checking myself

my attitude, my whole outlook on everything has changed... and not for the better.. I'm very on the defence.. I'm pretty angry and frustrated.. Ive become very insensitive and selfish. i keep loosing my drive. everything just seems like its spinning out of control. i want it to stop and just be good. bad thing is that its going to take both of us to stop it. both suck it up and just stop this childish shit. i feel very judged by him. the way he comments on things that have to do with me or with bee.. (i know he feels the same with the way when i comment on him and i know im in the wrong when i do it to him) so i guess i have to toughen up and not take things so seriously.. and let him know how his comments make me feel. ok and all this not trusting me shit is really pissing me off. he says he has reason to not trust me but he dont. and i shouldn't keep paying for a long ago innocent mistake. i never cheated ive never even thought about it.. even when we broke up it was the furthest thing from my mind. all this me checking out guys and the ridiculous accusations are where most of my anger and frustration come from. at first i was just hurt that he could think that of me. i had a lot more patience when dealing with him on that because i remember how i used to feel the exact same way.. very scared very insecure. then i felt really bad thinking im obviously portraying myself in the wrong way to him.. but it seems to not make a damn difference what i do or say.. hes very set on thinking this. its like its almost easier for him to think im up to something then the unknown of not knowing. if things were done wrong at the begining and even now.. theres always change. i want to change. i want to just be a good person.. i keep in mind that he thinks the whole world sucks... so even if he found himself a saint i would think ... no wait.. thats not true because of the way he would talk about his ex.. said she wasnt the type to do that too him.. cheat.. he has no doubts that his son is his.. so he trusts her.. so then im thinking its just me. because of my past.? but it he keeps holding me to my past.. should i hold him to his? and wtf.. i was single.? i was lost? i was lonely..!! why the fuck cant he get that? whats his excuse? he had the girl that "would never cheat" he had the girl that gave him his way all the time.. he had the girl that would buy him things and let him get away with having very little responsibility.. so why the fuck leave her for someone hes so " scared of"?! ok what ever his reason was.. he did.. and i allowed it to happen. i fell for him i wanted him.. i grew to love the hell out of him.. he woke me up to all these great feelings ... but now hes wakeing up all these feelings and reactions and thoughts that id long time ago put away. i want us back. i want to free my heart and mind of all this stupid stupid shit. i just want to love him like i used to... so freely.. so openly so eager to have more. i dont want to be paranoid i dont want to be angry i dont want to be on the defence on attack mode.. i just want to love him. i want him to love me back. i want him to trust that i would never do something just to hurt him. i want him to know im human and will make mistakes but i will never cheat. i find it so offensive when he accuses me of bringing ppl over.. no of bringing guys over? wtf am i? and when he thinks that IM stupid enough to sit there and "check" guys out infront of him? how stupid would i have to be to do something so stupid in front of him... even when hes not around.. god damnit i wish he would just get that. ok i know maybe ive shared to much information with him.. but he wants honesty? how can he ask for honesty if he cant take it? like the whole superficial thing that i never liked bigger guys.. it was true.. i think mostly because i hate that im big.. i never realized how it dont even matter to me. i thought that beauty made u a better person.. boy was i wrong some of the bigger jerks were the fit guys id run into..they were very ugly ppl. they hated themselves even more then i hated myself. everyone has hang ups no matter what they look like.. i wish he know that im still so VERY attracted to him. i love touching him i love being naked with him. i love just looking at him. why why why the fuck would i want to mess that up? yes i love sex and it is a big deal for me. but love and loyalty to him mean way more. i would NEVER ever use sex as a reason to cheat. my biggest thing is him treating me like im a slut. makes me want to rip my hair out when he says i cant keep it in my pants. WTFFFF ..... im not a fucking whore bag! god damnit... if he only knew what it means for me to love.