webs

Oh the fucking Monday blues. i want nothing but to climb back in bed and just sleep. wake up and the house is clean, rent and bills are paid . i wish i hadn't messed up my kid as much as i have. wish i was brave enough to talk about it. wish he wasn't so.. so.? not sure what the word is. just fuck let go of shit. I'm not fucking perfect. I'm going to say fucked up things.. just like he does. i just choose to forget them and move on... is that wrong? maybe it is.? maybe i shouldn't be so easy to forget all the hurtful shit he says? its almost lunch. unless he don't come home its not going to be a good lunch. OK so why am i still trying to hide? is it so bad to love sex? is it so bad to have a good imagination when it comes to sex? is it bad that when I'm happy with him i just want it? why is it so hard to think that someone who loves sex so much can be happy with just one guy? i been there done that.. was not satisfying as having my one love... i love having him to come home to or him come home to me. i love having couple things to do. i love saying my man. i love thinking of all that we can become.. but it just fucks with me. like he dangles it in front of me then pulls it away. i want it so bad i can taste it. I'm broken i know. but i don't think it cripples me. I'm realizing more and more how much i affect ppl around me too with the way i am. and well I'm working on it. but I'm not sure this challenge is something that we are ready for? hes helped me.. been very harsh but at least I'm trying to acknowledge my self. and he seems to know exactly what hes doing but not doing a damn thing about it. we are just stuck. are we just causing each other more damage? blah think hes coming home for lunch. better go put my gloves on he fights dirty.