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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

good bye 2008!

this year has been a year of big changes. A year of progress. A year a learning. A year of getting to know and understand myself. A year of love. A year of real beginings.. although there were many lows there were just as many high's (haha). id never had such a great birthday. the best reno trip of my life. halloween was the best. my nights were warm and snuggly. my days were full of i loves yous. my daughter is growing and begining to understand more but just the same she doesnt.. but its what we all go through as teens.. but shes healthy and has enough and im thankful shes mine. My sister had a beautiful very health baby girl and is learning about life. My brother had an adorable baby boy and loves and provides for his family. My little brother is learning what its like to be a grown man with responsibilities and seems like hes got it under control.. my mom suffered a huge loss when my grandma died but shes no longer in pain and is in a much better place. my dad well hes still just the same old guy. but seems like hes found a family i guess.. i hope hes ok. good bye 2008. thank you for everything you brought me. thank you for all that i learned. and i welcome 2009 with open arms!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


i just am. not for good. just for now. when does the fight end? does it ever end? get easier? funny how life is huh. just when u think uve found perfect.. it hides behind a hurt/ful wall... it could be so good i was so close i can taste it.. maybe its not meant for me.? we went to bed with i love you's and woke up with i love you's.. how did it turn to what it did?
it sucks to start over. but no point to hang on to something thats never going to be. i will remember only the good.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Angry words mean....

Angry words mean nothing. let them go! let them go right through you.. dont give them a second thought. The only one that can make you happy is yourself. be happy. be patient and understanding. take your own steps to make your self a better you. keep faith and hope that he will follow. love yourself. especially when others cant.

Patience is the greatest of all virtues.

Patience (ˈpā-shənz) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.

Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.
-Brian Adams

monday.. 3days till xmas.

bee is staying at my moms for xmas break. I feel completely.... different. not bad but not good either, i feel almost lost. I've been "mom" for most my life. since bees gone I'm not really on 24/7 mom duty now I'm just Anthony's girlfriend but hes not completely here most the time..

....if the ppl around me define who i am, who am i when they are gone?

I'm reading this book.. this girl grew up to meet every ones expectations. Married her boyfriend(future doctor) because it was the next step to take according to these "expectations". she was a 21yr old teacher at a high school.. teaching kids just a few yrs younger then her.. she hated who she was so she quit being a teacher and went to work at a bar...she got a taste of a totally different life.. so after being married for a few weeks she just cant take staying between the lines and well basically runs away to find out who she really wanted to be.

Anthony has talked about this very thing.. he just wants to take off and .. I'm not sure.. be free? free of responsibilities..? my own fate is already to be a mom. i love bee and i will never regret her. but i do have fantasy's of just taking off.. i wish i could of gone away to college and gotten to experience more of that life.. so I'm well aware that my fantasy will never come true like i used to dream about..but I'm sure i can still live parts of what is plausible? buttttt will that be me? i cant change being the mom janice or any of the other janice's ..? but can i still find me? is there more of me? i like me. i like being mom,sister,daughter,girlfriend,cousin.. ok so i know im me. i think what im missing is just giving myself time for myself...? i give myself to everyone. i think i will just start to take some time for myself., just do janice things. also im hold back because of what others my think or feel about me. for example i want to just do my hair all crazy. but i dont because im afraid of what ppl might thing. so i do safe things. sometimes i want to wear certain things that i dont because i feel ive put myself in this box i have to abide by? i know i cant blame ppl for me not doing what i want.. its my own hang up. i think Anthony taught me that.. but i dont want to do things like he does i still care about ppl and dont want to hurt ppl in any way. but i will start to just do more of what i like.

my new years resolution starting TODAY. Be more ME.. think for myself not go by what i think others want or will think of me. balance myself for me and myself for others. no need to be selfish but no need to forget about janice either.

oh and wipe the slate clean. erase anything i hold against him..i know i cant make him do anything.. but i will wipe the slate clean and start over with Anthony. will try and have more patience. love requires a lot of work.. but the rewards are so worth it.

and with bee.. well thats even more work. and thats a never ending story. but i will change things. i will keep her on a better path. i will be a parent not a friend no matter how hard it is. she is my main purpose in life.
i really want to try church.

Friday, December 19, 2008


today seems ruined. today seems pointless. turn it around. take your time out. i can only take so much.. take a breather and regroup. love openly. be patient. stay calm and build instead of distruct.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

First christmas

This is our first christmas tree together. Has been a bit of a struggle to get to this but they say anything worth having is worth the work. I believe it with all my heart.

tuesday... take two..

