the old janice

yup.. its happened.. got a glimpse of the old janice.. looks like shes looking to stay a while... i dont want her here.. it will most def get very very bad before it ends.. i can either just walk away before it gets to that point...which is whats been floating around in my head.. to preserve my own sanity.. or try for the tiny bit of hope i have?.. i wish someone could just give me an answer. bolt and admit defeat.. SAVE MY SANITY.. but be alone again..? loose the person that means so much to me.. that woke up so much in me? my hopes my dreams? how do i know what out weighs what? how do i know what is the right choice? why cant the unknown just be a little less scary! either way the bad seed has been planted.. wont take much for it to flourish and make hell on earth. i don't want it to. not just for the "relationship" but for myself. get knots in my stomach just thinking it. its like a light switch now.. so easy to hate and want to give up. how do i turn that around? I'm not even asking how do i save us... that would take way more then just an answer. but how do i stop me from become the old Janice. so much bad went through my head. i wasn't able to let go of the bad.. i held on like a mother would its child. i wanted to just stop. just enjoy the rest of the day. but i couldn't shit just kept going thru my head.. so much i wanted to just kick and scream. i feel all achy now trying to keep the rage in. its really bad really really really bad.. funny how life is just this big ol loop... replaying at different ages.. wouldn't u think there'd be something new? so funny it made me chuckle that he now hates Hayward just like i hated mack rd. so stupid the things we put ourselves thru just cuz we cant let go cant move one. just because we are so hurt and insecure. boy are we a masochistic species.
ok so hes going to make it realllllllllllllly hard for me to stay calm! im going to be tested like never before! i have to find a spot. somewhere to go when .. before i blow.. i dont want to use bee.. what can i do...? keeping quiet around him dont help much.. but its better then trying to battle him...when he dont listen.. ok but thats what im going to have to do.. just take it.. just zip up and go within.. if you can hear me.. please talk me thru this when i cant take it no more. please. if you can help him. hes going to be so unhappy thinking so poorly or the world. ... i'll go to church tomorrow alone if i have to. i want out of this cycle. its out of my hands...if it HAS to end with him dont let this one go down in flames.. please. to much hurting and pain for one life time.






funny how one day, one min, one unspoken word can change your whole outlook on a situation....

Better Together :There's no combination of wordsI could put on the back of a postcardNo song I could singBut I can try for your heartOur dreams, and they are made out of real thingsLike a, shoebox of photographsWith sepiatone lovingLove is the answer,At least for most of the questions in my heartLike why are we here? and where do we go?And how come it's so hard?It's not always easy andSometimes life can be deceivingI'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together[Chorus:]MMM its always better when we're togetherLook at the stars when we're togetherIts always better when we're togetherYeah, its always better when we're togetherAnd all of these momentsJust might find there way into my dreams tonightBut I know that theyll be goneWhen the morning light singsAnd brings new thingsBut tomorrow night you seeThat theyll be gone tooToo many things I have to doBut if all of these dreams might find there wayInto my day to day sceneIll be under the impressionI was somewhere in betweenWith only twoJust me and youNot so many things we got to doOr places we got to beWe'll Sit beneath the mango treeIts always better when we're togetherWe're somewhere in between togetherIts always better when we're togetherYeah, its always better when we're togetherMMmmmm MMMmmmm MmmmmmI believe in memoriesThey look so, so pretty when I sleepHey now, and when I wake up,You look so pretty sleeping next to meBut there is not enough time,And there is no song I could singAnd there is no, combination of words I could sayBut I will still tell you one thingWe're Better together