yesterday

did laundry.. felt good outside. cookie laid around around outside in the sun. had tacos from the taco truck at lunch and seen they keep the bottle caps.! so i asked what they did with them and they said they just throw them away so i asked if i could have them. and he said yes! so i got a crafty itch! been digging in my pics to see what i can cut up and put in the caps. got a few started. after work i touched up my hair bleached the roots of my streak. went to walmart with Anthony to go get his niece a bday present. got her this cute little cheerleader doll that sings in English and Spanish! to cute. i like his cousins.. Richard and Dora Marie. especially Richard.. hes very talkative and made me feel welcome and part of the fam. we left cuz i had church. on the way home we were talking about his brothers kids and his cousin Joe how they always used to be over his (and her) apt. i think he really misses that. i don't know why he stopped but can help but feel its my fault.. i know better of course but still. then he started to cry and said he wanted to hang out with her kid for his bday. i know he didn't mean to hurt me but the way ive been feeling lately i just wanted to disappear. ive been asking him what he wants to do and he cant think of anything. i know im wrong but i keep thinking he cant think of anything to do with me. then im so fucking jealous of all the stupid bitches(i dont mean bitches really im sure they are nice chicks)at his work cuz they get to have the happy Anthony all fucking day. seems like any time hes happy is when hes there or talking about them. i know im prob just more focused on it cuz im feeling very neglected but common. so they are making a big deal for his bday today. and thats fine im glad for him.. i know how great that feels but only makes me more jealous. like i cant even compete with them agh or her kid. well i guess thats how i make him feel sometimes too. so what is it? why are we so disconnected? why do i feel so far away from him? i guess i dont make him feel very wanted sometimes too. omg i just dont want to get hurt. hes very hurtful. says very mean things. or says things that just come out sounding very mean. hes very sensitive to his feelings.. VERY sensitive.. but when it comes to the feelings of others hes not so sensitive. thinks that just because hes being "honest" and up front he can bulldozer around leveling ppl. because he so smart. he knows how everything should "be". what ppl are feeling and how they need to act. he does have alot of things to say but his delivery is where i just stop listening. hes very overwhelming almost controling. to much to take in large EVERYDAY doses. fuck especially first thing in the morning. god nothing worse then being scolded even before u get to step out of bed. i love him very much but all the songs fucking lie.. love is not all u need.


i was weary about going to church last night. because of how down ive been feeling. but im glad i did. i didnt get to share but thats ok i just listened and thats something im really trying hard to do. listen and learn. i realllly really love the music! that road to recovery song is just awesome! think it also has to do with how riled up everyone gets! so great. anyways im glad i went.