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Thursday, January 29, 2009

getting things done

another somewhat productive night. tonight is recovery group. i HAVE to go.

Your horoscope for January 29, 2009
Get yourself grounded today, Janice. Lay a solid foundation for the future. This is a very critical time in which you must think realistically about your future success. Realize that you must incorporate an element of restriction in your life before your dreams can be actualized. Today is one of those days in which you can fuse together a powerful combination of fantasy and reality in order to build success.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

last night

was pretty.. emotional buffet-ish!. sooooo much going on with both of us. both dealing with things in our own ways.. mostly getting it wrong.. the out come will always be unknown.. but sometimes leans to the lighterside of life..walls down, fingers crossed, hearts exposed.

Your lovescope for January 28, 2009
Don't waste a minute hanging onto regrets, as they will only weigh you down unnecessarily. The planetary constellation encourages you to let go of anything that is holding you back, and to take a positive step forward. You will attract a far better relationship if you can leave old emotional baggage out of the picture and focus instead on what you do want.

show me what im looking for

wait, i'm wrong should've done better than this please, i'll be strong i'm finding it hard to resist so show me what i'm looking for save me, i'm lost oh lord i've been waiting for you i'll pay any cost save me from being confused show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for oh lord don't let go i've wanted this far too long mistakes become regrets i've learned to love abuse please show me what i'm looking for save me, im lost oh lord i've been waiting for you i'll pay any cost save me from being confused show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for oh lord show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for save me, im lost oh lord i've been waiting for you i'll pay any cost to save me from being confused wait, i'm wrong i can't do better than this i'll pay any cost save me from being confused show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for show me what i'm looking for oh lord

-carolina liar.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

because i laughed

that's what triggered him? but he was going off before i laughed? i laughed in part yes to make him mad (my bad for resorting to such childish behavior but I'm at a loss with him) but also because i was outraged.. stunned.. i couldn't believe that's what he was mad about. me and bee shower to long? had he never had to pay a bill? does he not know about bills? the water was only 30bucks.?

OK he says i put all off on him and that makes him angry. OK how do i take on my part? what do i need to say? do? i shouldn't of laughed.. yes i know. it was a bad reaction. what now? he keeps saying these things these reasons why i should just go but they are his reasons not mine. says that's how i make him feel. is that how I'm coming off? or is it his perception? is his perception skewed? or am i really that bad to him?

money. i cant just let it go. i think its not fair. but its a very touchy subject. i dont know what takes precedence right now. but it angers me so much that i got fucked over.


i need help.! how can i turn my back on someone i love?? i dont even know if i can help him.. but i cant stand the thought of not trying.

damn him

damn me. i miss him so much. just stupid little things. i just want to rip my fucking heart out. i don't want to feel. if yesterday is really him i don't want to be around him. keep me strong. i deserve something better.


crazy dreams! i love sleep! better i love my crazy dreams! i wish i hadnt woken up! i remember some of it but as soon as i wanted to remember the rest it was gone.. but man was it crazy! car chases tattoos hawaii! crazy crazy crazy!

Your horoscope for January 27, 2009
Being married to someone for fifty years takes work, Janice, and no one said it was going to be easy. Hollywood seems to be the one exception to the rule. These people promote a fantasyland that makes our own lives look pathetic, drab and boring. Realize that your life can be just as good and interesting, if not better. Today is a good day to prepare for future growth.
:( dunno bout all that.. future right now well at least the future of my love looks bleak. :(

Monday, January 26, 2009


fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anger Vs. Rage


angry fury; violent anger.
a fit of violent anger.
fury or violence of wind, waves, fire, disease, etc.
violence of feeling, desire, or appetite: the rage of thirst.
a violent desire or passion.
ardor; fervor; enthusiasm: poetic rage.
the object of widespread enthusiasm, as for being popular or fashionable: Raccoon coats were the rage on campus.
insanity. –verb (used without object)
to act or speak with fury; show or feel violent anger; fulminate.
to move, rush, dash, or surge furiously.
to proceed, continue, or prevail with great violence: The battle raged ten days.
(of feelings, opinions, etc.) to hold sway with unabated violence.