Today will be a great day! i will love and be patient! i am human and its ok to make mistakes. apologize. listen. and try to do better.

Monday, December 15, 2008


It was a great/rough weekend. Had some great moments that i will remember for ever and other moments that i will erase. Today im not going to plan for tomorrow. Today im taking just today. Today i will be patient. Today I will just love. No matter what i will have a good day..

Christmas is less then two weeks away. We have a Beautiful tree up. Our stockings are hung.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

self control

hang tight... go forward not backwards.. dont get baited in... dont let anger distruct . let go of anger... grow. self control. self control self control. dont blow up. be constructive. self control self control self control self control self control. i still hate her. shes nothing. nothing to me. let go. she is no one. let go.. self control. she cant harm me. let go. she is nothing. self control. die.. sorry no let go. self control. release anger in a constructive manner. what do i do. go wash ur clothes. get your mind clear. walk. self control.

dear god..

i dont know anymore who to believe in... but i want to believe so bad that u are the best thing to believe in... please help me through this.. my heart is soooo full of hate at the moment.. guide me through this.. dont let me do something stupid... please direct my anger to something positive.. please dont let me cause harm. please god please i dont want to be the person i used to be.. please dont let me cause harm.. please help me... make me better.... dont let me do what i want to do.. please god i just want to be better please direct my thoughts .... im so tired of going backwards... let me grow.. help me grow... i want to hurt her so bad... i know she is not worth all this hate... but god i cant help but want to cause her the pain that i feel right now... i want to wish so much bad on her right now.. i dont want to be that person... help me please... help me deal with this... calm down.. breathe.. stop... this is wrong. shes a small person.. she hates herself. why does he have to hang on? letting go i know is so hard. personal experience. its scary to let go of what youve always know.. its hard to grow.. she is his pacifier. she is not going to let him grow... she is an ancor. she is his safety net. fuk ok i know its hard for him... and god im trying not to take this personal... but i cant let it be. what do i do.. ? stand by.. ? one thing is for her to be fucking with me.. that i can let go.. but him not having my back on this i cant let go of. if alissa did something like that to mess with us that would make her a bad friend and yes if she apologized maybe i might forgive her... but its not the first time she has done this? .. that is not a friend. its up to him. i love him and will stand by his side always. but i cant let him just think it ok to when he is in the wrong. im scared of losing him because of the way he overreacts but i have to let him know when hes in the wrong too. and if i loose him because of it then he never loved me enough. theres still pain.. but not anger or confusion.. thank you.

Monday, December 8, 2008


his text this morning made me feel great!..

i was going to put our pics back up on myspace.. (i took them down cuz they made me cry to see them) and i was going to comment him when i seen three comments from some girl... flirty comments.. my heart sank.. my body tensed.. im so scared now. i wasnt this scared before all the crap went down.. its like i feel damaged now. like he will toss me aside anytime he wants to.. he said to me before... he was always looking for the next best... but he didnt feel like that with me.. fuk theres always going to be someone better.. we are going to take lots of work.. what if he gives up? what if im putting all my everything into this and he gives up? what if some "better" chick crosses his path .. what will he do? i love him. i want the world for us. im going to do everything to be the best person i can be.. for us to build a strong strong foundation. we are so great when we are good.. we deserve eachother.

Friday, December 5, 2008

thoughts v's feelings

yesterday i was feeling really good.. i was thinking very positive. i wanted to look as good as i felt.. i wanted anthony to be proud of his gf.. i wasnt expecting tons of compliments just i guess the acknoledgment that i made an effort to look good for him.. but i guess he takes it inna wrong way. like im doing it to impress other guys? maybe he even thought i was going to see someone else? i dont know.. it made me really sad that my good intentions are taken the wrong way.. i just want to look good walking next to him holding his hand.. so i felt really dumb for having gotten all done up.. but it was a reation to his reaction, i see it from his side and its just because his thoughts were wrong.. he didnt mean to hurt me. but it was hard to shake the gloom. i think i just get really scared that hes gonna flip again. hes very hard to bring back after going onna negative track. everytime he grasps on to something meaningless and runs with it. hes so set on me hurting him that he makes up his own reasons for something that dont mean anything? i know hes not a trusting person and i know i lied and it only made things worse. buy why? why would someone WANT to push? make the bad things in their head come true. ? like i have my doubts about him.. i get scared when he leaves to his friends house.. but only cuz of how he used to come see me when he was still with her... but i dont want to believe that he would do that to me.. not now? not yet? i know we have our rough times but he loves me right? why would he cheat on me now.. he loves me.. why cant he just think that way? i love him.. i really do.. i want all the stuff we talk about.. all the stuff we dream about. with him by my side.. life feels so good.. its so frustrating that he dont get it. but sometimes i do get it. he knows how he is but he dont know how i am.. he just goes by what hes seen. but i know everything hes seen isnt bad? why dont he focus on whats good about me then whats been bad? he said hes always had a gut feeling about me. that kills me. a gut feeling that im going to hurt him. thats how i come across? i feel hopeless today. i cant stay on the rollercoaster hes on. i have to maybe try to stay off? but how do i do that and keep him? i dont want to let him down. i dont want to loose him. i dont want to loose us. can i stay by his side and help and not loose myself? this up and down with him isnt right. like my mood.. my happiness depends on how it goes with him... it shouldnt be like that right? i want him to depend on me and me to depend on him.. but there has to be a line to where we each can stand on our own? god sometimes it feels like a winable fight.. othertimes im so scared that it wont matter how much of a fight i put up.. i love him.. i will fight for us.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Working towords a new life.....

