thoughts v's feelings

yesterday i was feeling really good.. i was thinking very positive. i wanted to look as good as i felt.. i wanted anthony to be proud of his gf.. i wasnt expecting tons of compliments just i guess the acknoledgment that i made an effort to look good for him.. but i guess he takes it inna wrong way. like im doing it to impress other guys? maybe he even thought i was going to see someone else? i dont know.. it made me really sad that my good intentions are taken the wrong way.. i just want to look good walking next to him holding his hand.. so i felt really dumb for having gotten all done up.. but it was a reation to his reaction, i see it from his side and its just because his thoughts were wrong.. he didnt mean to hurt me. but it was hard to shake the gloom. i think i just get really scared that hes gonna flip again. hes very hard to bring back after going onna negative track. everytime he grasps on to something meaningless and runs with it. hes so set on me hurting him that he makes up his own reasons for something that dont mean anything? i know hes not a trusting person and i know i lied and it only made things worse. buy why? why would someone WANT to push? make the bad things in their head come true. ? like i have my doubts about him.. i get scared when he leaves to his friends house.. but only cuz of how he used to come see me when he was still with her... but i dont want to believe that he would do that to me.. not now? not yet? i know we have our rough times but he loves me right? why would he cheat on me now.. he loves me.. why cant he just think that way? i love him.. i really do.. i want all the stuff we talk about.. all the stuff we dream about. with him by my side.. life feels so good.. its so frustrating that he dont get it. but sometimes i do get it. he knows how he is but he dont know how i am.. he just goes by what hes seen. but i know everything hes seen isnt bad? why dont he focus on whats good about me then whats been bad? he said hes always had a gut feeling about me. that kills me. a gut feeling that im going to hurt him. thats how i come across? i feel hopeless today. i cant stay on the rollercoaster hes on. i have to maybe try to stay off? but how do i do that and keep him? i dont want to let him down. i dont want to loose him. i dont want to loose us. can i stay by his side and help and not loose myself? this up and down with him isnt right. like my mood.. my happiness depends on how it goes with him... it shouldnt be like that right? i want him to depend on me and me to depend on him.. but there has to be a line to where we each can stand on our own? god sometimes it feels like a winable fight.. othertimes im so scared that it wont matter how much of a fight i put up.. i love him.. i will fight for us.