how the fuck

am i supposed to stay calm when he keeps useing hurtful ass amo?! i have a million mean hurtful shit i can say to hurt him and i dont .. how the fuck do i stay calm?! why the fuck should i allllllways be the one to keep quiet and not hurt back?! not like he does.. not mean spirited! fuck him fuck him fuck him fuck him! fuck him! roommates! first thing he can think of is wanting to bring ppl home! fuck you! fuck you! its a natural reaction to be worried when someone goes missing! even if that fucking bitch of his friend went missing it would be sad.. i know so many ppl would miss the bitch! i know he would be worried.. and i wouldnt hold it against him.. it wouldnt mean that he wanted to be with her .. hes just fucking worried.. and this this is even worse.. if something happend to him bee would be devistated.. i would feel all her pain i would have to see her cry and ache for him. his family would feel like shit for not even careing about him, not trying to help him. i know its out of my hands.. i tried to help him... the drugs had way to much control over him. im so sorry for my part in everyones pain. just like i stress him out and he "HAS" to smoke im sure thats part of what i did to her dad. i could never be with him again.. the damage is something that could never ever be fixed.. he was never someone that made sense to be with. we had no similar goals no nothing. we just messed up and got pregnant. if only he could understnad that if only he can just accept we dont think the same that just because im worried for him dont mean i want to be with him.. if i never seen him or talked to him id be ok with that so long as he was ok and would keep in touch with bee.. why the fuck cant he get that? why is he so threatened by EVERYONE!!!????!!!! and what the fuck did he mean when he said "do u want to know what its like to miss someone"?! he misses her? and the other day he said that he dont lie he just dont tell me things that will hurt my feelings?! bull shit! he always says shit that he knows will hurt my feelings so what is it that hes not telling me?! and how is that any different from what i was doing? god dont let this fill my mind. dont let my hate build. dont let me get paranoid. dont let me be like him. let me believe he wouldnt do that to me. dont let me think of him the way he thinks of me. i know im not all that he thinks of me but i wont know what he is if i start to let this doubt build. my heart hurts so much right now. i dont want to feel bad that im worried for bees dad. i dont love him i know i misspoke when i said that when we first started going out but words have different meanings to ppl and i know that he says thats my way of getting tricky with words but fuk him thats how i feel. more correct i dont love him i stopped loving him years and years ago. and no matter how much harm we did to eachother i wouldnt wish death on him. thats not something i wouldnt wish on anyone. hes NEVER going to understand my feelings. hes always going to be "tormented" with bees dad, it sounds so sad. to have to worry about someone who isnt anykind threat?.. fuk