im beyond angry. i have so much horrible in me right now. so much evil right under the surface its not going to take much to get me to burst. best thing for me to do is stay away.. we cant both be destructive. its over fine. wants to be petty like that fine. its over because of the "water bill" FINE! why the fuck am i tormenting me self? trying not to give up on him.. trying to be strong enough for him.. fuck it.. i need to be strong enough for myself! hes right he is a pleague, and i need to get out before i become just like him. i love him but i have to love myself more. sooo fucking funny its over again just before what would have been our anniversary! fuck him fuck all of this shit!


church... was pretty great..ran into my tia mary! tonight is small group. i really want to go.

Your horoscope for January 26, 2009
Feel free to be quick to point out when an injustice has been made, Janice. If someone says something that is offensive or untrue, do not sit back and let it slide. By doing so, you are just as much at fault as the person who offended in the first place. When you know you are right, say so. It is important that others listen to and respect you. Your honest nature and good sense of morals are extremely important qualities, and should be recognized accordingly

Saturday, January 24, 2009

power of love..

sounds as corny as it can get but i had an overwhelming feeling of it last night. im not sure exactly how it came about but i think what triggered it was when he said hey we did it on those couches.. something about it.. like almost felt like remember all that first fresh love...? then we were just us again. i wasnt mad and he was nice and tender. then we came home and it just felt great i wanted to hold him and not let go. he said something dont remember what but had it been anyother day i would have been infuriated.. but i didnt even flinch i just wanted to love him regardless. it felt really good. i wish i could find that feeling when things get rough... it softens me. keeps me nice and tame. allows me patience.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

to much fucking work

no amount of love is worth all this turmoil! i used to think as long as we love each other all the other shit will just fall into place! i was good to him i was faithful... nothing changed it only gets worse and worse. now im just mean and hateful just like him. love.. fuck love.. love shouldn't be like this. at this point im ready to go. just have to get my ducks in order and not let him lead me away from my goal. don't spend money that u don't have to! no fast food. no $40 trips to the movies! no more pot! fuck this shit! agh all this being said god if only a miracle would change him id take it all back for a chance to just love him.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

my happiness

depends on me and me only. i cant fix anyone and no one can fix me. cant force happiness.. just hope it happens. im a great person and deserve the best. dont become what you hate. dont stoop down to unhappy ppls level. love life. let go of hate. :)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

For gods sake hold your tongue

it took enormous amouts of strength to keep the hate from spewing out this would be wonderful morning.. i wanted to be up early to get my day started. i wanted to get stuff done. i wanted to get chores done meals planned laundry washed just get things done. of course if ideas are not run by him first then anything out of the "normal routine" is some kind of deception. one thing is to shit on me.. but to bring my daughter into it is soooo far over the line. i know ive been direspectful to him when heated.. but i use empty words. theres things i can say that i know would hurt.. things i know would match the shit he calls me.. and i dont use them, i wouldnt.. it would be too fucked up and hurtful things that can never be taken back things that are unexcusable. just like the things he says to me. hes getting worse. if i put up with this now he will just keep pushing. most of the time i can forgive his words but i will never forget them. what he said this morning is unforgivable. if there is one thing you never fuck with is a mothers child. i will not resort to use hate. Hate is a reaction to Fear. Hurting is a reaction to Pain.

The following are common traits hurt people display in their interactions with others.
I. Hurt people often transfer their inner anger onto their family and close friends

* • Often those around them become the recipients of harsh tones and fits of rage because they have unknowingly become the vicarious recipients of transferred rage.

II. Hurt people interpret every word spoken to them through the prism of their pain

* • Because of their pain, ordinary words are often misinterpreted to mean something negative towards them. * • Because of this, they are extremely sensitive and act out of pain instead of reality.

III. Hurt people interpret every action through the prism of their pain

* • Their emotional pain causes them to suspect wrong motives or evil intent behind other people’s actions towards them.

IV. Hurt people often portray themselves as victims and carry a “victim spirit”

* • Often hurt people can cry “racism,” “sexism,” “homophobia,” or often use the words “unjust” or “unfair” to describe the way they are being treated, even if there is no truth to this. (That is not to say that sometimes there really is racism or sexism in some instances; this is just used as an example.)