im 29 years old. ive lived life the best that ive known how. ive made many many mistakes. ive tried to make the best of what i have of what is. ive lived strong and gaurded around so many fears. fears that have held me back. ive always felt like there is so much more to me. ive gone about life so wrong because of fear. i fear not being liked not being loved. i fear being judged. i fear being alone. i fear being ridiculed. i fear shame. i fear indifferance. i fear being hurt. i fear being toyed with. i fear lack of progression. i fear disappointment. i fear failure. im not always scared.. there have been times in my life when i feel so positive and alive and all my fears mean nothing.. i think it was mostly when i was actually trying to do something positive with my life. when i was in school. when i was being active. when i was healthier. thats it. ive been in the dumps for to long. i want to be a good person. i want to do good things. i want to love fully and be loved fully. i want to be a great mother. a great sister. a great daughter. a great friend. i want to be able to feel free to openly express myself. i want to create. i want to make things. i want to be fun and goofy. i want to enjoy life. ive lied to myself for to long. my life is not a waste. im not here just to pass time. im here to leave a mark. im here to live this only life i get. ive always felt like because of where i come from means im never going to make it more then what it was.. ive been ashamed and so ive never tried. ive judged myself. i beat myself up with out a cause. but how do i turn everything ive known for the past 29 years around and make it better? im guessing slowly..take real initiative to make changes in my day to day life... maybe make a plan? commit myself to bettering my life. bees life. my hopeful life with anthony.. anthony. hmm i know i myself cant change anyone.. but hes inspired me to be someone better someone ive always wanted to be.. i want to inspire him. he is a great person when he wants to be. he has so many fears.. but i just hope hes ready for change as much as i am. this blog is all over the place.. but i just feel like im on the brink of something great.. my mind is all over the place. so much is just unraveling yet falling into place.. i have hope. im being honest with myself. im going to bring more to my life.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


ive been such a fuckin fool. i want us so bad that i swallowed my pride and dignity. i apologized, i begged, i pleaded.. i cried till i couldnt cry anymore. its time i accepted it and let go. i will love him for a long time.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


all i can do is give him time . the thought of loosing him for ever makes me the saddest ive been in a long time. the thought of him being sad makes me even sadder. i know that there is nothing i can do. this battle is his. i know im not a bad person for what i did. i made a mistake a bad judgement call. ive learned and im taking a lot from this relationship. but i really hope he really loves me enough to over come this. he once said we will be together through thick and thin. well this is his test. i really love him. i tried.

Monday, November 24, 2008


so if we don't hate each other and we want to be with each other but there are things in the way that keep us from being with each other what do we do? what is keeping us from each other.?
1. trust.
he has no trust for me. well he never really did. he never gave up the search to find something to validate his mistrust. he made it very hard to enjoy each other more.

i did not make it easy for him to trust me. i lied about something that i shouldn't have had to lie about. i lied because i didn't know what else to do. what i thought was no big deal for me was huge to him. i understand i didn't make it any better. he thinks if i lied about that what else did i lie about. i know how wrong he is to think that because if anything i was most loyal to him. but having been in his shoes before i wouldn't be able to believe me either. hes very focused on the negative. theres really nothing i can do because he looks at the world with completely different eyes then i or most ppl do. so i can apologize till the cows come home and it wont matter until he can forgive me for making a mistake and accept that i didn't do it intentionally to hurt him. i want the world with him. he has the potential to just be my everything. I'm i lacking to much for him? what am i missing? am i seeing things threw eyes that are too rosey?

