tra la la my day :)

man.. i tra la la my day huh... boy if he only knew the torment my days can be if i let them... fuk sorry i don't cry about EVERY SINGLE thing 90% of the fucking time..... ok i might be exaggerating but it sure fucking feels like it! he wants to be honest and he dont want keep nothing in.. thats his bad to dwell on it... and yeah my fault for not telling him my "fucking feelings " alllllll the fucking time... but not so easy to let someone so destructive, in! laugh all you want... i know you. i was you. manipulative and so full of fear.. you think being cold and rude helps you gaurd your feelings your self.. but u only hate yourself more. ... i know what your questions mean i know what your looks mean i know what your anger means i know why its so easy for you to hate.. i know why its so easy for you to direct your hate towards me... i could so easily match you.. i could so easily truely hurt.. but thats not me any more.. thats not my goal.. all i want to fucking do is freely love. i dont want to hurt or cheat or destruct.. all i want to do is fucking love....

trust. i trust hes not fucking anyone. i trust that if im not giving him a reason to fuck around then he wont fuck around.
trust. with out it... not gonna work
understanding. im trying. god knows im trying.
the home. we both work we both have to eaqually pitch in.! whats in the home while we are together is "ours". both share equal responsibily for the house and everything in it.!
possesions: we both bring things to the table.> anything we individually bring become ours unless there is a break-up. we leave with what we came in with. if anything was bought together with BOTH our monies.. it belongs to both and needs to be settled upon.
monies. we both work we both pitch in with common expenses but also both are allowed to have our OWN money. allowed to buy what ever we need what ever we WANT to so long as the "house needs" are being met. must not dwell on the petty shit!
family. means everything to me. issues and all. i opened my family to him.. but not to be criticized! im learning to not let them get me down. im learning i cant try to make them all happy at my ex pence.
family. something went down in his. something I'm scared to find out. makes me feel hopeless for him.. i wish they were better together
friends. i dont really have true friends anymore except for Alissa. i wish i was a better friend. i wish i wasn't so selfish.
friends. i don't know about him.
social life. im ok not partying all the time. having guy friends mean nothing to me. only one that was worth keeping around ive pretty much said good bye too..but i wish i could hang out with alissa more. i don't so i wont cause drama between him and i(distance keeps me away too though) or even to be able to go out with my sister shopping to the movies what ever with out getting grilled/accused about everything. feel like i have to come home and report to my dad. a girls night would be so great every once inna while. i wish we could have ppl over more often. his friends n family, my friends family, what ever just be more social. i wish we could of joined the bowling team like we had talked about. or just go out and do more together. i wish we could of gone to school together.
social life. seems like theres to much risk for him. ? i dont know.
respect. there is VERY little left. we crossed the line long time ago. we cuss.. we are very disrespectful to each other.
definitions. words have very different meanings to us. actions have very different meanings to us. especially since we are both up in arms.
my daughter. ive done so much wrong with her and im truly trying to change it. consistency is hard. but im trying. bee is all mine and will always be my first priority. pushing the issues with me is being counter active. i would never expect him to "support" her in any kind of way. but if roles were turned around i would do for his kid as if he were my own.
his son. makes me so sad and scared. its sooo beyond anything i can ever do. i feel VERY powerless. i wish she could just grow up. theres things i dont understand things i dont even dare to ask. this is his and only his decision. all i can do is try to be more supportive.
communication. used to be much better. we wanted to make things work and we cooperated..