* • Hurt people have a hard time entering into a trusting relationship.

* • Hurt people often carry around a suspicious spirit.

V. Hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them

* • They often continually hurt the ones they love and need the most with their self-destructive behavior.

VI. Hurt people have the emotional maturity of the age they received their (un-dealt with) hurt

* • For example, if a girl was raped by a man when she was 12 years old, unless she forgives that man and allows Christ to heal her heart and allay her fears, in that particular area of her life (sexuality with a man) her emotional growth will stop; even when she reaches her later years she may still have the emotional maturity of a 12 year-old.

VII. Hurt people are often frustrated and depressed because past pain continually spills over into their present consciousness

* • In many instances, they may not even be aware of why they are continually frustrated or depressed because they have coped with pain by compartmentalizing it or layering it over with other things over time.

VIII. Hurt people often erupt with inappropriate emotion because particular words, actions, or circumstances “touch” and “trigger” past woundedness

* • I have been in situations with people in which there was a gross overreaction to a word I spoke or an action that was taken. Although I was shocked and thought this reaction came “out of left field” it was really the person responding to an accumulation of years of hurt and pain that could not help but spill over in various situations.

* • I myself have been in situations where I felt hurt, troubled, or overreacted to something because it touched a nerve with what I was still dealing with because of a wound I received in the past. In these situations I have attempted to reason through the situation as objectively as I can with much prayer and introspection so I would not say or do anything damaging to another person or myself.

IX. Hurt people often occupy themselves with busyness, work, performance, and/or accomplishments as a way of compensating for low self-esteem

X. Hurt people often attempt to medicate themselves with excessive entertainment, drugs, alcohol, pornography, sexual relationships, or hobbies as a way to forget their pain and run from reality

XI. Hurt people have learned to accommodate their private “false self” or “dark side” which causes them to be duplicitous and lack integrity

* • Often their private life is different from their public life, which causes hypocrisy and compounds feelings of guilt, condemnation, and depression.

XII. Hurt people are often self-absorbed with their own pain and are unaware that they are hurting other people

* • They are often insensitive to other people because their emotional pain limits their capacity for empathy and their capacity for self-awareness.

* • I have been in numerous situations when someone hurt me and kept on going in the relationship without ever apologizing because they had no clue what they were doing.

XIV. God often purposely surfaces pain so hurt people can face reality
* • Whether it is because of a marriage problem, or continual personal conflicts on the job, God often allows conflict and spillover because he wants the infection to stop spreading and the person to be healed.

* • I have noticed that these periods of surfacing woundedness often take place when people transition into the mid-life years of their upper thirties and later. Perhaps this is because by then they are old enough to understand by experience that there is something wrong and also that it is not too late to redeem their pain and restore relationships and maximize their purpose. Rarely is a person able or even willing to deal with and face pain when they hit their senior years (in their sixties or older). Most at this age have already become cynical, hard-hearted, and/or become so depressed they have become hopeless even though God is able to help them at any age.

XV. Hurt people need to forgive to be released and restored to freedom
* • The Gospel of St. John 20:23 says that we have to release the sins of others if we are going to be released. This means that if we do not forgive others then the very thing we have become victimized with will become a part of our life. For example, alcoholic fathers breed alcoholic sons if their sons do not forgive and release their fathers.

* • The good news is that, through the efficacious blood of Christ, we can all be healed and set free from all past hurts so we can comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4).
Truly our mess can become our message!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

tra la la my day :)

man.. i tra la la my day huh... boy if he only knew the torment my days can be if i let them... fuk sorry i don't cry about EVERY SINGLE thing 90% of the fucking time..... ok i might be exaggerating but it sure fucking feels like it! he wants to be honest and he dont want keep nothing in.. thats his bad to dwell on it... and yeah my fault for not telling him my "fucking feelings " alllllll the fucking time... but not so easy to let someone so destructive, in! laugh all you want... i know you. i was you. manipulative and so full of fear.. you think being cold and rude helps you gaurd your feelings your self.. but u only hate yourself more. ... i know what your questions mean i know what your looks mean i know what your anger means i know why its so easy for you to hate.. i know why its so easy for you to direct your hate towards me... i could so easily match you.. i could so easily truely hurt.. but thats not me any more.. thats not my goal.. all i want to fucking do is freely love. i dont want to hurt or cheat or destruct.. all i want to do is fucking love....