this split keeps changing on me. its very up and down. my emotions are all over the place. i think that's what his head is like all the time. is leaving as damaging as staying?

absolutely out of my mind

OK something is definitely wrong with me. why why why wont this hope just disappear? why did i almost agree to live under his extremely unrealistic circumstances!? why when EVERYTHING screams for me to go and move on do i keep hoping for an unreasonable miracle? why doesn't my heart get what my brain knows? stupid heart even in pain it wont just Let go.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

i asked for to much..

thats it. i dont care about money big houses or fancy things. this, this right here is all i wanted.


if i had one wish right now it would be to just disappear. i know i cant fight something thats already been decided so i cant wish for that. i want to disappear and come back a year from now. i want to spare my heart, my sanity, my pride this pain. i wish i could hate him. i wish i had a hole to crawl into where nothing reminded me of him. i wish i could erase everything i feel for him, everything we were supposed to be, oh god my heart feels like a heavy lump in my chest. ive been through this before so i know it wont kill be but god does it feel like it. god i changed my mind. i dont want to disappear. i want this to be a really bad dream. i want to wake up in his arms on a saturday morning and lay in bed for hrs just holding eachother talking about nothing. god please make it stop.

Friday, November 21, 2008


if only i can go to sleep and wake up when the pain is over. if only i could erase the last 8 months. if only i could forget everything that i wanted with him. please make it stop. god please make it stop hurting. why why do we have to feel this need. why the fuck do we need to love? why cant i have it? what am i doing so wrong.. i cant stand this. i wish we were different ppl and we could just have what every other couple has. i want us so bad. why why why the fuck couldnt i make it work. i dont want to be alone. i dont want to do this. at least im good at burying emotions. just more to lock up deep down.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

just rip it off..

i didn't want to rip the band aid off fast. i think the pain will be unbearable but the pain of staying longer when i know its over seems too confusing. one min im very aware that i have to go im planning to be alone..... next he touches me, looks at me, talks to me... and i just want to hold on to him and never ever let go. i wish i didnt see him in my future. i wish i hadnt made so many hopeful plans. god i love him.

the end

one week shy of 8 months. its a trip how need and want will make u do things you thought you'd never do. i want us more then anything and i was even willing to put up with all this crap just to be close to what i always wanted. but its just not the right thing for me for him and even for bee. it hurts like a bitch and i dont want to rip the band aid off but even just knowing whats happened has knocked the wind out of me. all i want to do is sleep. wake me when its over.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

oh so crafty!

twistedwebs! spiders.
i made a new bag last night and it looks Great! its inspired me to keep on the creative track! just want to hunt down some awesome fabrics. agh i hate that work interferes with the creative flow!

Monday, November 17, 2008

my challenge

Ive decided to make this relationship my make or break test. I'm not sure if its just because its been so long since i was in a real relationship or if its really always been this hard. but Ive decided to make it my challenge. i want so much for it to work out. Ive always given up when i see its not going my way. i run. running hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm putting up a good fight. this is what i want. I'm going to do everything i can till i have no more kick left in me. i love him.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Rollercoaster ride

i forgot how much of a rollercoaster relationships are... so glad today was a good day. love can sometimes make ur heart soar!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


what the fuck do i do...? im so fucked now. fuk i dont want to miss him. i dont want to think of everything im missing out on from him. i dont want to remember. i dont want to go anywhere that holds him. i dont want to ache. i dont want to answers ppls questions about what happened.
seen this onna other blog .. they say so much of what i feel.

No one can go back and change a bad beginning,but anyone can start now and create a successful ending.
Easy is to judge the mistakes of others.Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes.

If a problem can be solved, no need to worry about it.If a problem cannot be solved what is the use of worrying?

