...........

-bob franke


let my mom down. let my daughter down. let my family down. always let my boyfriend down. all by just being me. no matter how hard i try. wish i could find the reset button. a start over. rewind button? anything. i thought failure was the worst feeling.. frustration is just as bad. to feel like u can never come up for air. worse to think u were up for air and find out it was just an illusion. what i thought was strength was just denial. man o man is karma a bitch. almost funny how true the "what goes around comes around" is. like word for word true. i was this self cautious, insecure, needy woe is me kinda person. making someone pay for my short comings, I'm guessing making their life miserable..and the after product of being on the other side is this cold emoitonless(or at least buried deep enough to seem that way) person. well now i more then understand the impact that that was. its not me anymore but i understand it. being on the other side... god i don't know which feels worse. i do know were just broken ppl. id been alone for years. it sucked. i enjoy loving. but this has been such an awakening. maybe i should just listen to him and go. alone. sucks. but i guess i wont die. its just gonna suck. failure. frustration. disappointment.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

a break...

u ever feel like the real you is just ready to burst out? like the you that you have been all your life is just the you that seems to work for everyone else but you? not that im complaining but theres soooo much more to me then what is on the surface.