trust. i trust hes not fucking anyone. i trust that if im not giving him a reason to fuck around then he wont fuck around.
trust. with out it... not gonna work
understanding. im trying. god knows im trying.
the home. we both work we both have to eaqually pitch in.! whats in the home while we are together is "ours". both share equal responsibily for the house and everything in it.!
possesions: we both bring things to the table.> anything we individually bring become ours unless there is a break-up. we leave with what we came in with. if anything was bought together with BOTH our monies.. it belongs to both and needs to be settled upon.
monies. we both work we both pitch in with common expenses but also both are allowed to have our OWN money. allowed to buy what ever we need what ever we WANT to so long as the "house needs" are being met. must not dwell on the petty shit!
family. means everything to me. issues and all. i opened my family to him.. but not to be criticized! im learning to not let them get me down. im learning i cant try to make them all happy at my ex pence.
family. something went down in his. something I'm scared to find out. makes me feel hopeless for him.. i wish they were better together
friends. i dont really have true friends anymore except for Alissa. i wish i was a better friend. i wish i wasn't so selfish.
friends. i don't know about him.
social life. im ok not partying all the time. having guy friends mean nothing to me. only one that was worth keeping around ive pretty much said good bye too..but i wish i could hang out with alissa more. i don't so i wont cause drama between him and i(distance keeps me away too though) or even to be able to go out with my sister shopping to the movies what ever with out getting grilled/accused about everything. feel like i have to come home and report to my dad. a girls night would be so great every once inna while. i wish we could have ppl over more often. his friends n family, my friends family, what ever just be more social. i wish we could of joined the bowling team like we had talked about. or just go out and do more together. i wish we could of gone to school together.
social life. seems like theres to much risk for him. ? i dont know.
respect. there is VERY little left. we crossed the line long time ago. we cuss.. we are very disrespectful to each other.
definitions. words have very different meanings to us. actions have very different meanings to us. especially since we are both up in arms.
my daughter. ive done so much wrong with her and im truly trying to change it. consistency is hard. but im trying. bee is all mine and will always be my first priority. pushing the issues with me is being counter active. i would never expect him to "support" her in any kind of way. but if roles were turned around i would do for his kid as if he were my own.
his son. makes me so sad and scared. its sooo beyond anything i can ever do. i feel VERY powerless. i wish she could just grow up. theres things i dont understand things i dont even dare to ask. this is his and only his decision. all i can do is try to be more supportive.
communication. used to be much better. we wanted to make things work and we cooperated..


was good... felt like when we first started going out.. he couldnt wait to see me.. and i wanted to see him too.. but then i felt on the edge.. i guess just like he explained how he felt good but felt like he was holding a door closed.. and if a pebble stumbled him the door would open and everything would come flooding out.. god how does someone live like that? i know exactly how he feels though and i dont want to put it all off on him but my worries are nothing... they are things id rather just move on from.. am i trying to stay in the dark because id doubt hes really done anything horrible or do i stay in the dark cuz i dont want to have to act on the truth of what hes done? i have to believe he hasnt done anything horrible. if i believe otherwise i will drive myself nuts before its definately over. i dont think i would ever put up with him cheating. fuk that life is way to short to waste more time on someone who could do that to me.

money is going to become an issue.. just because i make more of it does not mean i should carry the bigger load. i dont want to be a tight ass with money but shit i want to get out of debt too.. i want to be able to buy the stuff that i want too.. we both need to get on the same page cuz theres no way this is going to be fair.

Friday, January 9, 2009

so excited!

my red rose and skull purse is getting great reviews!!!! im so excited all i want to do is sew!!! this has me so pumped up! this makes me very happy!