well my blogging days have been short. already a problem. why do some ppl need to know EVERYTHING? whats so wrong with just letting things be? ok let me put myself in his shoes. if he had a journal would i be offended that he wrote in it? no. . he has the right to have his own person feelings. writeing helps me. i know hes not a trusting person but i dont think i should have to pay for his mistrust if i havnt done anything.? i did shit that he didnt like at the begining. i didnt see it as such a bad thing. i wasnt looking at it from his view point. i stopped. and am still paying for it. for how long? hes done plenty for me to hold against him. he says that i do it in other ways. guess i should pay attention to that.. see what i can do. but i dont bagger him everyday. i dont bring things up EVERYDAY. im forcing it with him, i can see it now. he ready for it to be over. i just need to go. i knew from the begining how bad this was all going to be. was a bad start and i thought we could make something good out of it. he had so much of what i want.
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk all of this. fuck it all..... to much
so wasnt so bad. he really didnt want to fight. still didnt change my frustration. and still didnt change anything.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Oh the fucking Monday blues. i want nothing but to climb back in bed and just sleep. wake up and the house is clean, rent and bills are paid . i wish i hadn't messed up my kid as much as i have. wish i was brave enough to talk about it. wish he wasn't so.. so.? not sure what the word is. just fuck let go of shit. I'm not fucking perfect. I'm going to say fucked up things.. just like he does. i just choose to forget them and move on... is that wrong? maybe it is.? maybe i shouldn't be so easy to forget all the hurtful shit he says? its almost lunch. unless he don't come home its not going to be a good lunch. OK so why am i still trying to hide? is it so bad to love sex? is it so bad to have a good imagination when it comes to sex? is it bad that when I'm happy with him i just want it? why is it so hard to think that someone who loves sex so much can be happy with just one guy? i been there done that.. was not satisfying as having my one love... i love having him to come home to or him come home to me. i love having couple things to do. i love saying my man. i love thinking of all that we can become.. but it just fucks with me. like he dangles it in front of me then pulls it away. i want it so bad i can taste it. I'm broken i know. but i don't think it cripples me. I'm realizing more and more how much i affect ppl around me too with the way i am. and well I'm working on it. but I'm not sure this challenge is something that we are ready for? hes helped me.. been very harsh but at least I'm trying to acknowledge my self. and he seems to know exactly what hes doing but not doing a damn thing about it. we are just stuck. are we just causing each other more damage? blah think hes coming home for lunch. better go put my gloves on he fights dirty.

Friday, November 7, 2008

hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away

i remember growing up like is was only yesterday,
mom and daddy tried their best to guide me on my way.
but the hard times and the liquor drove the easy love away,
and the only love i knew about was the hard love.

it was hard love, every hour of the day
when christmas to my birthday was a million years away,
and the fear that came between them drove the tears into my play
there was love in daddys house, but it was hard love.

and i recall the gentle coutesy you gave me as i tried
to dissemble in the politness all the love felt inside.
and for every song of laughter was another song that cried,
this aint no easy weekend, this is hard love.

it was hard love, every step of the way,
hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away,
and when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved today,
there was nothing left to sing about but hard love.

so i loved you for your courage and your gentle sense of shame,
and i loved you for your laughter and your language and you name,
and i knew it was impossible, but i loved you just the same,
though the only love i gave to you was hard love.

it was hard love, it was hard on you i know,
when the only love i gave to you was love i couldnt show.
you forgave the heart that loved you as your lover turned to go,
leaving nothing but the memory of hard love.

so im standing in this phone booth with a dollar and a dime,
wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind,
for the lord's cross might redeem us, but our own just wastes out time,
and to tell the two apart is always hard, love.

so i'll tell you that i love you even though im far away,
and i'll tell you how you change me as i live from day to day,
how you help me to accept myself and i wont forget to say,
love is never wasted, even when it's hard love.

yes its hard love, but its love all the same,
not the stuff of fantasy but more then just a game.
and the only kind of miracle thats worthy of the name,
for the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love. ... ... ... ...........

-bob franke


let my mom down. let my daughter down. let my family down. always let my boyfriend down. all by just being me. no matter how hard i try. wish i could find the reset button. a start over. rewind button? anything. i thought failure was the worst feeling.. frustration is just as bad. to feel like u can never come up for air. worse to think u were up for air and find out it was just an illusion. what i thought was strength was just denial. man o man is karma a bitch. almost funny how true the "what goes around comes around" is. like word for word true. i was this self cautious, insecure, needy woe is me kinda person. making someone pay for my short comings, I'm guessing making their life miserable..and the after product of being on the other side is this cold emoitonless(or at least buried deep enough to seem that way) person. well now i more then understand the impact that that was. its not me anymore but i understand it. being on the other side... god i don't know which feels worse. i do know were just broken ppl. id been alone for years. it sucked. i enjoy loving. but this has been such an awakening. maybe i should just listen to him and go. alone. sucks. but i guess i wont die. its just gonna suck. failure. frustration. disappointment.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

a break...

u ever feel like the real you is just ready to burst out? like the you that you have been all your life is just the you that seems to work for everyone else but you? not that im complaining but theres soooo much more to me then what is on the surface.