Sun Sign: Gemini
May 21Edit your Profile
Today Tomorrow This Week This Month
Rising Sign
Your horoscope for January 9, 2009
You are at a creative high point right now, so make sure to nurture this side of your being, Janice. It could be, however, that you are in danger of running into a stumbling block. Try not to get discouraged. Instead, it may be best for you to reflect on what you have done in the past. Enjoy emotional stability today instead of letting your emotions jump around from one thing to the next.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


Sun Sign: Gemini
May 21Edit your Profile
Today Tomorrow This Week This Month
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Your horoscope for January 8, 2009
Financial benefits may come your way through channels you would never have dreamed of. This could have to do with investments, settlements or insurance benefits. Pleasant recurring dreams may come your way, Janice, bringing insights into your past and therefore giving rise to a new self-awareness. Someone from the past whom you haven't seen for a long time may suddenly reappear, and this should be a pleasant surprise.

i keep thinking about my money.. ive been so bad with it because first i get lazy and dont plan out meals in time and end up buying fast food(hurts my pocket and out health!) and second im not organized enough. i need to set a budget and stick with it. we should have tons of money living here.. all we pay is pg&e, gas and food. if i can just tighten my belt and not reborrow money from the payday advances i can do this. i need to write it out let him see it and help out. we can get on the ball and do big things.! im excited. i want so much good.. and we can do this if we just get organized!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


saying mean things. hold your tongue.. even empty cuss words hurt him. stop putting him down.. even though u dont mean it hes heard it enough. just because they dont mean such a big deal to you dont mean they dont hurt him! stop.

Sun Sign: Gemini
May 21Edit your Profile
Today Tomorrow This Week This Month
Rising Sign
Your horoscope for January 7, 2009
You may feel emotionally on fire today, Janice. One spark of conversation with someone will all of a sudden spawn a raging discussion of some sort that will prove to be extremely valuable to you in the long run. Expand your mind. You can learn a great deal by opening yourself up to the truth. Making connections with others will help pave the way towards your success in life.

how the fuck

am i supposed to stay calm when he keeps useing hurtful ass amo?! i have a million mean hurtful shit i can say to hurt him and i dont .. how the fuck do i stay calm?! why the fuck should i allllllways be the one to keep quiet and not hurt back?! not like he does.. not mean spirited! fuck him fuck him fuck him fuck him! fuck him! roommates! first thing he can think of is wanting to bring ppl home! fuck you! fuck you! its a natural reaction to be worried when someone goes missing! even if that fucking bitch of his friend went missing it would be sad.. i know so many ppl would miss the bitch! i know he would be worried.. and i wouldnt hold it against him.. it wouldnt mean that he wanted to be with her .. hes just fucking worried.. and this this is even worse.. if something happend to him bee would be devistated.. i would feel all her pain i would have to see her cry and ache for him. his family would feel like shit for not even careing about him, not trying to help him. i know its out of my hands.. i tried to help him... the drugs had way to much control over him. im so sorry for my part in everyones pain. just like i stress him out and he "HAS" to smoke im sure thats part of what i did to her dad. i could never be with him again.. the damage is something that could never ever be fixed.. he was never someone that made sense to be with. we had no similar goals no nothing. we just messed up and got pregnant. if only he could understnad that if only he can just accept we dont think the same that just because im worried for him dont mean i want to be with him.. if i never seen him or talked to him id be ok with that so long as he was ok and would keep in touch with bee.. why the fuck cant he get that? why is he so threatened by EVERYONE!!!????!!!! and what the fuck did he mean when he said "do u want to know what its like to miss someone"?! he misses her? and the other day he said that he dont lie he just dont tell me things that will hurt my feelings?! bull shit! he always says shit that he knows will hurt my feelings so what is it that hes not telling me?! and how is that any different from what i was doing? god dont let this fill my mind. dont let my hate build. dont let me get paranoid. dont let me be like him. let me believe he wouldnt do that to me. dont let me think of him the way he thinks of me. i know im not all that he thinks of me but i wont know what he is if i start to let this doubt build. my heart hurts so much right now. i dont want to feel bad that im worried for bees dad. i dont love him i know i misspoke when i said that when we first started going out but words have different meanings to ppl and i know that he says thats my way of getting tricky with words but fuk him thats how i feel. more correct i dont love him i stopped loving him years and years ago. and no matter how much harm we did to eachother i wouldnt wish death on him. thats not something i wouldnt wish on anyone. hes NEVER going to understand my feelings. hes always going to be "tormented" with bees dad, it sounds so sad. to have to worry about someone who isnt anykind threat?.. fuk

go some where else..

go far away from his words. dont take the bait. hurting back will solve nothing. stay calm. watch your voice level. try not to get loud. hes doing it to get anger out of you because hes angry.. stay calm.. dont say things you cant take back. be strong. do what ever you have to do to not let it get worse. keep your mouth shut. dont hurt back. be better. dont hurt back. keep your mouth shut. dont make things worse.

Monday, January 5, 2009

checking myself

my attitude, my whole outlook on everything has changed... and not for the better.. I'm very on the defence.. I'm pretty angry and frustrated.. Ive become very insensitive and selfish. i keep loosing my drive. everything just seems like its spinning out of control. i want it to stop and just be good. bad thing is that its going to take both of us to stop it. both suck it up and just stop this childish shit. i feel very judged by him. the way he comments on things that have to do with me or with bee.. (i know he feels the same with the way when i comment on him and i know im in the wrong when i do it to him) so i guess i have to toughen up and not take things so seriously.. and let him know how his comments make me feel. ok and all this not trusting me shit is really pissing me off. he says he has reason to not trust me but he dont. and i shouldn't keep paying for a long ago innocent mistake. i never cheated ive never even thought about it.. even when we broke up it was the furthest thing from my mind. all this me checking out guys and the ridiculous accusations are where most of my anger and frustration come from. at first i was just hurt that he could think that of me. i had a lot more patience when dealing with him on that because i remember how i used to feel the exact same way.. very scared very insecure. then i felt really bad thinking im obviously portraying myself in the wrong way to him.. but it seems to not make a damn difference what i do or say.. hes very set on thinking this. its like its almost easier for him to think im up to something then the unknown of not knowing. if things were done wrong at the begining and even now.. theres always change. i want to change. i want to just be a good person.. i keep in mind that he thinks the whole world sucks... so even if he found himself a saint i would think ... no wait.. thats not true because of the way he would talk about his ex.. said she wasnt the type to do that too him.. cheat.. he has no doubts that his son is his.. so he trusts her.. so then im thinking its just me. because of my past.? but it he keeps holding me to my past.. should i hold him to his? and wtf.. i was single.? i was lost? i was lonely..!! why the fuck cant he get that? whats his excuse? he had the girl that "would never cheat" he had the girl that gave him his way all the time.. he had the girl that would buy him things and let him get away with having very little responsibility.. so why the fuck leave her for someone hes so " scared of"?! ok what ever his reason was.. he did.. and i allowed it to happen. i fell for him i wanted him.. i grew to love the hell out of him.. he woke me up to all these great feelings ... but now hes wakeing up all these feelings and reactions and thoughts that id long time ago put away. i want us back. i want to free my heart and mind of all this stupid stupid shit. i just want to love him like i used to... so freely.. so openly so eager to have more. i dont want to be paranoid i dont want to be angry i dont want to be on the defence on attack mode.. i just want to love him. i want him to love me back. i want him to trust that i would never do something just to hurt him. i want him to know im human and will make mistakes but i will never cheat. i find it so offensive when he accuses me of bringing ppl over.. no of bringing guys over? wtf am i? and when he thinks that IM stupid enough to sit there and "check" guys out infront of him? how stupid would i have to be to do something so stupid in front of him... even when hes not around.. god damnit i wish he would just get that. ok i know maybe ive shared to much information with him.. but he wants honesty? how can he ask for honesty if he cant take it? like the whole superficial thing that i never liked bigger guys.. it was true.. i think mostly because i hate that im big.. i never realized how it dont even matter to me. i thought that beauty made u a better person.. boy was i wrong some of the bigger jerks were the fit guys id run into..they were very ugly ppl. they hated themselves even more then i hated myself. everyone has hang ups no matter what they look like.. i wish he know that im still so VERY attracted to him. i love touching him i love being naked with him. i love just looking at him. why why why the fuck would i want to mess that up? yes i love sex and it is a big deal for me. but love and loyalty to him mean way more. i would NEVER ever use sex as a reason to cheat. my biggest thing is him treating me like im a slut. makes me want to rip my hair out when he says i cant keep it in my pants. WTFFFF ..... im not a fucking whore bag! god damnit... if he only knew what it means for me to love.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

the old janice

yup.. its happened.. got a glimpse of the old janice.. looks like shes looking to stay a while... i dont want her here.. it will most def get very very bad before it ends.. i can either just walk away before it gets to that point...which is whats been floating around in my head.. to preserve my own sanity.. or try for the tiny bit of hope i have?.. i wish someone could just give me an answer. bolt and admit defeat.. SAVE MY SANITY.. but be alone again..? loose the person that means so much to me.. that woke up so much in me? my hopes my dreams? how do i know what out weighs what? how do i know what is the right choice? why cant the unknown just be a little less scary! either way the bad seed has been planted.. wont take much for it to flourish and make hell on earth. i don't want it to. not just for the "relationship" but for myself. get knots in my stomach just thinking it. its like a light switch now.. so easy to hate and want to give up. how do i turn that around? I'm not even asking how do i save us... that would take way more then just an answer. but how do i stop me from become the old Janice. so much bad went through my head. i wasn't able to let go of the bad.. i held on like a mother would its child. i wanted to just stop. just enjoy the rest of the day. but i couldn't shit just kept going thru my head.. so much i wanted to just kick and scream. i feel all achy now trying to keep the rage in. its really bad really really really bad.. funny how life is just this big ol loop... replaying at different ages.. wouldn't u think there'd be something new? so funny it made me chuckle that he now hates Hayward just like i hated mack rd. so stupid the things we put ourselves thru just cuz we cant let go cant move one. just because we are so hurt and insecure. boy are we a masochistic species.
ok so hes going to make it realllllllllllllly hard for me to stay calm! im going to be tested like never before! i have to find a spot. somewhere to go when .. before i blow.. i dont want to use bee.. what can i do...? keeping quiet around him dont help much.. but its better then trying to battle him...when he dont listen.. ok but thats what im going to have to do.. just take it.. just zip up and go within.. if you can hear me.. please talk me thru this when i cant take it no more. please. if you can help him. hes going to be so unhappy thinking so poorly or the world. ... i'll go to church tomorrow alone if i have to. i want out of this cycle. its out of my hands...if it HAS to end with him dont let this one go down in flames.. please. to much hurting and pain for one life time.

funny how one day, one min, one unspoken word can change your whole outlook on a situation....

Better Together :There's no combination of wordsI could put on the back of a postcardNo song I could singBut I can try for your heartOur dreams, and they are made out of real thingsLike a, shoebox of photographsWith sepiatone lovingLove is the answer,At least for most of the questions in my heartLike why are we here? and where do we go?And how come it's so hard?It's not always easy andSometimes life can be deceivingI'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together[Chorus:]MMM its always better when we're togetherLook at the stars when we're togetherIts always better when we're togetherYeah, its always better when we're togetherAnd all of these momentsJust might find there way into my dreams tonightBut I know that theyll be goneWhen the morning light singsAnd brings new thingsBut tomorrow night you seeThat theyll be gone tooToo many things I have to doBut if all of these dreams might find there wayInto my day to day sceneIll be under the impressionI was somewhere in betweenWith only twoJust me and youNot so many things we got to doOr places we got to beWe'll Sit beneath the mango treeIts always better when we're togetherWe're somewhere in between togetherIts always better when we're togetherYeah, its always better when we're togetherMMmmmm MMMmmmm MmmmmmI believe in memoriesThey look so, so pretty when I sleepHey now, and when I wake up,You look so pretty sleeping next to meBut there is not enough time,And there is no song I could singAnd there is no, combination of words I could sayBut I will still tell you one thingWe're Better together